porkjerky plog
Shitonyms
Fuck rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens. These are a few of my favorite things:
| poop | turds | shit | crap |
| dung | guano | doo doo | duke |
| feces | excrement | droppings | manure |
| ordure | stool | poo poo | deuce |
| #2 | crapola | diarrhea | doodie |
 |
|||
| ass | bum | butt | derriere |
| tush | rump | bottom | posterior |
| patootie | rear | gluteus maximus | duff |
| fanny | keister | backside | buttocks |
| behind | hind end | seat | arse |
| buns | hiney | back | booty |
| back | badonkadonk | caboose | dumps |
| browneye | anus | sphincter | Hershey Highway |
| pooper | asshole | rectum | shithole |
| fagina | crapper | butthole | poop chute |
| bunghole | fudge factory | backdoor | chocolate starfish |
Yeah, Eskimos are the crazy ones for having so many words for ‘snow’.
Shitless Rats, With Cute Tails
I just thought of another exotic animal like the Inebriated North American Vagrant that possible may not shit—the squirrel.
Medical Fact:
Medical Fact:
Medical Fact:
So maybe homeless and squirrels share the same DNA that causes them to not shit. Now, since neither of them offer anything of value to humanity other than that possibility, I say we round up a bunch of squirrels and homeless, dissect them to find out what makes them not shit, maybe run a few tests that up until now only Nazis had the balls to perform and see if we can use that knowledge so we don’t have to crap either.
Either that or drown a bunch of them both in a bucket for sport. I’m not a lawyer, but I am pretty sure recreational killing of homeless and/or squirrels is at most a misdemeanor, punishable with a small fine in most jurisdictions.
If not, it should be.
Homeless=Poopless?
Do they crap in their Tallboy bags when they are done? Do they hold it until they either get arrested or stumble back to the shelter? Do they eat it for sustenance?
Amazingly homeless have little shame. I have seen tons of them piss: In business doorways, alleys, themselves, standing underneath their bridges, behind bushes, even in front of bushes; facing traffic—their homeless cocks squirting into the wind. They have no problem with #1.
So its surprising that I have no evidence that they crap. No homeless droppings, no sightings, no nothing. I spend more than my fair share of time around them, on their own turf, and I don’t even have indirect evidence that they produce shit.
Never come across a doorway with a load of crap sitting in front of it, never caught one squatting in an alley, never been harassed for change from one of them with it smeared all down their backside, haven’t seen one ducking behind a bush or anything else to pinch one off. And I have never seen a homeless person use a public restroom—not even for pissing.
Where do homeless people shit? Maybe they don’t. I guess its feasible. I mean, a diet that consists solely of Night Train and Natural Light probably doesn’t produce much solid waste.
Life’s Most Important Question
Happy birthday to me; not you Gilbert. To me.
So, what did you get me? I got you something—and its kick ass awesome. On this soon to be national holiday, I have decided to give the ultimate gift to the world. No, not my life on a cross so the gates of heaven will open and you insolent pukes can have everlasting life—besides that’s really an empty gesture—if he really was the son of god, how hard is it to die? Plus couldn’t have god, oh I don’t know, just opened up the fucking gates himself? He’s god for christ’s sake—omniscient, omnipotent—ring a bell? And don’t even get me started on this “only” son of god bullshit either–He’s god, he can make more.
Any who, my ultimate gift is the answer to the most important question in life. The one that has perplexed every man, woman and child. The one that has gone unanswered through the ages. That’s right, from here on out, we will all be able to quickly get the answer to that all important question:
How much have I shit in my life?
Yesterday I gave you the answers to my historical shitting ability. Today, with my crapulator, you can find out about yours.
Your welcome.
How Much Crap Could A Crapper Crap…
Let’s do some back of the toilet paper roll math:
To give myself a margin of error, lets say I reached shitting maturity at age 10. All other turds before that will not be included. This will ensure all the numbers derived below are fairly accurate, and most likely underestimates. OK, here goes.
Tomorrow I turn 35. That’s 25 years, a quarter century of crapping. From 25 years ago (2/6/1984) to tomorrow (2/6/2009) there will have been 9132 days (25*365 + 7 leap). Figure a crap a day at a conservative 8 inches long by 1.5 inches in diameter each and we get:
1.15 Miles Of Shit If Laid End To End
559.1 Gallons Of Crap Out My Pooper
Then deduce that since shit sometimes floats and sometimes sinks its slightly less dense than water and you can figure that:
1.99 Tons Of Turds Have Gone Through My Tushy
Ha and that cocksucker high school english teacher said I would never accomplish anything in my life. He’s looking pretty fucking stupid right about now.
Also, if I averaged 6 minutes per crap for the time period, then I’ve shitted away about 5 weeks of the last 25 years pushing poop out my butt.
Lastly, if you were to take all that crap, mix it together, roll it into one big ball, then well, you’d just be a sick fuck.
Grandpa, You’re Full Of Shit
I realized something today as I was sitting on the shitter, playing GameBoy and watching cable on my flat screen T.V.—the world’s come a long way. Kids today don’t know how good they have it.
You see, I come from a different generation than today’s youths. We had it tougher than the teenyboppers now. Things weren’t easy for us; we had some real hard times we had to get through. That’s right, I am talking about the Great Depression….
