porkjerky plog
Shit For Brains Know It All
I have never met a fat bitch who wasn’t an expert on nutrition. When you hear a chunky chick talk about carbohydrates and ketosis and metabolic rates and onomatopoeia and saturated fats you would think she was a god damn doctoral student in biology.
That’s until you look at her drooping belly, huge ass, 4 chins and realize that while the heifer aced her mid-term and final exams, got a perfect score on vocabulary quizzes and nailed all the homework assignments, she failed miserably in the lab portion of life’s eating course.
How can you be so educated, yet so ignorant of something? I know tons of people like that–educated ignorami. Each with their own field of expertise, each unable to apply that expertise, but everyone calls them smart, though. I refuse to, because smart people don’t fail to act on the knowledge they have.
It boggles my mind how we grade on the curve when it comes to judging peoples’ intelligence. We hardly ever base our opinions of peoples’ intelligence on a person’s actions and the mistakes they not only make in life, but continue to live with.
Get a degree in Business, graduate in the top 10% of your high school class, score a 27 on the ACT and people think you’re smart—case closed. In everything you do and will do you are a genius. No need to evaluate what they have done in the real world, all the information we need to judge a person’s intelligence is on pieces of paper. Once you’re deemed smart, it doesn’t matter that you have lived in a mutually physically abusive relationship for 7 years, are an alcoholic, have 4 kids with 3 different partners, are thinking of declaring bankruptcy for the second time and have a panic attack every time you have to drive on the highway. You’re still smart, no matter how you practically apply that huge brain of yours to your life.
It’s like prejudice and racism. Anyone can be prejudiced, but it takes something extra to be racist. Racism is prejudice plus power. You can shout ‘Dumb Nigger’ until you’re hoarse, but until you have the ability to make black people feel your wraith; you’re just a prejudice poser.
Same thing with knowledge. Until that nutrition-savant fat bitch and anyone else who is incapable of doing something with their vast wealth of knowledge; they’re not smart. In fact the more knowledgeable of a subject you are and the less you apply it to your life, the more stupid you truly are.
Until you act with the intelligence and education you have, you’re not smart. So to all the fat bitches of the world, if you want to impress me with your nutritional knowledge, then don’t get fat in the first place.
Painful Poopy Poetry
A piece of shit was once in my ass
A turd I thought I would never pass
scratched the length of my gut,
tons of blood out my butt
When did I swallow a piece of glass?
It’s Unamimous, Happy Mother’s Day
No surprise here. It was quite a trouncing, that frankly, everyone saw coming. The only shocking part is that it wasn’t a shut out.
By a score of 17,776 to 2, Happy Mother’s Day solidly beat bitch mother for the more popular blog post title on 5/10/2009.
So, Happy Mother’s Day or in that rare instance, die cunt.
Another Award Winning Shitty Blog
How far do you think the average person is away from a weather forecast? 15 seconds tops? Right? And that’s including all the Amazon, African and Micronesian tribes that think the weather can be manipulated by their deceased ancestors if cajoled properly with a disemboweled goat. And anyone else, like poor people, old people and Amish who doesn’t have easy access to cable T.V. or the internet.
If I asked you to find out what the weather would be like tomorrow you could have that in 5 seconds being on the internet and all. But even if you didn’t use the web, you still have the T.V., maybe a newspaper and god forbid the radio, all shoving the weather forecast down your throat if you wanted.
6 billion people on this planet and on average, at any time, we are only ¼ a minute away from knowing what some witchdoctor meteorologist thinks the weather is going to be like tomorrow.
Worse still, I bet around 40% of the population spends more time somehow engaged in observing a weather forecast than actually outside in the weather themselves. 40% easy. I actively avoid weather forecasts and would say I still am exposed to it 30 minutes a day.
Ticker crawls across the bottom of the local news, newscast cocktease commercials (i.e. Rain tomorrow morning, tuned in at 10 to see how the rest of the day will turn out) during regular programming, driving with the radio on, accidentally flipping past the Weather Channel, its even in newspapers and every time I open up Yahoo. Fuck, every time I boot up my Wii it tells me. Yeah, 30 minutes a day at least.
However, shitty local T.V. stations everywhere still deem it necessary to actually blog about the fucking weather. Its not bad enough they spend 5 minutes at the start of every newscasts telling us that they will be telling us about the weather, then another 10 minutes telling us about the weather, followed by a 2 minute recap of what they told us about the weather, now the fuckers are moving their time filling skills to the net.
