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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Fuck Mud Pies

Who wants a peanut-filled, chocolate funnel cake?

 

Many Super Happy Respects Upon Your Blog

Is there anyone sadder, more pitiful than motivational speakers? I use both of those adjectives in their literal senses with no mocking intention at all. That will come later.

Sad as in the, ‘I am going to cry because I am unhappy’ way. Do truly happy people devote that much of their lives trying to be happy? No–it just happens. It’s like fat chicks who are self-taught Doctorates of Nutrition—they spend all their time learning about the intricacies of what each food you could ever eat does, what it contains, how that chemically breaks down when digested yet are still fat pieces of shit. Skinny people, just eat right and are active—no mystery, no hours of reading, no time spent trying to find loopholes in the system. Same thing with happy people, they just are happy and don’t devote their lives to finding out why or collecting pithy quotes on the subject.

Motivational speakers are also pitiful; in the ‘I genuinely feel sorry for them’ way (well, if it was medically possible for me to pity). I’ve been forced to listen to those guys and they have what I call ‘Single Motheritis’. Everything they are saying about how happy they are is mainly for their own benefit. If you’ve spent even 2 seconds with a single bitch with kids, you know what I mean. They’re not really trying to convince you with what they say, they are trying to convince themselves that the bullshit they are spouting about success and achieving happiness is true and if repeated/heard enough times it will come true for them. Single mothers are always saying how they’re kids are going to be ok, how they don’t need a man, how they are happy single but like motivational speakers, its in the hope that repeating it enough they buy their own bullshit or it magically becomes true. That kind of pitiful.

With that knowledge in hand, I figured I’d easily find one motivational douche with a blog that is worthy of a Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. After puking up and swallowing back down a couple liters of bile trying to find the perfect one, I did.

Out of the tons and tons of motivational speaker blogs (I assfuck you not, there are tons and tons), I have bestowed on Wuryanano.com a Randomly Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award. Congratulations; or as they say in Indonesia after Google translates it, ‘Many super happy respects upon you’.

Yeah I found an Indonesian Zig Zeigler with a blog. Hell fuck yeah. One of my main motivation for choosing this blog over the millions of others was that this douchebag is less likely to use this award as marketing fodder. I know how those losers work: ‘turn that frown upside down’, ‘its not a problem, it’s an opportunity’, ‘if you’re gonna get raped, might as well lay back and enjoy it’, etc. If I were to give this to any English speaking piece of shit I am almost certain this post would be referenced in one of their own as an ‘educational improvement opportunity’ for them. You know those losers google their names every night hoping that just 1 more person in the world knows their name today than yesterday. If I gave an English speaking motivational dipfuck any type of recognition it would only be a matter of time before they found out that I specifically called them a douchebag, their blog shitty and their gay lover fat. And then the fucker would spin the whole thing positive, probably even thanking me for my opinion, demonstrating how their positive motivating skills helped them effectively deal with it, what they are going to do moving forward to improve everything and how you too can learn these techniques by booking them for an event.

Oh jesus, here comes the bile again.

So to avoid that all together, I am giving it to some Indonesian positive thinker fuck. But please don’t think I am an indonesianist, his blog truly is shitty. So shitty in fact when I clicked on the Translate this page link in google it brought down my Internet Explorer.

In the face of having to load another motivational speaker blog, my browser chose death instead.

Unluckily I was able to get it to load in another browser. No matter what language positive thinker drivel is in, it all sucks. Essentially the site is there to sell his ‘Super Mind’ books which teach you how to be happy and how to be successful. Oh thank god, the 826,189 books in Amazon tagged with the word ‘success’ just wasn’t cutting it.

Here’s a platitude of my own, no matter what language, nationality or how nice their suit is, never trust anyone selling god, government nor happiness.

Again, Many super happy respects upon you Wuryanano.com for your excellently shitty blog and choice of professions.

Fun With Shitty Logic

My panties get absolutely soaking wet whenever I hear someone comdem fags by saying ‘You’re not born gay’. That is the absolute best.

I was on the crapper and accidentally flipped past one of the 24-hour news channels and saw some religious nutbag spouting off about queers in Iowa again and how them getting married is worse than 9/11 squared.

Things like that just make me smile and proud that I am human. Those guys are up there with people who used the word ‘colored’, doubt the holocaust was as bad as everyone makes it out to be or domestic abuse victims who want my pity after they have been beaten up by the same person for the 11th time. They all just brings a smile to my face.

