porkjerky plog
My Achy Breaky Heart
It’s a sad, sad day in the world of shit today. We all knew it was coming though, so its not that big of a surprise. But still, its never easy.
It pains me to bring myself to say this, but within forty-five minutes I only heard Party In The USA by Miley Cyrus 7 times on the radio. I know, it breaks my heart too. Merely days ago you couldn’t scan the entire FM band without hearing it at least twice.
Soon enough it will go the way of Barbie Doll, 500 miles, Tub Thumping and Oops I Did It Again. Not to be heard from again except as background music on retro oriented VH-1 shows. Breaks my heart.
It’s like seeing your grandmother get older and more forgetful. Sure its great to make fun of her because she came home from the grocery store with a bag of dog food for a dog that’s been dead for 5 years, but it’s a sign of bigger, worse things to come.
So while you have a little more time with Miley and Grandma, there’s still a dark cloud of eventuality that’s always hanging over our every encounter with them. Their final resting days are coming and we are now aware of it.
Okay, I have a confession to make. Its worse than I originally let on. Are you sitting down? One of those 7 times I heard Party In The USA was on the NPR Show This American Life. It pains me to say this, but it was used as transitional music.
I know that’s a lot to drop on you and it happened really fast. I am sorry. One day you laugh at grandma as she searches the house for her reading glasses that are on her head, the next day she’s killed by shrapnel while trying to microwave eggs in her cast-iron skillet. Unfortunately that’s what’s happened to Miley’s song.
Don’t worry, the next band wagon just pulled out of the station and is on its way to save us all.
The Poo That Keeps On Giving
The giving continues. First I open this blog and regal you all with wonderful anecdotes about my shit and how blogs suck. Then I create a crap calculator so everyone in the world can calculate theirs or another’s lifetime shit production. Next I start a shitty social networking project by swallowing, shitting and reintroducing into the currency supply some dollars. A couple days ago I gave up all my hard earned intellectual property rights by posting a shit pic on Wikimedia for the world to use at it pleases.
Does my generosity know no bounds? Can my altruism be stopped? What kind of noble endeavor will I undertake next?
Today, I am cowboying up, getting r done, creating awareness, paying it forward, embracing diversity, honking for jesus and thinking of the children as I make lemonade out of lemons, because that’s how I roll. I just changed the image on the ‘Human Feces’ article of Wikipedia to the picture of my shit from a few days ago.
The one that had been accompanying it was, pardon my French, a load of shit. Actually, judge for yourself, here’s the old image that was attached to the Human Feces article. As you can clearly tell, it’s a little too perfect. Who shits in perfectly coiled crap on the lip of the commode?
A big fat feces faker that’s who. Look at the consistency of the shit in the old pic—it’s a little too homogenous, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, here’s the Wikipedia article on ‘Homogenous’. Not only is that shit placed a little too perfectly, it’s a little too perfect in its substance. Its soft, but not runny. You can see its made of different materials, but those materials are almost perfectly and evenly spread out within the turd.
I called bullshit on that shit and decided to fix it.
I could not in good conscience let people genuinely interested in learning about poop think that that poop was how they should be shitting. I won’t let Wikipedia turn into a fashion magazine, giving people impossible, staged and airbrushed images to try and live up to.
So, while my shit may not be of uniform consistency, perfectly coiled at the lip of my toilet, my shit is in fact shit. Behold it, lumps and all. I refuse to sugar coat my shit.
Sludgey Fudge Factory
As this shitty blog draws to a close I swear to Mohammed I am not trying to short change you. There is a turd in that toilet.
One came out of my butt at any rate.
I sure as shit had to wipe my ass. In fact that’s were the majority of that turd ended up. Christ almighty I went through 3 rolls of toilet paper, a bath towel and still had to hop in the shower to get all that goo off me.
My asshole hasn’t been this raw since my grandfather died in 81.
Free Shit
How many times have you been putting together a Christmas card, looking for a desktop image for work or for whatever reason needed an image of someone’s shit? You hop on Google images, get lucky and find the perfect crap pic. But then you realize that you are unable to use it because of some restrictive license agreement or copyright claim on it?
Man that singes my nut hair.
Maybe its the holiday spirit getting to me. Maybe I am turning soft in my old age. Maybe all these copyright obsessed blogger faggots pissed me off enough to get off my ass and do something. Or maybe, just maybe, my syphillis has entered the 3rd stage.
Whatever the case; I have come to the rescue of all your shit pic needs. I have opened my anus and open sourced the resulting images. I just donated today’s shit image to the Wikimedia Foundation under some hippie/free-love you can use it all you want license.
Here’s the link to the feces photo I gave humanity.
Now, for obvious reasons I can’t just give away the store and provide every shit pic for you to use in whatever demented way your disgusting mind can envision. I mean, this blog, like everyone elses’ is a goldmine and I must protect my copyright on the images of my feces. If you even vaguely describe what one of my turd pics looks like to some one else without my express written consent, I will beat you to death with your own rectum and/or file a cease and desist order (whichever is the legal remedy in your jurisdiction).