And let’s not forget all the regular programming they break into to tell us about how a farmer 400 miles away thinks he might have seen a funnel cloud. I swear to David Koresh if I am on the jury of a serial killer who preys on T.V. meteorologists that guy’s walking scot-free and getting a hug.
Of the many, and I mean many, horribly shitty weather blogs in the world, I decided to give this Porkjerky.com Whenever I Want To Give It Out Shitty Blog Award to the WMCTV.com Weather Blog.
Mainly because I got tired of looking through all those fucking weather blogs to find the shittiest. That and Memphis truly is the butthole of America.
Congratulations and kill yourselves.
Dasani: French For ‘Full Of Shit’
Remember back before we being environmentally friendly was the only thing we cared about? Life wasn’t perfect then and I am sure there was some other fad that everyone in the fucking world was getting their panties in a bunch for, but fuck if I can remember it.
Anyway, since it’s no longer kosher to drink bottled water because it makes Mother Earth’s uterus hurt, I’m drinking bottled water. Never did before, still think its gay, but its less gay than having people think I care about the environment because I am drinking tap water from a glass that I wash.
Anyway again, I am on the pot chugging and reading a Dasani bottle, and my asshole clenches shut in anger. My reaction to marketing material and racist propaganda are usually exactly opposites from everyone else’s. Racist propaganda cracks me up and marketing material enrages me.
That Dasani bottle was no exception. What a load of grade A, country fried horse shit.
Its like they think they can just put keywords together in a nonsensical fashion and our brains will not put them together to form sentences, but will instead focus on the individual words and get all romantic for how great their product is. No you fucking Dasani idiots, that’s not how it works.
And I quote from the bottle: “Enahnced with minerals for a pure, fresh taste”. Not only are these fucks putting additives in their product, they are spinning it to make it sound like those additives make it pure. You can’t add something to something else and make the first something more pure. You’ve diluted both somethings and by defintion that’s the opposite of purification.
Unless those minerals are made of only 2 hydrogen atoms and 1 oxygen atom then you are making it less pure you shitfucks.
Sibling Rivalry
Jesus what a fucking nightmare. That’s got to be traumatic. How do you ever emotionally heal from something that crushing? That shit will scar you for life. Truly devastating.
A family of 6 was held at gunpoint, tied up and then the perpetrators kidnapped a 3 year old boy. That’s horrible. That’s a life event you will not ever get over. Sooner or later that’s going to gnaw at your psyche and do some real damage.
To not be good enough to be kidnapped. That would suck. Those other 4 kids have to be feeling pretty awful about themselves right about now.
I’d give those asshole kidnappers a piece of my mind.
Let me tell you pricks something, I’m just as good a choice, if not a better one, to take, throw in your trunk, drive me across the border to a deserted barn and have your way with sexually. You’re really being shortsighted in your choice here.
I mean really, my 3 year old brother is a better potential victim than me? Come on look at me, don’t I just scream ‘Abduct me, bludgeon me to death and leave my corpse in a shallow grave?’ I don’t know how you guys don’t see it.
Frankly, I’m not mad, just disappointed in you. You call yourselves kidnappers and you pass me over for my 3 year old brother. Jesus Christ, you guys will never make it as kidnappers, that’s for damn sure. This is bush league kidnapper bullshit is what it is. Obviously you guys didn’t think this through entirely. Its fucking amateur hour kidnapper time.
Look at me; my face was made for a milk carton and an amber alert. Your messing with destiny on this one. I would have been an awesome abductee too. But now, I guess you’ll never find out. You know, fuck you. I can do better than you guys anyway. When I get kidnapped its gonna be by real kidnappers not you poser wannabees.
Seriously my brother and not me? I’m not gonna lie that hurts. All I am saying is before you roll him up in that carpet and throw him in your blue Hyundai, think this through and give me one good reason its not me. See look, I know the make and color of car, you can’t, in good conscious, leave me here. You’ve definitely have to immobilize me with duct tape, trhow me in your back seat and cover me with a blanket. Its just common sense.
Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to kidnap, but think this thing through. Give me a shot, you won’t be disappointed.
Please? Aww come one.
Peek-A-Poo, I See You
I love seeing things that let me see how creatures really live.