‘You’re not born gay’, god damn delicious.

That’s what I love about religion. It has so very little to do with logic but people try to appeal to it every time they talk about religion. It doesn’t matter that arguments for or against something religious makes absolutely no sense, just as long as you have those arguments and everyone agrees as to what they are suppose to support.

For example, the holy trinity is pure blasphemy. Cracks me up to listen to people try and logically defend it. First and foremost, one of the 10 commandments is that you shall only have one God. But somehow everyone who also believes that jesus and the holy ghost are divine are able to logically (in their mind) defend them both as being one and the same as god, but also different. Somehow he’s one god, but in 3 parts and those 3 parts are their separate entities, but still one god. So, you see its perfectly logical and they have avoided the hypocrisy that is their religion.

Of course their arguments are neither logical nor lead to the conclusions they want, but that’s no matter to them. They did their job and seemingly used logic to defend their ideals.

And that’s why I absolutely love why they hate fags—because you aren’t born gay. That doesn’t even make sense. Its more a non-sequitor than something to build a logical thesis on. I love it. All prejudice should be so seemingly justified.

Just for fun, let’s carry out that logical process on a few other things to determine what religious people think of them. Let’s take algebra. You don’t learn that until Junior High (if ever). Ergo, you aren’t born knowing it. Therefore it’s the devils math and people should have nothing to do with it.

How about shitting? I mean the truly pious thing would be to shit your pants for your entire lifetime, obviously its what Jesus Would have done. I mean, it takes a good 2 years to potty train kid, which means its unnatural.

You’re not born that way. God didn’t make you knowing how to crap in a commode. Hopefully you can go to some sort of Christian Reeducation camp to learn to shit your pants again and follow in the true path of god. Or at least mention it to your priest at your next confession.

Who Moved My Porn?

Here’s a weird one. I was searching for porn on the internet and accidentally stumbled upon an interesting news story. I don’t think that has ever happened in the history of man.

I remember searching for ‘manila folders’ one time and getting taken to a site with platinum blonde asians shove their own tits in their mouths (Just to be clear that’s not sexy right? Maybe I’m gay, but a girl putting her tits in her mouth is neat and all but has never gotten my dick hard. Its not a big turn on for anyone except the girl herself who is only turned on because she thinks you’re being turned on. Right? Not to sound like a 50 year old shrivled cunt jesus freak, but pornography really does have some negative effects on our culture—mainly telling the unthinking masses what to find stimulating. ‘I saw it in a porno so it has to be hot’. ‘I can’t believe there was a time when I actually had hair on my genitalia, good thing I got educated on what’s attractive by watching all those movies.’, ‘It hurst like a bitch and burns, but I have to bleach my asshole because that’s what all the stars are doing nowadays’). Then there was the time I was looking up how to cook an artichoke, got directed to a site that was probably even illegal in Thailand, and had to physically destroy my hard drive to remove the evidence of those surely illegal images.

That’s the way the internet works, not the other way around. You’re not suppose to find an article you actually want to read when you are searching for an article you actually want to read, much less when you are explicitly looking for porn.

To misparaphrase a very wise russian philosopher: The internet; what a country.

Anywho, the article, which I forgot the link to (google: ‘fat black trannies with diarrhea’ and you should get it, or maybe it was ‘little dicked redheads being sodomized by horses’, I forget), was about this dude who was deaf his whole life, but then had a surgery to give him hearing.

That has got to be a let down. Probably a lot like being adopted and searching and searching for your birth mom for 50 years, then finally finding her only to discover that she’s an illiterate, jailed crack whore with Parkinson’s.

Sure sure, hearings great for stuff like good music and intelligent conversation, but when does that happen? Most of the things my ears detect is crap or cliché.

Unfortunately that’s something you don’t start to learn until you’re 14. Slowly you start to realize that people are fucking idiots and have the same conversations day in and day out using the same phrases day in and day out and then you recognize that most people talk not even to hear themselves talk, because god knows people don’t even listen to themselves, but just so that they can talk and pretend others are listening.

So much communication is a play. Not rehearsed, but staged like a shitty improv comedy show. Ok, I say a trite cliché to you about the weather, you answer with the appropriate trite cliché in response. We both pretend to laugh, talk about the weather and how horrible they still are at predicting it. Throw in a couple stock lines about about how terrible a local sports team is and we are done. That’s the insipid play we take part in every day in this theatrical production called our boring lives.

