porkjerky plog
Here’s What Else You Get – Shit
Good news, you can own your own Porkjerky.com Erratically Awarded Shitty Blog Award winning site. Today’s prize-getter is for sale.
That’s actually how I found it. As I was sitting at the computer splattered in my own semen and fingers smelling of poo, inspiration struck. I wondered if any fuck was retarded enough to sell their blog via Ebay. Like most things I think of with blogs, I was disappointed by not being disappointed.
I found yKvz Blog for sale. Better yet, the seller has a 50% approval rating and the top bid is only $26.92 with 14 hours to go. Best yet, it’s a shitty, shitty, site.
There are Google Ads in 3 places. Amazon Ads that overlap some of the main content. Ads running down each column and even inside the posts themselves.
Oh it almost looks pretty, but its another waste of internet space. I googled snippets of what they tried to pawn off as posts and found out they straight lifted everything from either press releases or newspaper articles. That explains why there are over 22,000 posts even though the blog has only been online 18 months.
That’s over 40 posts an day for a year and a half. And not one good. I’m convinced someone wrote a computer plagiarizing program to go out, suck in articles and spit them out onto the blog.
22,000 posts in a year and a half. To quote a very wise lady ‘That don’t impress me much’. In fact it has the opposite effect.
And it can all be yours for the low, low amount of $30. It’s a small price to pay to say you own a Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award winning blog.
Operators are standing by.
Rhyming Household Tip
If a cat keeps filling your yard with poo,
Here’s a trick Martha Stewart won’t teach you;
He can keep on licking,
But closed tight, its sticking
Cats’ assholes are no match for super glue
Happy Juneteenth
Happy Juneteenth everyone.
What a fucking retarded, stupid, dumbass, shit-sucking, idiotic, truly American holiday. This is right up there with the plaque in Topeka that celebrates Brown vs. Board Of Education, the 1965 Voting Rights Act, Dr. Martin Luther King Boulevard in Memphis and every time someone congratulates a fat dumbfuck for dropping a little weight.
It’s a celebration of shit that shouldn’t have been. Its another way we glorify ourselves for being so noble, so great and so intelligent for fixing the mistakes we made.
Juneteenth is a holiday based of the June 19, 1865 forced emancipation of Galveston, TX. That’s right—‘forced’ emancipation. It wasn’t enough that Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation two and a half years earlier. Nor was it enough that the South surrendered in the Civil War ended 2 months prior. Slaves in Texas still weren’t free.
Now though, our shameful history is today’s excuse for a barbecue. Juneteenth shouldn’t be a holiday filled with celebration, but a week we all hang our heads in shame.
This Is Not A Test
Jeez O’Christ. This will probably be the last post ever. Not for me, but for blogkind. The New World Order is taking over and I for one will be spending the Tribulation in my refashioned Y2K bunker (formerly my Rodney King Race War fortress, formerly my 12/3/90 earthquake module, formerly my father’s Cola Wars sanctuary, formerly my father’s nuclear fallout shelter, formerly my grandfather’s War of The World’s haven, futurely my ‘I-Guess-I-Should-Have-Worn-A-Fucking-Rubber’ hideout), with my bottled water, MRE cache and stack of VHS tapes.
Yeah, now who’s laughing?
I’m not the type to normally get all preachy and bibley, but the shit that’s happening today was all foretold in the good book. Learn to read people. See the signs. It/He’s coming. Shit’s going down.
Technically the bible doesn’t flat out say or even allude to a black man leading the strongest nation, but it should. That’s a sign of the apocalypse if I ever heard of one.
Then, tell me the swine flue isn’t a sign from god.
Blasphemer.
A pandemic caused by hogs? That’s definetly god’s M.O., his name is all over that one. I don’t know exactly where in the bible it foretells that, but I can guarantee it’s in there. Look near the faggy parts would be my guess.
And today’s the day of reckoning. Today’s the day we all get judged. That’s right, its DTV Conversion Day, just as foretold in the book of Revelations (probably), and confirmed by astrologers and MBA’s worldwide (most likely).
Repent, say some prayers, light some candles and smear the blood of your old analog T.V. onto your doors in the hopes that the FCC will have mercy upon all who dwell in your household.
It Was A Gift
As I laid in bed with a finger in my ass jerking off to Roni Deutch commericials that are infrequently seperated by actual day time T.V. shows, I saw someone I knew. Kind of.
Today, the second case on Judge Judy was the mother of one of the roadside crosses I found suing her ex-best friend. It was awesome. Awesome in the sense that Chris Cooper’s death got that much more shitty for his family. Here’s a link to his roadside cross and the actual story of his demise, which was really horrible. And not the awesome horrible I enjoy. His death truly was shitty (and that’s coming from me, a calloused prick).
Long story not even given, his mother got about 8 grand from an insurance policy when he died. She was going to set up a scholarship to honor her dead son, but her best friend got a whiff of the money and asked to borrow most of it for god knows what. Grieving mother said sure as long as you say you will pay me back in time to set up the scholarship come graduation time. No problem her best friend said.
Well, I guess what she meant was it was no problem to say all that. Actually doing it was quite a problem. 10 months later and not a penny has been paid back. So deadbeat cunt gets on Judge Judy and gives the classic ‘Its was a gift‘ defense. Except the explanation of how it became a gift went like this: ‘Yes, she loaned me the money and I said I would pay it back, but then she asked for the money and expected me to pay it back. Then she kept asking for the money, so at that point I decided I didn’t have to pay her back because it was a gift.’
