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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

This Day In Shitory

The Real Swine Flu Epidemic

I hate to keep raping a dead horse, but I just stumbled upon something terrifying about swine flu. Its growth rate is alarming, look at these numbers:

3 years ago:		3 cases
1 year ago:		62 cases
1 month ago:		1,634 cases
1 week ago:		10,278 cases
1 day ago:		1,457,942 cases

And by ‘cases’ I mean references to it on shitty blogs. Now, I don’t have a Masters in Mathematics (I just barely graduated Summa Cum Laude as an undergrad in it), but I think the correct term for that type of rapid increase is ‘expofuckinghugetric’.

The literal swine flu virus has figuratively gone viral. It has infected our collective conscious, attacking our ability to be immune to bullshit stories; which, lets face it, was already in a weakened state from all the crap T.V. we watch, our shitty educational system and our natural tendencies to be dumbfucks and read blogs.

Blame all the Mexicans you want, but the real people to blame for this horrible epidemic are all the fucking people with shitty blogs who won’t shut the fuck up about it.

Status Quo Poo

Good news, turns out not only was I wrong about my shit being a telltale sign that I have the pestilence du jour, but that shit wasn’t actually fresh.

I forgot to immediately take a picture and ambled off to do whatever it is I do in that post-shitting, euphoria induced state we all get in after a monstrous crap. Luckily, I also remembered not to flush so my daily loaf was still there for the filming when I came back to my senses a couple hours later.

That meant it had time to marinate, stew in its juices and do whatever turds do when they sit unflushed in a toilet for half a day. It also means I probably don’t have the swine flu.

Yet.

Thank the good lord allah almighty, my crap’s back to normal. But, if you’re a professional or amateur shitologist and can see something in the pic that’s amiss, feel free to contact me and tell me what I have.

Besides a fatal case of awesomeness and a touch of the hugecockitis, that is. I already have medical bracelets to warn others about those conditions.

Whats My Poopnosis?

Oh christfuck almighty. I’m not a normally a hypochondriac, but since 99.85% of the population currently has it, I just know I am going to get it also. And the from the looks of things, I already do.

Tell it to me straight, that’s a swine flu turd isn’t it? Look at how it turns red around the ends and its dark near the bottom. Fuck, that’s a classic, textbook case of swine flu. And to think I just thought news outlets were pounding this down swine flu down our throats because nothing sells ads like a good disease scare. Me and my shit are looking pretty stupid now.

Thank god for journalistic integrity. Because of their near-constant coverage I know that since I suspect I have it the most rational course of action is to stay at home and try to get over it on my own.

Dear lord, the cure is almost as heinous as this horrible, horrible disease.

Motivations Of An Ass Doctor

What’s a nigger gots to do to get some credibility up in this shit blog?

Try as I might to get an expert to weigh in on something shitty (DNA testing dog shit, link exchanging with a spam site, non-traditional gardening, etc.), they never respond or think I am kidding.

The same thing happened in my quest to find out what causes a man to become a proctologist (I know what you are thinking, but you’re wrong, a proctologist is an actual medical doctor, the best a lady could hope to become is a butt nurse), I was again rebuffed by everyone I tried to solicit a story from.

So, again I am left to my own genius and deep insight into the human psyche for determining why a person wants to make a profession of fingering other people’s buttholes. Below are answers I made up in response to the email I sent out to various proctologists I found asking them why they became a proctologist:

• I’ve always been fascinated with assholes, ever since I got my first one when I was 7.
• An impacted bowel killed my father. I promised him on his deathbead that I would avenge his death, never sleeping until I found, dislodged and exacted revenge on the piece of shit that killed him.
• Pussy. Chicks love asshole doctors.
• Scott Fucking Norwood. The only thing I was into more than the Buffalo Bills was drinking and gambling. Horrible, horrible combination. Long story short, I lose a huge bet on Super Bowl XXV to a friend with a mean sense of humor and I have been probing poopers ever since.
• I’m not really a proctologist per se. Its just my day gig until this band thing takes off.
• I guess you could say assholes are in my blood. My father fixed rectums, my father’s father bandaged buttholes, my father’s father’s father doctored dookie chutes, and so on and so on all the way back to my great great great grandfather who used leeches on George Washington’s ass in 1782.

A Representative Blog

Congratulations John Rigby, Connecticut’s 63rd Assembly District Representative. Your blog is such an awesomely shitty blog, it should be put on display in the Smithsonian so that the American people can come and learn from it for generations to come. It’s a national treasure and a testament to our politicians’ abilities to follow through.

Grab a pen and paper kids, because its time to take some notes on how to do a blog right. First, foremost and really, the only step you need to take for creating an excellent blog like Representative Rigby’s, is to set the damn thing up.

