porkjerky plog
Laziness Rewarded
Its finally here. Todays the day.
Its that special time of year again. The time when lazy fucks all around the country stay in their recliners and give thanks for the holiday season that is upon us. Today is their favorite holiday.
That’s right, Thanksgiving marks the day when their sloth and apathy finally get swept under the carpet. The 4th Thursday in November is the day they and their neighbors have been waiting for.
Today is the day their white trash house decorations get lapped by the calendar. They persevered through spring. They were able to ignore them through the summer. Fall came and they headed down the home stretch. They knew it wouldn’t be too much longer. The end was in sight, they could make it.
Now finally, just as they had planned, Thanksgiving is upon us and the made it. Pretending all year they weren’t there and not taking down last year’s Christmas decorations has finally paid off.
Do It Yourself Fuck Video Tips
Homemade pornography videos are like car wrecks to me. I can’t turn away. Never, absolutely never are the people engaged in it attractive. The camera work sucks. Quality and lighting is abysmal. Often action occurs out of frame. It never gives me a boner, but for the life of me I am addicted to homemade pornography.
The key to watching it, to get the full entertainment value it holds is to never focus on the foreground or main action. Always look at the small things and the background—that’s were the good stuff is.
Now, if you’re a pompous fuck who thinks the world wants to see you get laid, here are a few tips on how you can add a touch of professionalism to your homemade porn videos. Paying attention to these few simple details will ensure people focus on you slurping semen and not get distracted by what’s going on in the background.
- You don’t have to clean the entire house, or an entire room, just clean or move to the side all the junk that’s going to be in the frame that you will be fucking in.
- I’m not one of these save the world, recycle everything hippies, but could you clear the sofa of all the beer cans, soda bottles, Hot Pocket sleeves and empty cigarette packets?. Ok, how about just move the clear Quiktrip cup that one or both of you are using to spit tobacco into? Please?
- Personally, I love, absolutely love the idea that you are watching Andy Griffith as you suck off your boyfriend/husband/child protection officer while making this video. It always is a pleasure to see someone get balled in front of a T.V. with Aunt Bea baking a pie for Opie. However, from a practical standpoint its giving me a headache because the frame rates on your T.V. and video recorder aren’t matching up. Maybe you can green screen it in during post production. Just an idea.
- Now, I don’t want to seem like a pedophileophobe, but all those baby toys laying around as you get your hastily shaven pussy eaten is kinda creeping me out. The picture of you, your 4 kids, Minnie Mouse and Pluto on the coffee table isn’t helping things either.
- I hate immediately cleaning up spills on my carpet just as much as the next guy, so I’m not judging you. But here’s a tip I saw on Martha Stewart: either move the fuck stage to another part of the house with better flooring, or if that’s not possible, situate yourself so that as you get assfucked its hidden underneath you.
- The audio usually isn’t good on homemade porn—remember this and use it to your advantage. For example, when the phone rings, simply ignore it because the viewer might not pick up on it and will never know that it rang while you were getting tittyfucked. That is unless of course you two discuss at great lengths for 5 minutes as you continue to fuck. Either answer the phone and pause the lovemaking video, or fuck through it and completely ignore it. Nobody who’s watching is interested in if you should pick up the phone and talk to your sister Linda about whether you guys should go to Sizzler or Ponderosa for your step-mother’s birthday.
- This is probably nitpicky, but it’s a small thing you can do to add to the romanticism viewers will feel when enjoying your fuck video for years to come. While one man’s cock is in your twat, another guy’s is in your mouth and you are fingering a third prick: either jerk that last dick off with your right hand or remove your wedding band from your left when you do it.
Remember though, these are just suggestions. That fuck video is your fuck video–there are no rules you have to follow. Above all, just have fun.
Internet Shit: How Much And What Type
I don’t think there’s any way to tell who crapped the first turd picture onto the internet. The Neil Armstrong of internet shit pics if you will. The guy brave enough to go, ‘Hey, I should share with the world an image of one of my bowel movements‘. That guy was a genius. Right up there with the guy who invented rape.