So, while you can’t just stroll in here and copy images of poop wily nily, you can head over to the Wikimedia site, and get that perfect shit pic for whatever nefarious use you have.
Turd Burglars Beware
Turns out raping that fat chick is a better alternative to stealing some petty bloggers shitty post. Yesterday I was amused by bloggers who put inane copyright notices on their sites. They were worried about having their vapid content being stolen.
That’s equivalent to having an alarm system installed in your home because you were afraid thieves would break into your house to steal the feces out of your toilet. They were worried about problems that didn’t, nay, shouldn’t exist.
They were all like ‘Persuant to statutory laws pertaining to intellectual property…blah blah blah‘.
I was all like ‘No one wants your to steal your shitty inane posts.‘
And they were like right.
Turns out there are turd burglars in the world, waiting to steal worthless blog postings. Listed below are posts on blogs about bloggers who were scorned and actually had content stolen. You can click on the links to learn about their valiant fight for justice or at least their rant for it. But I’d advise against it.
Someone’s panties were in a big brown bunch when the got their shitty guide to setting up an advertising campaign lifted off their blog. What they wrote was something straight out of a Marketing 101 book from a junior college. It wasn’t worth the electrons it was written with, but somehow they felt owed millions of dollars.
According to the Blog Header guy, he ‘literally went ballistic.’ Anyone who unintentionally misuses the word literally, literally has nothing of value to say and cannot have their content stolen.
I call this one, Jim Boykin: Internet Pussy. The link above is to a post about a post. That is, in the post I have linked to above he tells why he removed a post on his site that bad mouthed a guy who stole from him. He says the guy emailed him and said, get this ‘it was a friend’ who did it. Jim Boykin: Internet Pussy buys this, feels as he over reacted and removes the post where he bad outhed the guy. Yet somehow, Jim Boykin: Internet Pussy, feels the need to post a post about why that post was removed.
Hell hath no fury like a menopausal woman copyright infringed. Moderately good news though: the blog aggregator that had been stealing her posts is still stealing her posts but has taken the advertising off them. She claimed victory.
The only silver lining in any of these stories is that the internet got cleaned up a little. Instead of multiple worthless pages with these fucks inane posts, there is only one.
Solving Problems That Do Not Exist
When it comes to ignorant disillusionedness only fat ugly bitches can match the hubris of bloggers.
I used to work with a misinformed, mangled-faced manatee. One day she lost her keys and everyone in the office was halfheartedly looking for them. Honestly, we were all pretty sure that they went down her gullet when she was scarfing up one of her lunches that day. Somehow though, despite lack of effort and not caring, I found them. And started cracking up, to the point of tears.
On her key-chain was pepper spray, a rape whistle and a sexual assault hot-line trinket. Talk about wishful thinking. That’s like not owning a car but walking around with a gas can so you won’t run out of gas. Or the Amish worrying about Y2K. She was prepared for a problem that would never exist for her.
That fat bitch’s key-chain is exactly what I think about every time I see a shitty copyright notice on a shitty blog.
Oh fuck, somebody’s going to steal my rant about why I hate school and make a ton of money off of it. I better put a copyright notice on my blog. Don’t want someone trying to plagiarize my dissertation about all the logical inconsistencies between the new Star Wars Trilogy and the old Star Wars Triology. I need to get a legal notice up on my blog A.S.A.P.
You dumb fucks are too cute.
Here’s just a quick list of blogs with absolutely no inherent worth, but delusions of grandeur anyhow:
Don’t even think about stealing excerpts of her post of how Paypal fucked her.
I swear to god, if you reuse her images of her makeup kit for commercial purposes…well, it won’t be pretty.
The blue haireds will put you in a world of hurt if you copy and paste any material from this site.
May god have mercy on your soul if you republish the story of Carmi’s breast tumor and/or mastectomy, because god’s lawyers sure the fuck won’t.
Almost as good as the idea that anyone would want to steal the turds they are plopping on the internet is these fucks misunderstanding of copyright. I’m fairly certain they didn’t run their copyright notices by any lawyer that ever even took the bar exam, must less passed it.
The most disappointing thing is there’s absolutely nothing of value to steal on their blogs. I looked and I looked, I wanted to find an image, a paragraph, something I could post it on this blog. Then I was going to email them and dare them to sue me. But there was nothing, absolutely nothing of any value to steal.
That’s ok, I have a backup plan. I heard from an old co-worker that the fat bitch still works at that same place. I think I’ll swing by next week and rape her on her lunch break.
It’s Saying ‘It’s The Thought That Counts’ That Counts
Nothing says, ‘Our culture requires that I get you a gift, but I had no fucking idea and didn’t want to waste any of my precious time giving you a meaningful one’ like a gift card. I love them.
They are so awesome.
Now, you still need to know a little about the person. Whereas a gift requires you know enough about them to get them some item that they will find useful or meaningful to their life, with gift cards, you just have to have an inkling as to where such an item may be purchased.
