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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Shitty Shill Blog

Beat The Slots Blog, is one turd of a website. So craptastic its today’s Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award winning blog.

First and leastmost, as is customary with most winners, it has Google ads on it. Of course they may be hard to find, you know, hidden in all the other fucking ads on the god damn page. If this blog averages even a hundredth of a cent for every ad displayed on it, then the owner, well, he’s still a piece of shit.

Below the header I see 3 ads all in a row. In the left column I’m counting 6 ads. Above the footer there’s 3 ads. Ads in and among certain posts. Oh, and the posts themselves are fucking ads for various online casinos. Seriously, people who incinerate baby feti at abortion clinics have a more morally defensible job than people who create blogs to drown them in ads.

I’ve come to accept the fact that there will exist shitty spam sites on the net. Sites that exist for only the purpose of displaying ads. It sucks, but that’s the way the world works.

However, Beat The Slots Blog is a god damn Blogspot blog. Follow me for a minute: The fucks who make spamvertisement sites hire people to design them, pay for web hosting, pay for people to maintain them. So, while they themselves are worthless piece of shits who own worthless piece of shit sites they are at least standalone worthless piece of shit sites that they have put some investment into.

The turd that is the Beat The Slots Blog had no such investment. Blogspot allows people to set up blogs for free. This means the worthless puke who started the fucking thing is literally and figuratively trying to make money out of nothing. He doesn’t own the url, he’s not paying for hosting, there’s sure as fuck no professionals being paid to design the thing. There’s no investment on his part, yet somehow he’s entitled to drown his website in ads in the pursuit of making money of his leeching. That’s like going to a homeless shelter, getting as much food as you can from them and selling it out of the back of your car.

Best of all is the disclaimer link at the top. Despite the name of the blog, despite the title which includes this sentence : ‘Win at slots.’, despite many posts which tell you how to beat the slots, on every page the title links to a disclaimer at the bottom which magically absolves them from any liability for their lies. To wit:

Its like they consulted a horoscope disclaimer for legal advice.

No Harm In Asking

Whenever I hear someone say ‘Well, there was no harm in asking.’, I immediately kick them in the balls, poke them in the eyes, steal their wallet, shit on them, decapitate their pets and sodomize to death everyone who claims to be their friend or family.

Usually, as they are writhing in pain, begging me and god for mercy; they just think that I am an asshole. Never do they correlate the fact that they asked some stupid question with the harm they just experienced.

Some day my wit and genius will be understood, appreciated and celebrated. Until then, I will just placate myself with the misery of others.

Tis The Season

Guess who made it that much easier for you to kill yourself? That’s right, I did.

Forever you’ve been tying and retying the same piece of rope into a noose so it looks just perfect, scouting out the sturdiest place in your house to use it, going through all your chairs to find the one that will get you the perfect height off the floor, probably even went to Wal-Mart and picked out the perfect stationary to hold your final thoughts to this world, but up until now you couldn’t find the perfect way to tell everyone when you decided to finally do it so you just kept putting it off and putting it off.

Well wait no more. I added 2 new reasons in my suicide note generator. Surely, by now the thing must be all encompassing of every reason anyone would want to kill themselves. That means your’s is in there, just dig around and find the one that’s right for you.

The additions include a broken heart and maintaining your honor. Honestly, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. The letters are just a couple clicks away and you’re reading this site which means you obviously have nothing of value in your life nor is your life of value to the world. Go ahead save everyone the space and off yourself.

Really, what more do you want from me?

Cat’s In The Cradle

Frank Caliendo is to Rich Little what the Second Gulf War is to Vietnam. And on behalf of my generation, I would like to apologize for that.

In the mid 90’s I had a class where the teacher was talking about the Vietnam War and how he knew a bunch, a bunch of people who didn’t come back from it. He even cried right there in class. That really struck me. For one, he was that moved and another, it was over 20 years since that war ended. I really felt sorry for my father’s generation for what their fathers’ generation made them go through with that war. They did a lot of horrible shit over there, but the fact of the matter is; it wasn’t the baby boomers who choose to go to Vietnam. They weren’t in power then, it was the generation prior to them that made them do it.