The guy who never had hearing but just got it, is going to get a speed course in that and realize he wasn’t missing anything all along. Sort of like how everyone is topically jealous of jews at Christmas because they have 8 nights of presents, but then you find out they get crap like new yarmulkes and dradels and you don’t feel so envious.

Yeah, hearing is overrated. It looks a lot better on paper than it actually is.

Only You Can Prevent Fecal Incontinence

I know it can get discolored and AMA recommends you bleach it so you can retain that healthly vibrant asshole you had when you were 18, but what about its elactisicty? I mean we all heard, or started, that story in high school about the girl last prom who got fucked with the base of a Jack Daniels bottle and had to have her pussy medically sewn back together.

Or was that just my high school?

I mean, sure, no one believed it, but it was fun making fun of her the next school year and wishing it actually happened. However, that was the more innocent time of the early 90’s. In 2009 though, with the shit I’ve seen on the internet, I’m sure its happened. And not just vaginally.

So, I google a few things and what do I found; fecal incontinence. You can in fact ream out your asshole or at least fuck up (figuratively, in some cases via literally) your sphincter.

Now you have to read between the lines and lookup some big medical words, but the truth is, yes, you can fuck your ass up by getting your ass fucked. Oh, Wikipedia says that constipation, drugs, diet and some other things can cause your pooper to seep, but then it mentions ‘fecal impactions’ and ‘Lateral internal sphincterotomy’.

The former means your shit gets pushed in real tight and the latter is a medical procedure for fixing ‘anal fissures’ which are caused by unnatural cracks or tears in the anal cavity.

Both of which can be caused by Jack Daniels Bottleitis as I like to call it.

I Wish I Couldn’t Tell Idiots Like You To Suck My Balls

Oh its just killing you isn’t it. You know what you think the answer is and want to write me to set me straight. Well I know what you are going to say and you’re a fucking idiot too.

I told you yesterday and I will say it again today:

There’s no reason for my balls to be outside my body. None.

The bullshit answer you wholeheartedly swallowed without thinking about is a bunch of crapshit. Biologist say nuts are on the outside because they are very temperature sensitive and to produce sperm they need to be controlled by the scrotum which can keep the balls at a distance from the body and thus control their temperature.

Bull fucking shit.

Ovaries aren’t ‘temperature sensitive’ and they produce eggs. Neither is a fallopian tube which is where sperm meets egg and human life begins. I refuse to believe that the conditions necessary to spring life from combining cells from two people are less strict than that for making sperm.

Fuck you educated yet unthinking idiot.

Temperature sensitive–you’re a fucking idiot. Even if long ago they were this ‘temperature sensitive’ bullshit, then we should have evolved better testicles. Ones that weren’t temperature sensitive and needed this ghetto-rigged nutsack system to make them work.

That sounds like a solution my father would come up with rather than spending the extra $5 on new, good nuts.

Every fucking organ that doesn’t need to contact the outside world is safely tucked into my body. Got a hard as fuck skull around my brain. Rib cage around my heart and lungs. All my digestive organs are safely tucked into my abdomen and I am sure there’s enough room in there to spare. You couldn’t have just moved the huevos up and inside me? My worthless appendix is doing nothing but taking up space. Got yards of intestines that I am sure I wouldn’t have missed a couple inches of. My nads could have fit.

But no, my balls are on the outside for the world to take aim at. I wish I would have saved the receipt because I want my money back.

My External Genitalia Can Kiss My Ass

I really need to bring a book into the bathroom. Or remember to grab the remote. Or maybe bring a sandwich in there with me. Everytime I shit and get bored, like any normal person would, I start gazing admiringly at my amazing cock. Then I just end up getting pissed.

First circumcision, now this.

There’s no reason why my testicles should be on the outside of my body. None. Now, don’t give me that old cliched answer that you just accepted as fact without rubbing against your two brain cells to make sure it made even a little sense.

There’s no reason for my balls to be outside my body. None.

Testicles on the outside of my body. Who’s the dumb motherfucker who did that?
Charles Darwin, you’re a fucking idiot.

You Can’t Buy Dignity, But You Can Sell It

Although I’m not speaking through a trach tube and using phrases like ‘pert near’, I know I am sounding like my grandfather when I say: Things sure were better back in the good ole days.

Remember when a loaf of bread cost one third a pile of dirt? Slide rules were 40 cents a dozen? White babies cost one greenback on the black market? Manhattan could be had for 15 shiny beads and a bottle of NightTrain? You could hop over the border and see a lady suck off a donkey for a couple hundred pesos? Michael Jackson and Billy Mays were alive? You could blog about abortion for about 8 bits? And people used ‘bits’ as a unit of currency?