Listed below, in no particular order and for no particular reason is a shit pic table. It compares all the shit named pictures currently on the internet and their file types. This is in no way scientific. I didn’t look through the millions of images to verify that all the images named ‘feces.png’ were in fact of poop and not someone’s sister or boss. Further, there are probably tons of people out there like me who name each and every turd they pass. That means some images out there that are named ‘heather.jpg’ are actually turds.
| .jpg | .gif | .png | .bmp | |
| feces | 651,000 | 138,000 | 81,800 | 33,400 |
| shit | 35,900,000 | 15,700,000 | 8,640,000 | 294,000 |
| crap | 20,400,000 | 5,900,000 | 3,190,000 | 500,000 |
| excrement | 196,000 | 97,000 | 55,300 | 24,400 |
| poop | 4,320,000 | 896,000 | 478,000 | 130,000 |
As usual, with everything on my site, this information is for entertainment purposes only. Absolutely no wagering.
The Porn Paradox
After writing yesterday’s post and rewarding myself by whacking off to girls cleaning toilet seats with their tongues, I realized The Stay Puff Marshmallow Theory of Shitty Blogs applies to pornography. Any type of pornography you can imagine, no matter how nonsensical, counter-intuitive, oxymoronic or just plain retarded, is a valid type of pornography.
I call it the Porn Paradox:
There is no ludicrous type of porn.
‘Cow Raping Porn’, ‘Dead Haitian Porn’, ‘Trombone Player Porn’, ‘Oatmeal Porn’. Guys/gals exist who get boners for one or more of those.
There is no ipso facto ludicrous porn. Any type of pornography you can articulate is in fact an actual valid type of pornography someone uses to sexually gratify themselves. No matter how creatively outlandish nor unbelievably imaginative you are, you can not describe any type of pornography that will immediately be recognized as farcical nor satirical.
The internet has conditioned us, and rightfully so, to believe that it is possible that images of what you just described exists and people get aroused by said images. Try it for yourself. Think of some obviously outlandish pornography and google it. You should and should not be surprised by the results. The type of pornography you seemingly just invented in your head, already exists in the internet ether. And worse.
Let me explain. You shouldn’t be surprised that what you googled does in fact exists, but if you dig further and actually look at the images you will be surprised at how far down the rabbit hole you fell.
Yesterday, to find a shitty blog, I googled ‘toilet porn’. Like you, what immediately came to my mind is chicks getting pissed on, doing some peeing themselves, 2 girls one cup, maybe some buttsex or girls getting nailed while on the shitter. And I wasn’t surprised when I found a ton of what I expected to find.
However, I was surprised at what else I found—chicks licking toilets. And it wasn’t an isolated picture, it’s an entire genre of pornography. That never crossed my mind. Sure as shit though its crossed other peoples minds because its out there. Toilet licking porn can not be used as a hyperbole for pornography, because it in fact exists. Pornography is beyond satire. You just can’t do it.
It even works a level up. I call it The Self-Fulfilling Porn Paradox Corollary:
By proxy, any porn that arouses no one; arouses someone by the mere idea that no one is aroused by it.
Suppose for arguments sake there is a type of pornography absolutely no one is aroused by. I bet you, there’s some sick fuck out there that gets off on pornography that no one else likes. Maybe not on the pornography itself, but he’s turned on by the fact that in the whole world only he is turned on by it.
Pornography is beyond hyperbole, its unsatireable.
The Disgusting Truth About Disgusting Porn Blogs
One of the most common blogs I am finding is the porn site marketing blog. Back in the olden days of 1997, all you needed was a url and some sluts to start a porn site that made money. Pimping was easy.
Then it went all 9/11 (that’s a new idiom I am trying out, it means ‘everything changed’. Like Iraq, it has nothing to do with the actual 11th of September attacks on the United States. For example, ‘Some girls will go all 9/11 on you when you get married: they stop sucking your dick, they get fat and even turn into raging bitches. Everything just changes.’).
Back to porn.
After awhile, like everything else, it became a commodity and a numbers game. Everyone and their drunken sister started cranking out porn sites trying to make a buck.
Then it fractured into niches. It wasn’t good enough just to have girls 18 years and 1 day old. Big busted lesbians alone wouldn’t cut it. You needed to make your own segment. The porn world was beginning to get carved up, competition was moving in and simply supplying generic porn would no longer cut it. To stay competitive you needed to corner the market on fat chicks with crew cuts. Or black chicks on their periods with buckteeth. Or transsexual midgets getting hot carls.
Vanilla still sold, but not if you were just getting into the game. Today, if you want to get into the porn racket its actual work. You can’t just make piss drinking porn, post some pictures on the net and expect to rake in the cash. You have to funnel traffic to your doorstep.
Enter the porn site marketing blog.
