porkjerky plog
How Would Jesus Crap?
As much as I bitch, the web is still awesome for certain things that were eye-gougingly, ball stompingly, boring back in the day. For example, bible research. Suppose, oh I don’t know, maybe, perhaps you wanted to find out how the Bible dealt with certain subjects. Perhaps, maybe, oh I don’t know, lets pick one at random, how about — shit?
Back in the pre-computer dark ages, to find that information you would have had to either read the bible yourself or talk to someone who had. Neither were/are attractive solutions. Today though, thank the good lord Allah above, I just google ‘poop in the bible’ and get a listing of passages that reference shitting, then head over to one of the many bible passage lookup sites and I am soon marveling at how the good book is peppered with poo.
Eating it
Isaiah 36:12
But the commander replied, “Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the men sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own filth and drink their own urine?”
Using It To Cook With
Ezekiel 4:12-15
Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” The LORD said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.” Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign LORD! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No unclean meat has ever entered my mouth.”
“Very well,” he said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement.”
Using It To Punish
Malachi 2:3-5
“Because of you I will rebuke your descendants; I will spread on your faces the waste from your festival sacrifices, and you will be carried off with it.
Doing It Correctly So God Doesn’t Step In It
Deuteronomy 23:12-14
Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.
You get a few beers in him, and that god guy really tells some great stories. A little crass and overly preach in some places, but overall, a pretty good storyteller.
Shit Winning Blog #1
Black eyes, cigarette burns, broken bones, born addicted to crack, white supremacy tattoos: None of those come close to signaling that you’re a horrible parent like having a fat kid.
So it is with a mediocre amount of fanfare that I bestow upon My Overweight Child Blog the 1st Random Time Interval Shitty Blog Award presented by Porkjerky.com. This award is given whenever the fuck I feel like it to blogs that far exceed the high standard of shittiness prevalent on the web today.
Congratulations and thank you My Overweight Child Blog for the cliched drivel you pore onto the web.
Having a fat kid means you’re failure as a parent for so many reasons; overall negligence of their health, apathetic towards spending any time with them doing activities other than watching T.V. and eating and the inability/indifference to properly teach them what constitutes a healthy lifestyle.
My Overweight Child Blog, though makes it seem like it’s a condition that can’t be avoided, something that’s a medical mystery, with top scientists still searching for a cure. In fact that’s basically their mission statement:
The My Overweight Child blog will help you keep informed about the latest research, findings, and resources available to parents of overweight or obese kids.
And it doesn’t fail. Here are just a few sample posts about the latest research, medical breakthroughs and trite advice it dispenses:
Overweight Children Healthcare Costs Higher
Too Much TV + Too Many Skipped Meals = Overweight Kids
Rope Jumping Helps Kids Stay Fit By Making Exercise Fun
Unhealthy Eating Patterns Can Lead To Obesity In Children
Again, congratulations to the inaugural winner of the Random Time Interval Shitty Blog Award presented by Porkjerky.com. While the Porkjerky.com Weight Loss Program is an effective tool in the meantime, hopefully someday, science will find a cure for childhood obesity. And when they do, you know My Overweight Child Blog will be on top of it. Then, with its reason for existence gone, hopefully it will shut down the next day.
The Turd That Got Away
Oh man that pisses me off. Here I am working my duodenum off trying to expel this monstrous turd from my ass in one piece and it goes and does that.
We’ve all been there right? Slowly pushing, keeping your asshole loose and limber. Slowly pushing, slowly pushing, letting the turd gently glide out. Don’t rush it. Can’t force it. Just get it going and ride the wave. Let it glide out your asshole on its own. Don’t be a hero.
You can’t help it and glance at your watch and realize you have been working on this piece of shit for 4 minutes and 26 seconds. With all you’re might you resist the urge to freak out, clench your ass and cut it in two. Don’t want to do that. Stay calm, stay cool, act like you’ve been here before.
Slowly pushing, let the turd do the work and keeping your mind on your asshole. You take your eye of the prize for one second and your sphincter cuts your turd in two and then all this would be for naught. Gotta be patient.
So, I finally do it, after around 6 minutes and 12 seconds (but who was counting?) the last of that moby dick of a dookie splashes down—well it was so huge, it didn’t splash, it simply eased into the water. I quickly rummaged through the drawer to find the tape measure I keep for just this occasion, start to wipe, look down and realize I can’t measure it.