That’s it, you’re done. No need to post, no need to add any content or do anything else after that. Follow John’s shining example: set up a basic blog, ask people to forgive your laziness about not doing anything with it and never do a god damn thing with it.

Don’t take my word for it, check it out yourself. Now, I am probably breaking some copyright laws, but I am going to re-type every original piece of information he added to his blog, verbatim.

Ready? Here goes:

    State Representative-Elect John Rigby

    Please excuse my appearance…

    My blog is under construction

    Thanks,

    John

106 characters. 16 words. 1 empty promise. That’s all he added to his blog and then walked away from it. The people of Barkhamsted, Canaan, Colebrook, Hartland, Norfolk, North Canaan and Winchester chose a winner to be their voice.

Again, congratulations and god bless you State Representative Rigby. You’re everything I expected from a politician, and for meeting those amazingly low expectations, you win the Porkjerky.com Undetermined Timeframe Shitty Blog Award.

Ass Placebo

How many lives do you think those paper toilet seat protectors have saved? You know the kind people meticulously layout over a public toilet seat before they squat there prissy little ass down to take a shit?

I’m guessing it has to be at least 3 billion. And that’s just this millennium. Its a medical fact that 90% of all deaths in a year can be directly or indirectly attributed to the non or misuse of toilet seat protectors.

When will people learn?

I also heard that was one of the ways the Germans exterminated Jews. One line went to the showers, one line to the gas chambers and one line to an infected toilet seat they all had to use without the magically, medical assistance of a paper toilet seat protector.

Paper toilet seat protectors–what a load of shit. Just another of the many placebos we sell ourselves.

Exactly what diseases are communicable through a toilet seat? Are there any? If so, what diseases are communicable through a toilet seat but not communicable through a toilet seat covered in a thin, porous piece of paper?

If that shitty piece of paper is so great at preventing the spread of disease then why aren’t condoms and sanitary gloves made of it?

And, not to brag, but my ass is water tight. That’s right, in the shower it just beads up and rolls off it. My ass isn’t a sponge just soaking up everything it comes in contact with directly allowing it into my bloodstream.

Proctology Apology

I really think proctologists get the shit end of the respect stick. Take that horrible pun for example. It’s so easy to make fun of them, people don’t realize that they are way up there on the doctor list. We can’t get past the surface jokes of what they do.

They experience the exact opposite of the gynecological myth. By that I mean, everyone thinks being a gynecologist would be the best, when in fact its probably the exact opposite. People forget that doctors generally don’t see healthy people. Everyone thinks they just sit around looking at pretty pussies all day, jerking off every 15 minutes. The truth is they spend most of their day looking at pretty pussy (as in ‘puss-filled’) pussies, washing their hands and trying to not let the nasty ailments they saw burn into their memory.

The cobbler’s son has the worst shoes and the gynecologists wife has the least eaten pussy. Being a gynecologist would actually suck in that respect. Kind of like loving hot dogs so much you decide to take a job on the factory floor of Oscar Mayer, only to lose your appetite for them once you see how they are made. Same thing with gynecologists and sex.

Proctologists though, know what they are getting into isn’t the most enviable nor respected type of physician. Yet they do it anyway. And its not like just one thing can go wrong with your butt, they have to be on their toes and deal with a lot of shit.

There’s hemorrhoids, fecal incontinence, anal fissures, butthole transplants, prolapsed rectums, 3 or 4 types of butt cancer and because they literally are on the ass end of the body, they get all the symptoms of other diseases not in their specialty but which they have to diagnose anyway because someone came to them with blood in their shit, sore asshole or anything else that is a result of something going wrong upstream.

Think about how much it would take to have you spend 8 hours a day working on people’s filthy, sick asses. Would you do it for $200k a year? You would have to probe them, take shit samples, listen to them tell you how, what, where, when and why their butts hurt and that’s your job. I don’t think you could pay me enough.

Then to top that off, realize that to get that job that’s so ass-centered you would have to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for training and spend at least 7 years of your life learning about butts.

So to bring this full circle, in closing, proctologists are the shit.

Just My Luck

I thought that was just another of my grandfather’s boring WWII sayings. Like, ‘as the crow flies’ or ‘pert-near’ or ‘and if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass when it hops’ or ‘built like a brick shit house’ or ‘tell anyone what I made you do and I will fucking kill you. Do you hear me? Fucking kill you.’ Or ‘con sarn it’ or ‘judas priest’.

But this one wasn’t a 1930’s figure of speech. He wasn’t just whistling Dixie, it was actually true, when he said I’m so lucky I must have a horseshoe up my ass.

Lyrics To A Simpler Time