Where’s a reckless drunk driver fleeing from the police when you actually need one?
The Ole Turd Defense
I wonder if there has ever been a murder investigation that required the cops to do some CSI analysis on a turd to see how long it had been sitting around in a shitter decomposing.
I turded around 5 today, had to run some errands and forgot about this little bastard sitting in my crapper until 11. Luckily I wasn’t arrest for a murder that occurred on the other side of town at 5 and didn’t need this bowl of shit to serve as an alibi and was able to flush it.
We got you dead to rights on this one. We have an eye witness who put you at the scene of the crime. Just confess and we will go easy on you.
No, I swear to god it wasn’t me.
Oh really never heard that before. Just come clean, admit you raped, killed and raped again that 85 year old retarded women at 5 tonight and hopefully we can spare you the chair.
Jesus Christ it wasn’t me. Wait? 5 oclock? And the murder was cross town from where I live?
Oh look who’s remembering his heinous crime against ole lady McGillis. Go on, keep confessing.
I’m not confessing, I didn’t do it. There’s a turd in my toilet bowl that can prove it.
He’s right Chief, his story checks out. We just got the lab results back and they confirm that disgusting pile of shit was crapped between 4:50 and 5:10 today. He’s a disgusting fuck, but not the disgusting fuck we are looking for. His only crime is against nature for what goes on in his bathroom and comes out of his ass.
Ahh the good ole turd defense. Perry Mason wins again.
Father Knows Best
My father, who’s full of great advice and wit;
Said we’re gonna talk about love and to sit.
Call me old fashioned,
Maybe unpassioned;
Son, true love doesn’t make you eat a girls shit.
Prima Facie Shitty Blog
Twitter has a blog. Thats like finding out the skanky girl in high school who you hated because she was such a bitch turned out to be an anal porn star who flaunts and lords her misachieved popularity over people who are disgusted by it.
Technically its not changed anything, you just feel a little more disgusted although you thought you couldn’t. Then it sinks in and it just makes sense.
Why wouldn’t that skanky full of herself bitch take it in the ass for a living and be proud that she did? Why wouldn’t a shitty site that encourages losers to communicate the inanities of their lives to the world have a blog? They both actually make a lot of sense and when you finally accept them, you realize it couldn’t be any other way.
Honestly, what do you say, other than ‘Congratulations’?
Just as if I had run into that pompous butt-whore at my 10 year high school reunion, I have nothing to say to or about the Twitter Blog, other than good job. Just the idea of such a blog makes you worthy of an award.
Twitter has a blog. Amazing. Its like a poop covered turd with a nougat center made out of shit and sprinkled with crap. Its so shitty through and through, I don’t know where to start or how to end. So, allow me to take the high road and say, Congratulations, the mere concept of Twitter having a blog is worthy of the Porkjerky.com Whenever I Feel Like It Shitty Blog Award.
Breaking News: The News Suck Ass
A-fucking-mazing. I watch the local newscasts by flipping among the 4 local T.V. stations from 10:05 until 10:12. The first 5 minutes is weather, what’s coming up in the weather later in the newscast and shots of reporters live on location in front of places that had something happen there 10 hours ago giving you a cocktease of the shitty report they are going to give you after the commercial break.
Everything after minute 12 of the newscast is weather, more weather, clips of that god damn water-skiing squirrel and a weather synopsis. So you miss nothing by coming late and leaving early.
That’s why I only watch newscasts for those 7 minutes—it’s the only part of the news that’s actually news. And then even calling it news is being generous.
On each of the 4 newscasts (which bumped up their weather coverage tonight because there’s a big storm 200 miles to the south of us (true fucking story)), there was a piece about how Tony LaRussa settled with Twitter because someone set up a fake Tony Larussa twitter account and made posts that somehow defamed him.
Who gives a shit right? Yeah, me neither. But somehow I googled something else, found a link that linked to a link that linked to a page that redirected you to a site that somehow landed me on the Twitter blog. Yeah, that’s pretty shitty in and of itself. But the huge turd in the matter is that before noon today Twitter posted something saying, no motherfuckers we didn’t settle, won’t settle and to kiss their rosy red black asses on the matter.
12 fucking hours they have that up and all 4 of the fucking newscasts, a ton of traditional news websites and a shit load of blogs have report erroneously that he settled. They fucking newscasts just picked up the Associated Press story, condensed it down and threw it on a teleprompter. A decade ago I would bitch about how not one fucking person could pickup a phone and confirm this with Twitter. But that’s not even the case any more. In 2009 these lazy fucking pieces of shit don’t even have to pick up a phone and talk to anyone, they just have to fire up a browser.
Then again, that would take away precious seconds away from their bread and butter of telling us about a storm that missed us by 4 counties.
The Turd Is Always Greener On The Other Side
When you’re feeling all alone in the world, standing up for what’s right against a foe incalculably stronger than you, putting the good of your fellow man above your own personal well-being, trying to affect a positive change in the world for generations to come, literally risking your life today for a better tomorrow for all: Well, keep this thought close to your heart: it will probably all be for naught you stupid fucking idealistic hippie.
Only 29 days until I gets to shoots me off some bottle rockets. Hell fuck yeah.