However, when Gulf War 2 started and we invaded Iraq for god knows what reason, my father’s generation retroactively deserved Vietnam. They preemptively got what they deserved. The same fuckers who were sent to some shitty, unnecessary war halfway around the globe by their fathers, did the same thing to their children. Fuck you. With the Second Gulf War, all Vietnam veterans lost any pity they deserved.

Piss on your wall, save the agent orange horror stories and don’t waste your breath on me thinking I will feel sorry for whatever you’re suffering from now because of your service then. Hop along gimpy, I don’t want to hear it.

Vietnam veterans retroactively deserve it.

And so does my generation. Our parents made us spend an insufferable amount of hours watching Rich Little. Oh jesus Christ. I still wake up bored from the nightmares I have about him. The man did impressions of comedians for fucks sake. Screw puns, Rich Little is the lowest form of humor.

Did we learn from history? Was my generation determined to not make the same mistakes our parents did? Did we try our best not to repeat it? No, here we are sitting on our asses, reading and writing blogs about my shit and doing the same thing to the next generation by giving Frank Caliendo an audience.

The man’s ripping off a rip off artist. And we are still allowing him to take the stage. Frank Caliendo’s career will not die. You think your safe when he leaves MadTv. But then he pops up with his own shitty show on TBS. Luckily that gets cancelled and you think that’s the end of him. Then one day you’re nonchalantly walking down the Las Vegas Strip and see he’s working the Monte Carlo Casino.

Why will his career not die? Why do people still encourage him by going to his show? We truly have failed the children. In turn, like our parents’ generation with Vietnam, we retroactively deserve what we got with Rich Little.

Mirror, Mirror, Who’s The Shittiest Of Them All?

While releasing my poopbucks into the wild of Las Vegas, I took some time to smell its roses and unfortunately, saw all the turds they grew in. Vegas is and brings out the worst in people, all without them recognizing it.

That’s a compliment by the way.

I was watching the fountains at the Bellagio for the millionth time and like clockwork as soon as it started up, everyone grabbed their video cameras. How fucking pompous and self-righteous. I looked around and wondered what innate characteristic is it with people that make them think their capturing of something beautiful that someone else created somehow makes their lives meaningful? Are people that soulless and empty that somehow filming something beautiful justifies their existence and gives their lives purpose? Their mere presence and photographic evidence attesting to that presence makes them feel like they did something important in their lives?

It was a truly sad moment that brought a huge smile to my face.

I guess it’s a lot like blogs and children. Despite the fact that people’s online diaries and retarded offspring are obviously stupid to the outside world, somehow because its theirs that automatically makes them naïve to how horrible they really are.

While I was on youtube looking for shitty blogs, I wondered how many videos I would find when I searched for ‘fountains at bellagio’. I got almost 10,000. Does the world really need your shitty video of the fountains? Or do you need the world to have your shitty video of the fountains? You’re sad and pathetic. Just enjoy the show, marvel at it and don’t try to leech purpose into your life from it.

It was such a horrible realization, it made me smile. In and of itself, when you think about it, the whole idea of Vegas is awesomely shitty. If it was legal there and my home state would recognize it, I would marry Las Vegas. It’s everything I aspire to be—a reflection of how shitty humanity is. That truly is a compliment by the way.

Vegas looked at every great city in the world, every landmark that made somewhere else unique, every opulent, decadent thing ever built in the world and said, ‘Yeah that’s pretty cool–lets steal that, put a buffet, some craps tables and a shitload of alcohol inside it and see if tourists from around the world will flock here and give us an ass-ton of money. Oh and for an extra challenge lets build all that shit in the fucking desert. Sure, people are starving around the world, millions don’t have potable water, curable diseases are still running rampant in the world, but fuck all that, let’s create Awesomeville‘.

And they did.

And still are.

God love them. If somehow Vegas was destroyed and I was given enough money to rebuild it exactly as it is or use that money to cure all the world’s ills, the only thing I would think twice about was naming it Jasontown or New Las Vegas.

