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If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em
Then Drown The Motherfuckers In Their Own Piss
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For every email I get wishing harm upon me and my loved ones unless I become more compassionate, I get one pleading with me to come to some shit town and photograph a memorial defiling a precious community. Because I am a noble man of half the people, I decided to make it easier for all you helpful idiots to submit memorials for me to add to my roadside memorial collection, and consequently easier for me to disregard them.
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Submit A Roadside Memorial
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Use the above form to submit a memorial you think is worthy of my collection. Every field is required and there are 4 criteria you should use when submitting crosses:
1. I need a good, documented story. Some lady just crashing into a pillar will not make the cut. Unless of course she was the president of MADD. Or riding an emu. Or on her way from the hospice to the convent. Or something else that marries horrible with hilarious. Also, I don't trust you. Provide a source for your story--a specific url or the name, date, section and page of a newspaper.
2. It must provide a good picture opportunity. If your cross is in the median of an interstate, I'm not risking my life trying to cross traffic to get to it. Nor can it just be a shitty 2-foot cross with nothing on it. I need a good picture, preferably with a good backdrop--a seatbelt factory, an abortion clinic, the White House, etc.
3. Provide a valid location. Don't type in 'highway in Cali'. The exact location you provide must be googlable. Run it by them then submit it to me.
4. Give a valid email address. If your memorial meets the 3 prior criteria I will contact you to verify some things. If you put in the best cross ever and use fake@fake.com as your email then your just jerking off because, no matter how many orphans the popemobile took with it when it rolled over, I am not going to do jack fuck with your memorial.
Now, before any of you egomaniacs get all Zimaed up and go out joyriding hoping to get your own roadside cross and the infamy that goes with it being included in my site, make a rough draft of your memorial.
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