Yup, things sure were better, cheaper and more awesomer then. And by then, I mean 3 weeks ago. That’s when bloggerabortion.com sold for 99 cents on Ebay.

Not any more. Those halcyon days of your have passed. That was pre 6/22. That’s when everything changed. The world’s a different place than it was in June. Somewhere we lost our innocence and got thrust into this new world.

As you won’t recall, I was bitching about domain squatters for some reason, found out bloggerabortion.com was being squatted and sent an email to the guy who’s squatting it. I wanted to find out what the going rate was for bloggerabortion.com and if domain squatting paid the bills.

Medium length story short, $159 and yes.

He didn’t want to talk much. Not because he’s ashamed of his vocation, but afraid of others trying to learn how to do it. He thought I was trying to start my own domain squatting empire and was leery of giving me any tips on how to more effectively be a worthless drain on the internet.

Despite my reassurances, he wouldn’t answer too many questions other than to say, yes it is lucrative, easy and to make sure I really didn’t want bloggerabrotion.com for $159.

Feel free to ask him yourself or make a bid for that highly coveted domain by emailing tamaracped@msn.com.

Is It Poop Yet? Is It Poop Yet? Is It Poop Yet?

Ok, life begins at conception. I am with you on that. Doesn’t mean I’m not for killing babies. Just saying I agree with you about when life initiates. Sperm enters egg. That’s black, and white, its definitive, its objective.

Life is an easy one. Here’s a philosophical brain buster for you Mr. Theologian, when does food end and poop begin? When does shit officially become shit? My rectum? Intestines somewhere? Stomach? Esophagus? As soon as you accept the bag from the Arby’s drive-thru? Where is the first place that the stuff that eventually comes out my ass can be called poop?

Answer me that Confucius.

Let’s analyze this scientifically.

No wait. I think semantically would be better.

As demonstrated before, we have tons of words for poop. Once its out our asses we can’t think of enough things to call it. As we speak a team of English doctorates are dreaming up of new synonyms for shit so future generations won’t be stuck using the same 40 words we have for crap. But when is the first time you can accurately describe the matter as shit?

Before it hits my lips its called food. In my mouth its still food. Once I chew it into a lump its called bolus. Going down my esophagus and when it first hits my stomach, its still bolus. Then the magic happens.

The bolus is turned into chyme and sent to my duodenum. Getting close. Its still not shit yet, but you can smell it from here.

So you have this lump of chyme in your small intestines. Peristalsis is slowly working this lump of what used to be food through you. What is chyme you ask? It’s a delicious mixture of chyle (nutrients) and shit. Getting really close.

After your small intestines extracts the chyle, what is left can officially be called poop, crap, turds, feces, doo doo, guano or any of the other million words for it.

There you have it, cold hard semantic proof. Life begins at conception and shit begins at small intestinal digestion.

Squatting, The Morally Shitty Kind

In domain squatting, like anything in the real world, you can’t take on big business. If they were still available and you somehow beat Coke to coke.com, ford to ford.com or The National Arbor Day Foundation Assholes to arborday.org, you wouldn’t make a cent. You’d probably lose money on the deal.

But you can squat and shit all over domains that are named for causes, average people and interests people have and might want to make a site for.

And assfucks do.

Assfucks like those who control bloggerabortion.com. That’s the best. And when I say ‘best’, I mean ‘awesome’, domain that I have found squatted. I mean really? That’s such prime internet real-estate that you need to kidnap it and hold it for ransom? Blogging and abortion just scream ‘big money’, those are some people with deep pockets.

You’re really expecting to get some crazy pro-lifer to pay $2 million dollars for that cash cow url? That’s up there with genius ideas like scalping pre-season, minor league women’s basketball tickets. Or patenting blue cheese flavored soda so no one else can make it. Or marrying a mean, fat ugly bitch with herpes so you never get cheated on.

The next best, and when I say ‘best’ I mean ‘worst’, thing is that when you go to it has no pretense of being anything but a squatted domain. It has nothing to do with abortion, just a ton of ads including a couple from Godaddy.com that touts their complicity in domain squatting. They are advertising how great a service they are when you need to domain squat, which makes Godaddy a parasitic leech on parasitic leeches on society.

I wonder if I can find a company that brags about how great its ivory handled, baby seal clubber is?