It’s a town that really offers nothing to the world. Again that’s a compliment and I am jealous.

Like Nails Scratching On My Cornea

Ok, I dug deeper. You’re welcome.

After my initial dismay at finding so many results for my youtube search of the word ‘blog’, I started on my prolonged dismay of searching through a ton of those videos to find a shitty blog on there to give an Intermittently Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award to.

Oh fuck it was painful. Its like someone realized that written blogs have an upper bound on how irritatingly annoying they can be and decided that they could do better. They wanted to grate in a way that could only be done through multimedia blogging.

And god damn if they and a ton of other people didn’t succeed.

When an annoying fat fuck simply sits down and writes a blog post about how shitty their shitty life is that’s one thing. Having to watch and listen to them ramble on is another. In writing there’s no annoying nasal pitched voice that makes you want to puncture your own eardrums. Nor does the annoying fuck end every fucking sentence with “you know”. Neither do you have to put up with them laughing, or more accurately cackling, at their own shitty jokes and puns every 2 seconds.

So, after much painful viewing, the winner of this Porkjerky.com Randomly Award Shitty Blog Award is the moeizsexy25 video blog. Don’t let the 14 views of that video fool you, it truly sucks. I watched a few others and what really set hers apart is that I was only able to take it for 1 minute 28 seconds. That’s as far as I could watch it before shutting down my browser, disconnecting my internet, yanking the power cord to my computer out of the wall, reformatting my hard drive, giving my computer to the retarded kid up the street, throwing the desk the computer was on into the fireplace and calling a priest to see about exorcising my office.

88 seconds, that’s it. Try and beat it I dare you. May god have mercy on your soul should you succeed.

I don’t think you can. She rambles on about how shitty her life is, how her video blog will help her turn things around, alludes to horrible things in her life and that’s when the bile in my throat caused my eyes to water and I had to tap out. I just couldn’t take it any more.

So please everyone take a cue from moeizsexy25 and her video blog: don’t let lack of wit, talent or any semblance of being entertaining stop you from having a blog. In fact, thanks to video, literacy is no longer a criterion either.

Video Blogs: The Future Of Boring

Lord, o’fuck, cunt almighty. Me and my great ideas.

There I was, laughing my head off, enjoying my favorite pastime of watching serious injuries videos on youtube, when genius hit. Or more accurately–now that I know the results–when ungenius hit.

I interrupted my motorcycle tricks gone bad video and immediately decided to type those 4 magical letters into the search box, B-L-O-G and hit submit.

What did you expect idiot? I continue to surprise myself by surprising myself. What was I thinking? Did I honestly expect 45 results? Like somehow, in my mind, the millions of retards who make music videos featuring their cats or the dumbfucks who upload footage of their babies farting or the dickshafts who make videos of them watching videos, wouldn’t think to drown youtube with videos they titled with the word ‘blog’?

I’m a fucking idiot for thinking any different.

Jesus Christ I’m dumb.

Searching For ‘blogs’ on youtube yields an unmeasurable amount of videos. In fact, the top of the page says it is listing 1-20 of millions. There’s so fucking many and/or they are being added at such an alarming rate, there’s no way to provide an accurate number of how many of the fucking things there are on youtube. I don’t know where to start. I am truly in awe.

Congratulations world, yet another thing drowned and ruined by blogs.

I Don’t Need No Fancy Book Science

How many autistic people do you personally know? Excluding Jenny McCarthy’s son (which I am excluding not because I don’t personally know him, but because he’s cured – take that gluten), mine is 0. I’m guessing yours is within 1 of that.

I’m not entirely convinced any exist. I think its just a euphemism doctors use to soften the blow to parents when they tell them their kids are retarded. Kind of like dyslexia.

Yesterday, I tried to find the perfect blog about autism, how vaccines caused it and how and the misguided/over-optimistic/ignorant parents who write them. That topic was not nearly narrow enough-there’s a ton. Each uniquely shitty, yet basically the same.

I couldn’t pick just one. I got sick and tired of hearing parents rave bout how their retarded kid is so awesome, a bundle of joy, irreplaceable, eternally special and a gift from god. Then the fuckers go on to demonize vaccines because they made their kid to be that way.