Specifically, enter the Toilet Bowl Bitches Blog, winner of the .89th Annual Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. Its essentially one of those guys who stand outside strip clubs trying to entice passerbys to come on inside. It’s a promotional item. Of course, where as the guy outside the titty bar is trying to get you to pay to look at mediocrely hot chicks grinding against poles, the Toilet Bowl Bitches Blog is trying to get you to pay to look at mediocrely hot chicks licking toilets.
Yeah, pardon the expression, but I shit you not.
Check it out for yourself. Of course if licking toilets isn’t your cup of piss, they have that too. As well as chicks getting swirlies, being sodomized by plungers, licking their own piss of the floor and wearing toilet seats as they engage in various sex acts.
Now here’s where it gets disgusting: it’s a porn site marketing blog. It makes these posts, throws up a picture of a skank with a cock in her ass and her face in the toilet and then writes about how that picture along with a ton of others are on some other website. The blog exists not because some guy is huge fan of swirlie porn and does this out of the kindness of his heart, but because some company is trying to drive traffic to its pay site. Its a shill site.
And so, for their disgusting attempt to market something so pure as licking toilets, the Toilet Bowl Bitches Blog is today’s winner of a Randomly Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award.
For shame ladies, for shame.
Fun With The Law Of Sines
Get our your gas masks and calculators out boys and girls, its time for a pop poop quiz. Be sure to show your work.
We want to find out the length of the turd that is pictured horizontally. Here’s what we know:
- The vertical poop (B) is 15 centimeters long.
- Where the turds (A, B) meet, a 92 degree angle is formed on the left side (z).
- If a turd segment (C) was plopped down to form a triangle on the left side, it would meet the vertical turd (B) and form a 29 degree angle (y).
- If a turd segment (D) was crapped out to form a triangle on the right side (D), it would have to be 16.4 centimeters long to reach the top of the vertical turd (B) and the rightmost part of the horizontal turd (A).
So, Hipparchus, how long is the horizontal turd (A)?
Answer: The correct method is to remember that all the inside angles of a triangle add up to 180. That means the 3rd angle of the triangle on the left is 59 degrees. Using that you would try and apply the law of sines, to determine the length of turd C. You would bumble around for 10 minutes, google the law of sines, bumble around for another 10 minutes trying to understand it, say shit on it and move on to trying to figure out all the angles on the right triangle. Get pissed when you can’t find the arcsine function on the calculator program, get more pissed when you can’t find out how to compute it on the internet, then say fuck it all, quickly grab turd A, realize you need a ruler, search through the whole fucking house, break a desk drawer looking for it where it should have fucking been, stub your toe on that fucking dining room chair that’s always in the way, remember your tape measure in the garage, limp to go get it and then measure the piece of shit to determine, to 6 significant digits, that it is 15.6589 centimeters long.
And that’s how we do trigonometry.
The Crapalypse
I should probably have sought legal advice before posting this picture. I’m sure this is going to be used as evidence against me at my trial. I’m definitely sure I’m violating my Miranda rights on this one. What I did to that toilet can’t be legal.
Tar black, smelling of death, hot as hell and tons of it. I don’t wish what I did to that commode on Hitler’s toilet.
With as complex as the legal code is, I am sure it has to be covered somewhere in there. Locally, on a state level, possibly nationally, I am certain some sick fuck in the past tried to get away with it and the kneejerk politicians drowned the statutes with laws covering it.
Even if its slipped through our legislative cracks, it definitely had to have been covered by one of the conventions in Geneva.
I tried to get as wide an angle as I could and not show too much detail or choke to death on the stench. Even from this shot you can tell I shit that toilet back to the stone ages.
Not only am I incriminating myself against criminal law, what I did definitely goes against nature as well. No amount of recycling or using renewable energy is going to be able to counteract the effects of this crap. I don’t know what my toilet did in a past life to deserve what I did to it, but it must have pissed off Buddha pretty fucking good.
I shit that toilet a new asshole.
The Miracle Of Turdbirth
Some times, when the lighting is just right, you situated yourself in the correct position, the stars line up perfectly and you’re willing to get a nose full of ass; you can watch the turd you are crapping inch its way out your butt.
Its like watching the miracle of childbirth without any of the regret, anxiety of being trapped, anticipation of disappointment or disgustingness. A Discovery Channel masterpiece right there between your thighs.
Usually I’m too busy watching Judge Judy and/or playing Tetris and/or eating and/or jerking off when I’m crapping to take the time to figuratively smell the roses that are coming out my literal ass. Today though, as I plopped down I caught a glimpse of my sphincter and decided to stay for the whole show.