Unfortunatley, my aim was too good and my crap to huge. When I first started crapping my asshole must have been perfectly lined up with the drain hole at the bottom because my shit went straight down. As you will see in the photo, its like a sea monster living in a cave at the bottom of my toilet.
So while I am sure this set a new world record for length, there is no way to accurately measure it because its stuck in the bowels of my toilet. I try and dig it out to measure it and I probably break it. Its so huge its probably filled up the entire p-trap in the toilet. Cursed by my own hubris again.
Kiss My F-ing A, S-Eater
Jesus H. Cocksucking Fuck Christ Almighty Cunt Piss Whore. Why are people allowed to post uncensored comments on the internet. And by ‘uncensored’ I mean, checked for retardation. I am all for cursing, in fact I get offended when people pull this ‘I am cursing without using curse words’ bullshit.
When you use ‘effing’, ‘s’, ‘gd it’, ‘mf’ or any other cute abbreviation you heard for dirty words on the radio you’re not only a shit eating pussy, you’re a shit eating idiot. You actually undermine the entire purpose for cursing and your attempt to avoid it all at the same time. So either leave it out altogether and no one will know you’re an idiot pussy, or use the correct profanity.
Why do people think its ok to use neutered curse words in place of actual ones? Cursing is used for dramatic effect or to convey emotion. The words mean very little, it’s the idea they express that does. Got that dickshaft?
Communication, even vulgarity, is about conveying an idea. So remember that next time you decide to knock the balls off one of your profanities. Ask yourself what you are conveying by doing it, not what you want to convey, but what are you actually conveying. Are you trying to prove you’re a bad ass, but don’t want to get in trouble in case your mommy’s around? Or are you attempting to avoiding it so you won’t have to admit it to the priest during confession Sunday?
The same delusional rationalization that’s made assfucking so popular among teens is the same kind of intellectual compromise behind thinking its ok to curse as long as you don’t say the actual words.
If penis never meets vagina then we’re all still virgins
If I use ‘eff that’ then I didn’t curse
Words represent ideas and a dick going in another person represents a sex act. Oh, you may think you’re not breaking the letter of the laws that you have set up in your mind, but your breaking the intent of them. If fucking is wrong, then sexual gratification with another, no matter the specifics, is still fucking, still wrong. If cursing is wrong, then even using the word ‘banana’ to replace any curse words is still cursing, still wrong.
Fucking idiots.
What do you think you are accomplishing? The only reason to use gay swear words is to be ironically funny when talking about effing rtards who eat s while fingering their bananaholes because they are afraid to curse.
And then its still not that hilarious.
Stupid mofos.
Archimedes Is The Shit
At first glance you might look at today’s crap and think its just two small dooks. But oh how wrong you would be. This crap is something to blow even Mr. Wizard’s mind.
The one at the top left is pretty tiny, the one in the center however, is actually resting on the bottom of the shitter. Its floating inverted—like a buoy.
Or perhaps like a poopberg—you only see 10% of it because the other 90% is underwater. Its a half-sinker half-floater, standing straight up and down in my toilet. I really need to get a waterproof in-commode camera. They have those at Wal-Mart, right? That would up the grossness factor on this plog by 7 decomposing hookers.
So, obviously the bottom portion is heavier than water and sank. However, it isn’t so heavy as to act as an anchor on the rest of the turd. The top part is so buoyant it keeps the bottom portion afloat, dancing on the bottom of the toilet.
Not only does it smell like roses, but when I shit it comes in multiple densities.
Shitstorm Of A Sale
Why do I even google information about blogs? It’s like asking someone to kick me in the balls daily.
In researching how to sell out a blog, I came across an idea that’s equivalent to how homeless people make money washing windshields–first do it, then harrass, pester, beg, and whine like a twat until you get paid.
So, naturally, here’s mine:
Dear Yum Brands,
I recently started a blog chronicling all my bowel movements in 2009 and would like to form a partnership of sorts with Pizza Hut. I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss a sort of co-marketing agreement. We could hash out exactly would you like to have as well as what are you willing to offer.
As an act of good faith I have already detailed your P’zone in one of my posts and provided a link back to the Pizza Hut site. That post can be found at:
http://www.porkjerky.com/plog/2009/01/22/ode-to-my-ass/
Thank you and god bless.
The super shitty thing is that thousands of emails similar to that one have been honestly sent by opportunistic pieces of shit bloggers thinking they are going to garner legitimate advertisers.