You’re not fooling anyone, not even your little placeholder of a child. You need to admit your kids an idiot, the little shit’s a disappointment, they are worse than a waste. Just cop to the fact that it’s an anchor, a pile of worthlessness, something you would have aborted if you knew how it would turn out. Admit all that, or drop all your vaccine conspiracy theories.

Call me autistic, but if vaccines truly did make your kid that way, then by the transitive power of retardation shouldn’t you love vaccines? I mean, just a minute ago you were slobbering about how awesome autistic kids are and how you wouldn’t trade them for anything. Then you’re all mad at the thing you think caused them to be that way?

Hypocrite.

If you were truly glad your kid is the way he is, and not just trying to convince yourself that you shouldn’t smother it with a pillow, then you would love anything that made him that way. Hell, you would be mandating all kids get quintuple doses of their vaccines to make sure more of them morph into retards so every parent can know your joy of raising an autistic kid.

Which is it? Awesome to be a parent of a retard or big pharma is conspiring to make millions by selling vaccines that make retards and should be stopped?

The Not So Simple Truth

The Cult Of Recovery

RecoveringNicholas.com

Living, Learning, Laughing & Loving with Autism

Honestly, one or the other. I don’t care which. You can’t be glad and pissed about the same thing at the same time. Choose one and shut the fuck up about the other. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent just because you want to lock your retards in the car, put it in neutral, let it crash into a lake and blame it on some black guys.

All the scientific evidence is there. Those kids aren’t autistic because of a vaccine. When you believe that, that just supports my argument for why your kids are retarded: They got it from you.

Pompously Misinformed

As with wine, my pallet is not refined enough to distinguish among the many flavors of retard: Aspberger ‘s, mental retardation, PDD_NOS, autism, fucking retarded, down syndrome, Fragile X syndrome and just plain stupid. All of those, my pedestrian, uncouth brain processes as ‘retarded’.

I blame the public school system and my parents for my ignorance. Maybe video games. Definitely T.V. Rock and roll music didn’t help. Oh, and above all I was vaccinated against my will when I was less than 2 years old for a bunch of diseases I didn’t have nor probably would ever get. So I got that working against me too.

Yeah, my inability to identify or care about all those types of retards is definitely a side effect of all those vaccines. Stupid big pharma.

Missy agrees with me. She runs the Anti-Vaccinations blog, today’s winner of the Whenever Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. Oh, it’s a delightful blog.

I was looking for a blog about how vaccines caused retardation. I was very successful in that search, but this blog while tangentially related, stood out above the crowd. Missy (a.k.a. sexiisassyvirgo69 on myspace — nice) is more concerned about all vaccinations and the U.N. forcing us to get them than just autism being caused by whatever the Jenny McCarthy-lead nutjobs are blaming it on these days.

Here’s just the titles of some of her posts:

God love her. If you’re going to be so willfully misinformed, do it with style I say. Don’t just sit at home with tinfoil on your head eating a gluten free diet, worrying about dihydrogen monoxide. Get out there and post your ramblings to the web.

Oh, and try to make a buck off of it. I don’t know why, but blogs with Google ads on them are 962% more awesome than blogs without. Just something so great about these people with causes and altruistic intentions trying to make a buck off their ramblings.

Even better is when those ads are for things you are against. She’s got ads in a couple of spaces, both of which show ads for vaccines or vaccine related items. Specifically, one’s for ABO Pharmaceuticals which is a vaccine supply company; A Sanyo Vaccine Cooler and a bunch of online and real-world clinics where you can get vaccines.

It wasn’t what I had set out to find, but it all really came together on this one blog. I am proud to present sexiisassyvirgo69 and her Anti-Vaccinations blog with this Random Timeframe Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. May they someday find a cure for you or at least develop a shot they can give others so you don’t infect them with your idiocy.

The 500 Mile Per Hour Crap

I hate planes, but don’t have a fear to fly

It’s the constant stream of fucks who pass by

    Couldn’t crap at the hub

    Now They’re joining the club

Everyone wants to shit a mile high.