Like nature documentaries. Well not love, but mesmerized is a better word. I don’t go out of my way, set the TIVO I don’t have to record certain ones, get my vagina all slimey in anticipation of shark week and plan my days around watching National Geographic. But when I flip around and one’s on, I’m there until it’s done. No matter how stupid the subject.
I love seeing things I have never seen before.
Hubble Telescope photos, Jackass, surgical photos, gay porn–Not a huge porn freak–Not a huge fag. But I am absolutely mesmerized by dudes banging each other. Its like looking at the stars and trying to comprehend the universe. Oh you can see all the celestial bodies, understand physics, but once you actually see a clear starry night or a guy getting rammed in his shitter you just stare in awe and can’t get your mind around it.
I love seeing things I am not suppose to see.
Car wrecks and domestic disputes are my favorite. Its my god given right to derive entertainment from anything that happens in a public place. And god damn it, I exert that right. The more awkward or taboo the situation, the better. Like the time the couple at Popeye’s were negotiating what to get for dinner and one adamantly wanted mashed potatoes and the other adamantly wanted red beans and rice. That was all the the catalyst their fragile relationship needed for a blow up. Him, her and me were the only ones not embarrassed by their huge and almost violent fight. Ever other customer silently backed away, exited and went to KFC. I stepped closer and learned how how little his dick was, how she needed to lose 25 pounds, how his mother was a nosy whore, how she was glad she fucked his best friend 4 years before they met and how they were both through with each others bullshit once and for all.
FYI: they each got their own side item.
So, it is with great joy and pride and a little shame, that I saw the ultimate sight in life. It was something that I wasn’t suppose to see, had never seen before and involved how creatures really live. I saw other humans shitting in public. It was awesome–better than a gay water buffalo porno where they stop in the middle and have a fight….Actually now that I write that, and actually envision it, I would pay top dollar to see 2 water buffalo buttfucking each other then fight it out. Work in images from outer space and Johny Knoxville and you’ve got my life savings.
Let’s not get distracted, the important thing is I saw the penultimate site when I saw people shitting in public. I hope you caught the part where I used the plural form of ‘person’. I didn’t just see one, I saw multiple people shitting.
In public.
Awesome.
2 weeks ago I ran the Boston Marathon (I know–I told you I wasn’t huge fag, just a little I guess). Prior to the race, whether it was from nerves, bad chowder or some sick fetish were people wanted to have me see them shit then run 26.2 miles, I saw multiple people go near a wooded area, drop their pants and pinch one off. I use ‘pinch’ one off as a figure of speech not a literal description. Because of the nerves or bad chowder, there was nothing to pinch, more accurately, they gooed one out.
So, long story short, I crossed 2 things off my life’s to-do list: Run a marathon and watch people I don’t know shit. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, until you have seen another human drop their pants, crouch real low to the ground in an misguided attempt for some privacy/dignity and then expel a turd from their body, you have lived a sheltered life.
Building A Better Money Trap
Here’s what I mean: Some fat cunt’s blogfomercial.
It’s a one page site, made to look like a blog. Well technically it is a blog, except for the one page thing and set up for the sole purpose of selling bullshit. This is how humanity is spending its time? Setting up these shitty sites, spamming people with links and hoping to get rich from it all? At what point does getting a real fucking job become a viable possibility for these people?
God forbid, what if that is their job?
Now, anyone with a third of a brain cell can tell that site is some sort of viral marketing campaign for some wannabe diet fad du jour. I’m not stroking my cock and waxing poetic about how genius I am for figuring that out. My point is, that bullshit blogs like that obese snatch Joan Parker’s, are inevitable because we as a species are almost instinctually driven to junk up every medium we invent with bullshit ads trying to sell bullshit products and services.
There may or may not be a real Joan Parker behind it and who gives a fuck if there is—either case is super shitty. If there really is some fat soccer mom in California who set up the blog as a front to sell whatever vitamin/supplement weight loss bullshit she’s selling, then that’s horrible on an individual level. The fact that one single person can junk up the internet in this way is disheartening. What does it say about our culture when the technology we develop allows idiots to set up a scams like this with a few clicks of a mouse? Is that the point of our advancement? To put the ability to scam others into the hands of the common person? Is that the direction we want to move society in?