Ode To My Poo
I once put a P’zone in my gut,
Never made it out of Pizza Hut,
Ass barely on the pot,
When out molten shit shot,
All that from one small hole in my butt?
The Cirlce Of Shit
Now, I may be dating myself (possibly date raping myself if I don’t willingly give it up—of course have you seen how I dress? I’m usually asking for it) but remember in the mid-90’s when everyone was getting rich by selling phone cards? Well, maybe not the rich part, but everyone was selling them.
Hawking them on the bulletin board at work, mentioning they had them, putting ads in the local weekly, stapling signs to telephone poles so that you could call them to buy them at rates only they could offer.
Then the pyramid began to grow. Sellers recruited other sellers and in turn became suppliers. Then vultures dropped in and started selling the new sellers phone card vending machines. Others scavengers started brokering deals between sellers and locations (malls, gas stations) to sell phone cards through them. I even remember seeing classes/seminars/books being offered to teach people how to make money selling phone cards.
A shitty industry was being built upon a shitty industry. People finally found a way to make money off phone cards—not by selling them directly, but by moving up a level and selling to sellers who were chasing riches themselves.
That’s where blogs are now–everyone is going to get rich blogging. Except that no one is getting rich blogging, not even those who sell shit to others to teach them how to get rich blogging.
83.7 million.
83.7 million.
83.7 million. That’s how many results you get when you google ‘make money blogging‘. Try it, then visit a link. I guarantee you on the site you go to there will be an ad about a referral program, and/or an ad for a link exchange system and/or an ad for a company that will direct traffic to your blog and/or an ad selling ads on blogs and/or an ad selling resource material about how to make money blogging.
I know it was a wise man (me) who once said, The only thing history teaches us is that we are too fucking stupid to learn from it.
A Turd Is A Turd Is A Turd
Oh look, January 20, 2009, let’s celebrate this new turd. Take to the streets. Sing a song. Wave a flag. Oh god bless this new turd. Its going to make our whites whiter, our brights brighter, help us lose 20 lbs without watching what we eat, increase our closet space by 200% and cook an entire turkey in less than an hour. Oh it truly is a turd of change.
Granted its proved itself in no way other than through lip service—like all the other turds–but it’s a different turd. A turd of a new opportunity, a turd that represents change and progress. A turd a shade different than all the other turds.
All hail this turd.
Hey, I am with you. This turd possibly can’t be worse than the last turd. It stank, it overran its toilet bowl. It felt like it was coming out sideways and had no real regard for the world around it. It was scheming, manipulative, criminal at times and overall just a vile, vile turd. It splashed water back up when it plopped down. Fuck, it possibly shouldn’t have been a turd in the first place. So I understand, this new turd possibly can’t be the worst turd ever. But that doesn’t make this new turd a good turd.
And even if it is a good turd, that’s still a turd.
Just because you’ve been in an abusive relationship for the last decade doesn’t mean the first turd you find is the best turd ever. Or not a turd. It just means all the other turds you have known have lowered your expectations such that any turd that comes along and whispers sweet lies about how good its going to treat you if you just give it a shot, clouds your perspective.
Mark my words, this is a turd like all the other turds.
138th Shitty Thing About Blogs
Oh man, I thought of something super shitty about blogs. As usual I won’t just be bitching about it, but doing it.
This porkjerky plog classic originally ran 8 days ago. Enjoy.
Look at that. That’s some mighty fine shitting my friends. That turd’s going up on my refrigerator. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does its something special.
I am a simple man who can appreciate the simple things in life. People always love to whine about their bad luck and always bitch about things they hate. Not me. Today, I am taking the time to point out the finer things in life and how we all have someting good plop into our lives every now and then.
Like craps that only take one wipe to clean. Thing of beauty.
Its not winning the lottery, or finding out an ex-girlfriend gained 70 pounds and is in an abusive relationship, but its still a pretty nice thing to happen. Just makes you appreciate life that much more. A shit that cleans with only one wipe is just one of the smaller things that makes you realize luck is on your side sometimes. Like something at the grocery store ringing up wrong in your favor or 2 M&M packets dropping from the vending machine or being white.
Shitty blog thing #138: Rerunning old posts.
Double fuck you. Its the god damn internet for testicle’s sake. You don’t need to repost bullshit that already exists. Stupid, lazy motherfuckers.
