Are you as excited as I am? That's right it's finally here--. If you've been a good patriot this year, paid your taxes on time and belong to a cult that does smart things like make you pretend you're eating your savior's body and drinking his blood instead of stupid cult stuff like praying in a certain direction 5 times a day; then maybe, just maybe, this year Uncle Sam will slip down your chimney and leave presents under your flagpole. Be sure to set out a plate of apple pie for him and throw down some birdseed for the eight bald eagles pulling his Humvee. Thomas Jefferson bless us everyone!
As always, porkjerky.com goes dark for 9/11 so get your fill now.

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R.I.P.->Immortalizing Peter Johnson With Garbage

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This is funny on so many levels--the 3rd and the 8th grade to be exact. After finding this cross, who its for and where it is located some people might say 'I wish I could make this stuff up', and they would be dumbfucks on so many more levels. I on the other hand would be embarrassed to claim this actual story as my own creative work. But since its true and so hackneyed, it's beyond funny.

A man named Peter Johnson to begin with is enough to make me squirt a little pee. For the first 13 years of his life you can blame his parents for it. Then after that, for not changing his name himself to either Pete Johnson, or P.J. or even Tiffany Johnson, you have to place the blame on him. The best though, is that it was like destiny caught ahold of his joke of a name and decided to keep it up by making him die on Highway 69. True fucking story--all the way around.

God I love Irony. And Destiny. And Serenity, Charity, Jasmine, even that fat black stripper with stretch marks. Not that cunt Heather though. But most of all, I love hackneyed stories that are true.

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I'm not above apologizing for any errors I have made. However, I'm also not above wishing AIDS and gang rape on you and your family if you incorrectly assert I've made errors. Email me at jason@porkjerky.com to point out any errors I have made. Just be certain I've made errors.