You really do have to catch everything just right. The bottom of the toilet has to be darkened, the lighting of the bathroom has to hit it just right and you have to have your head in the proper position relative to the water in the shitter to use it as a mirror to spy on the mysterious workings of your brown eye. But its possible. And mind blowing.
Now, if you can’t get the geometry right with the water and making it act like a mirror for you, I’m sure it would be fine to hop up on the bathroom counter, bend over, put your head between your legs and use an actual mirror to peer at your pooper as you dropped a deuce in the sink.
Better yet, buy a camera and capture it to enjoy for ever. Best yet, post your bowel movement video on youtube for the world to experience. Oh, and of course, save the receipt on that camera.
The Turd’s Prayer
Dear lord in heaven,
Creator of all, provider of everything, giver of life and with whom I shall spend eternal bliss, I ask you to please hear my prayer today and allow this enormous turd to finally exit this vessel of a body that you have been kind of enough to bless me with.
Oh Father, with your infinite wisdom and boundless compassion, please do not allow it to rip my sphincter in two as I fear it is doing. Nor let my straining while I do thy bidding to prolapse my rectum or fissure my anus.
Finally, my Lord, if it is your will that this boulder of a turd stretch my hither parts to their limit to test my belief and commitment to you, I shall succeed. There is no feat too painful that would ever cause me to question my faith in you. All I ask is at the end of my gastrointestinal tribulation, once I have endured this pain to prove myself to you, that no permanent reaming of my posterior carry on with me as I continue to do your work with my life in the future.
In jesus’ name, amen.
Providence
Yesterday’s shitty blog made me realize that I love what slot machines represent. We use specific technologically advancements to exploit our general social stagnation.
You ever hear a story about how ancient civilizations lived–some weird nonsensical practices they did and think ‘Why would they think the world works like that? What idiots.’
I don’t.
I look around and can easily see that we are basically the same stupid people who used to pray to the god of this and the god of that, who used to think we fell off the world when we walked too far in one direction and blamed it on the devil trying to get inside the souls of women when they bled once a moon cycle.
Honestly, we haven’t progressed that far.
Sure, technologically we have advanced to the point where we can communicate instantaneously with other dipshits halfway around the world. But what do we communicate about? On a societal level we haven’t advanced at nearly the rate our technology has. Mostly we use our global communication technology to distribute pornography and insipid, hackneyed comments about our boring lives.
Sure sure, I bet some doctors or scientists or engineers are collaborating on new advancements but they are anomalies. Further, whatever advancements those few people are collaborating on will just be used by the masses of the next generation to more efficiently distribute pornography and insipid hackneyed comments about their equally boring yet technologically advanced lives.
Which is why I love slot machines. They are perfect examples of our ability to technologically advance while stagnate as a species. The computer capacity that exists in a single slot machine today is more than the entire computer capacity that existed in the world 50 years ago. We sent and returned men to the moon on significantly less cpu power than a Double Wild Cherry machine. Paradoxically, the fact that the technological power of our games of chance are so advanced proves that as a whole we really haven’t advanced.
Ask anyone, absolutely anyone; and they will tell you that you will not win if you play slot machines. Everyone knows they are set to collect more than they pay out. Every single person who ever plays them has a definite mathematical expectation of losing money. Yet these things are still in business. And business is booming.
The only explanation is that people honestly believe in fate or divine intervention. Somehow they are the chosen ones, blessed by god to not have probability applied to them. They think that they are capable of winning at a mathematically proven unwinnable venture. What gives them this hope? Is it their innate ability to be awesome at slot machines? Is it their application of a skill they have diligently mastered through years of hard work? Is it some insight into the complexities of how slot machines work that they are able to exploit?
No, its because somehow, despite concrete evidence to the contrary, they can win at an unwinnable endeavor. People somehow think that providence will cause them to beat math. Fucks keep plugging money into a machine that is proven to take more of it than it gives out because somehow they are special. If they set up their tchotchkes just right, if they wear their lucky gambling shirt, if they rub the payout area just right, if they appease these false gods some how and some reason they will be rewarded.
When ever I see people playing slot machines it really makes sense to me that past civilizations sacrificed virgins. Fuck, I’m surprised we don’t do it. I can totally see it. I mean, if you think that you can win at a slot machine why wouldn’t you think that killing a 13 year old girl would ensure a good harvest or appease the hurricane gods?