If there’s not a real Joan Parker, that means some shitty organization is behind this. That might be even more disgusting. Joan Parker setting out on her own to scam people is one thing, but an entire company that has some sort of investors, employees and a business plan that uses its resources to create these bullshit, grassroots looking blogs in the hope that people will fall for them and buy whatever shitty product they are selling is almost unconscionable.
That means its somebody’s job to do this and somebody else believes they can turn a profit not only doing this, but hiring people to do this for them. Oy vey. So, some guy goes into the office at 8, sits in meetings about how to set up these shitty sites to scam people out of money, then actually sets them up, then tries to get people to go to them, then goes to lunch, comes back to the office, checks some charts and graphs about how their bullshit sites are doing, a couple more meetings, answers some emails and goes home at 5.
That’s your job? That’s what you are contributing to society? Fuck me.
Fuck you.
Fuck us all.
Humankind Strikes Again
Shit cunt piss whore fuck. Its like the internet has turned into a sadistic Twilight Zone episode.
This ‘internet’, as it is fondly known, was to bring the power of the media to the common man. It allowed ever single person to craft their own message and send it out it to the world as if they owned their own broadcasting channel. Unfortunately, as Jason will experience, it did.
Everyone hears the good, but never applies the bad. We should have thought this fucking ‘allow everyone to have a voice’ on the internet thing through a little more. But no, we only saw the silver lining, not the huge fucking funnel cloud. It’s kind of like how everyone associates razing a couple thousands acres of the rain forest as bad.
Maybe, just maybe we destroy something that only grows in the Amazon and cures cancer. Maybe. And that’s a big fucking maybe. But isn’t it equally probable that we destroy something that only grows in the Amazon that causes cancer? No one ever thinks out that scenario, they only see the good. Same with the internet.
No one ever stops and thinks, ‘Jesus, we if we empower everyone with a voice via the internet we are giving a voice to all those idiot Mary Kay, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Jesus and Amway selling assfucks.’ Nope, no one ever gave that half a thought.
Take a second and think of all the mass media you have experienced and every one was deluged with some sort of spam. After midnight, and a lot of times before, T.V. turns into infomercial land. Financial charlatans, bullshit kitchen appliances people will only use twice, Billy Mays, exercise equipment and various other con artists. Even before midnight, when regular programming is on, 25% of every hour is commercials. Radio is even worse. What about mail? What’s your junk to actual mail ratio? Mine’s like 70-30 shit.
We’ve drowned every mass communication medium we’ve invented with advertisements for crap. Like Mary Ingalls when she went to that abandoned barn with those 3 horny men so they could just ‘talk’, we were so blind and naive. Its so obvious now, when we empower every single person with the ability to get a message out to the masses, its just in our nature to make sure that message is a bullshit ad goading people into buying something from us. Its in our DNA.
Cue Rod Serling saying, ‘The world got what it wanted, a tool to amplify every voice. A way to get every single person heard. Somewhere along they line, though, they failed to realize no one had anything to say, except “Buy From Me”‘.
That New Asshole Smell
My aunt burned through 3 livers in her lifetime. I know a couple people who got recycled kidneys. I know a guy who knows a guy who got a cornea transplant. Saw a Discovery channel program about a baby who got a new liver, pancreas and kidney. John Wayne Bobbit got his cock cut off and put back on. They can also reattach severed feet and hands.
So what about a new asshole? There’s 6 billion people in the world, I’m certain at a few people have completely shot shitters. Like the Goatse.cx guy or a reamed out anal porn star or a Vet who got his shot off/up in Iraq or or a vain prick who just wants a newer model or just some guy who wants to get rid of the body part that brings back all those horrible prison memories.
Can they do that?
I’m a charitable guy, I’ve taken care of mine; I’d be willing to pay it forward by amending my organ donor card and write-in, ‘Asshole’ if it would benefit someone in need after I no longer have a use for it. When it comes to my asshole, that’s just how I roll.
Physicians are lopping off tits, shoving saline in there to make them bigger. Surgeons are sucking the fat out of lazy fucks’ asses, thighs and bellies. Doctors are cutting chicks cunts up to make them prettier for christ’s sake. I am sure there has to be at least one opportunistic M.D. who saw profit in transplanting assholes and decided to give it a try.
My only hope is that it truly is like a major organ transplant and there’s a chance that the transplanted organ won’t be accept the new body its being transplanted too.
Sorry ma’am, your husband didn’t make it. We thought it was a perfect match, but in the end, the asshole rejected him.