…And all the boring fucking stories we had to sit through that our grandparents told about it. These lucky kids today don’t have to sit through mindless reminiscing sessions with Grandpa about the Kaiser or FDR or rationing or how he fox trotted with some dame with gams up to here in a soup line.
Holy fuck the old people in my day both wanted your pity (“Oh we had it tough back then”) and your envy (“boy things were sure better back then.”). Pick one or the other old man, the good old hard-times your selling is oxymoronic. In my day, you couldn’t even try to apply logic or critical thinking to the things they said, because I guess they didn’t get invented until after WWII.
So, I implore today’s youth to be braver than us, learn from the mistakes my generation made. Speak up and yell ‘Bullshit’ when your grandma and grandpa start to drone on about how horrible the conditions were at the internment camp they were relocated to during the Cola Wars and how life was also much better then.
My Word Is Gold, Your’s Is Shit
Why I never.
2 days ago I upheld my end of a link exchange bargain by linking to allsitedirectory.com. I wrote a nice post explaining why everyone associated with their organization and in fact, their industry, (sic) should do the world a favor to the world and commit mass suicide or at least mutilate their sexual organs to render them useless. And I faithfully fulfilled my obligation and provided a link to their site—which I just did again at the beginning of this paragraph—holy pussy fart, I’m a good guy.
Pursuant to their offer (yeah that’s right, they contacted me first, this was their idea) I completed a form they sent which included information about my site, what url they could find their link, etc. Then today the bottom feeders tried to renege:
After further review of your site by our Directory Specialist, we have found it best not to exchange links with you.
Please remove any links to our site and my email address from your site and links page.
What a sad sad day when you act in good faith and take spammers at their word only to find out that they have no intention of honoring the agreements they initiated.
What has the world come to?
So Shitty, Its Awesome
Today, I am taking a break from writing about things that I hate because they are so shitty and I am instead writing about something I love because it’s so shitty. First, a metaphor, possibly a simile (I forget the difference–and don’t give a shit).
I once worked with a gay guy who constantly sang show tunes, talked effeminately, made an annual pilgrimage to see Cher in concert and constantly referenced and simultaneously mocked himself for being so gay.
He was so self-awarely gay he was cool. And that’s why I love Wal-Mart.
Oh, you will hear tons of people talk about how horribly shitty it is, how it treats its employees badly, how it sells crap, how it rapes its suppliers, pillages the towns it moves into and is so stereotypically a big, evil corporation.
And that’s why I love it. Wal-Mart’s awesomeness is in how super-shitty it is. Whenever they do something wrong, they are always without real remorse. And disgruntled consumers are without real recourse, because we are all Wal-Mart junkies jonesing for our next cheap merchandise fix.
Oh you will get those concerned citizens who go to city council meetings trying to persuade the city to not allow Wal-Mart to move in. Or try to threaten a boycott. But when Wal-Mart sells shit that people in a community don’t need and at ungodly low prices, it’s pretty hard for the masses to stick to their principles.
That’s what’s awesome about Wal-Mart, they are a reflection of us. Oh, we will get our panties in a bunch every now and then and puff out our chests and talk about how shit’s gonna change because we aren’t going to stand for their crap anymore. But when the new ad comes out and they are dropping their already low prices on shit we can live without, all is forgiven.
And I am only half-way kidding when I use the term ‘shit’ to refer to their merchandise. I honestly believe Wal-Mart could sell chocolate covered carcinogenic turds in a box labeled “Chocolate Covered Carcinogenic Turds” with a sign showing how much the price has been reduced and make a killing.
God bless America.
Yeah, I’ll Trade Links With Your Shitty Site
I’ve owned and had some semblance of a shitty site up at porkjerky.com for over 13 years now. Every week I get some offer to exchange links with the biggest and bestest site in the world, a real up and coming site that’s going to take over the net. And every time it’s a new shitty site like a thousand other shitty sites that already exist—some sort of link aggregator–essentially a site that doesn’t do anything but provide links to other sites.
How many fucking directories does the web need? How many site catalogs? How many fucking indexes? How many blogs that only list links? How many fucking sites exist whose only purpose is to direct users to other sites? The web has turned into a pyramid scheme–no one actually producing anything of value, just leeching off others.
That’s your bright idea? That’s you’re whole purpose for existing? You honestly think you are adding something and being a productive member of our species by setting up another site that is essentially an online middleman?
Suck my anus Jessica Brooks, Account Manager of allsitesdirectory.com.
I received her request sometime in January to trade links to get listed on that shitty site. If you go there (which I highly recommend you don’t), you will see some marketing rhetoric bullshit that says:
We work to develop a collection of top rated sites for the catagories most searched for online.
Wow, what a fucking service they are providing humanity. Up until now, there was no way to get a list of top rated sites for the categories most searched for online. Oh wait, there was…
By fucking searching for them.
So it is with great remorse that I will be submitting this page’s information and telling Jessica that I am accepting her shitty offer to swap links with their shitty fucking worthless site (that should help their rankings for those important keywords).
Feel free to email her and tell her to suck on your anus as well. Remember, if we all work together with a single purpose to make the web a little better, well, we won’t make a difference, but if you follow my lead, it’ll be fun.
Another Crappy Limerick
There once was a turd in my bottom
He wanted to stay, but I fought him
After hours of strain
The beast finally slain
Now to stop bleeding from my rectum