Would Jim like the ability to buy some shitty sweatshop made products from Dillard’s. Or does he seem more of a guy who would like shitty sweatshop products from Macy’s? Boy, holiday shopping is so hard.
You mean so much to me that I bought you the ability to buy yourself something. But only at this specific store. Awesome.
If it truly is the thought the counts, a gift card is the step just above completely forgetting about getting somebody a gift and 2 steps above telling them to go fuck themselves on Christmas.
Deciding where to get gift cards is so hard. If only they made a universal gift card, one good at every place.
Fucking idiots.
Happy Superficial Prejudicial Atonement Week
Hannukkah is the winter Cinco De Mayo.
To the majority of this country, both are viewed as important events to cultures we normally look down upon. These holidays are deemed important by us because no one gives a shit enough to learn about the history of either one of those events or to learn about their actual insignificance to the cultures we deem them so important to.
For some reason we all feel the need to embrace a holiday for those cultures to make it appear that we don’t look down upon them. Kind of like how people hang shitty pictures their kids drew up on the refrigerator, feign interest in some fat bitch’s story of how she has lost 4 pounds this month and overactively listen when stupid kids talk about a petty achievement in school. Somehow recognizing and being topically informed about something of theirs we are absolved from actually thinking they are lesser than us.
No matter how wrong we are in our ideals about it.
It’s some sort of superficial prejudicial atonement. We think that doing the least possible to know something about their culture makes how we really feel about them ok. Sort of like mentioning having a black friends after making a racist joke.
Overgrandizing the importance of Hannukkah and Cinco De Mayo makes us not prejudice in our minds.
And to all a good night.
T Minus 22,938 Turds
I’ve got about 15 more craps left in me for 2009, give or take. But what about in the rest of my life?
Now that wasn’t one of those quasi-rhetorical questions I use to lead into some shit calculation. Given my immediate forefathers lifespans, my shit calculator, my genius and my desire to know the worthless; finding it out specifically would be trivially easy.
But it would be psychologically difficult. I don’t know if I could take it knowing I only had X amount of craps left to take in my life. Every crap would then be part of a countdown to my death. No, that’s not something I want to know.
How horrible would it be to know you had only 112 more shits to take? To be at the store, go down the toilet paper aisle, throw some Charmin in your cart, then it hits you, ‘That 16 pack might be overkill. I should probably stick to those single ScottTissue rolls from here on out’.
Every crap would bring you that much closer to death. You would almost literally be crapping your life away. Shitting would become a sad experience. Like having a punch card of days until your death.
No thanks, like all those red headed bastards kids out there that might have my DNA, that grinding sound my car makes when I take left turns and the STD’s I am probably walking around with—I prefer not to know the specifics of how many shits I have left in me.
I’ll keep my bliss thank you very much.
You’ve Been Dumbfuckstruck
Da na na na na na na na….
Da na na na na na na na…
Da na na na na na na na…
Da na na na na na na na…
Da na na na na na na na…
THUNDER
Da na na na na na na na…
THUNDER
Da na na na na na na na…
THUNDER
Da na na na na na na na…
THUNDER
Da na na na na na na na…
THUNDER
You’ve been thunderstruck. Or at least you will be at 8 p.m at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, FL on 8/29/2009 according to today’s winner of the Porkjerky.com Randomly Given Shitty Blog Award winning site, St. Petersburg Bowl Tickets Blog. That’s when the unranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights take on the unranked University of Central Florida Knights in the St. Petersburg Bowl.
Hell fuck yeah.
What a shitty blog.
For one, its like a blog selling used toilet paper. Rutgers vs. UCF? Wow. I might, maybe, just maybe be willing to watch the last 6 minutes of that game if it is close, I accidentally happen upon it while surfing and the only other sporting event is WNBA or figure skating. Maybe.
Even without its crappy purpose, it’s a shitty blog all on its own. I think it was thrown together in 5 minutes. If you go to its About page you’ll see it has the default content telling the author to put his content there. There’s grammatical and punctuation errors throughout it. And they spell St. Petersburg three different ways on the fucking thing.
Lastly, its either a domain squatter site or a marketing blog. If you check out the section called ‘Blogroll’ you will see links to other blogs named after bowls. If you go to any of them you will see essentially the same site as the St. Petersburg Bowl Tickets Blog, except with that bowl’s name and information. It looks like someone bought up all these domains and parked all these shitty blogs on them. Also, all the links on those pages ultimately try and direct you to ticketliquidator.com and tries to sell you tickets
That means the dumbfuck bought all these domains in either the hope of selling them to the bowls or the plan all along was to turn them into these abomination blogs and funnel people to that shitty ticket site. Whatever the case, the St. Petersburg Bowl Tickets Blog, of all those shitty bowl ticket blogs is the worst and winner of a Porkjerky.com Whenever I Feel Like Giving It Shitty Blog Award.
Yeah Yeah Yeah. THUNDERSTRUCK.
