porkjerky plogShit I Crap On
All Pooped Out
I have an absolutely irrational fear. Far more frightful than my fear of popular success. Luckily this ultimate fear of mine has a zero chance of happening. It still keeps me up at night though. I am totally terrified, even speaking about it makes me cringe, that somehow, someway something I say or do will […]
Bob Sagetitis
I have an absolutely rational fear. My penultimate fear in life is that something I create will be universally loved. Oh jesus, I don’t know if I could handle that. I don’t like people and the thought of creating something that every single one of you sons a bitches likes all at the same time […]
Fuck Abortions, Will The Government Cover My Butthole?
What problems do you get with your asshole from old age? Loose Anus Syndrome? Soupy Bowel Condition? Wrinkled Brown Eye Spots? Sphincter Parkinsons? What’s in store for my pooper? Anything I can do to increase the mileage on it? I don’t want to sound like one of these new age, yoga posing health nuts, but […]
Raising Ignorance About Awareness
You know what I could live a day without: Being made aware of shit I know about. Autims exists? No fucking way. So does Cervical Cancer? And Alzheimer’s? You’ve got to be shitting me. Next thing you know you’ll be trying to convince me that non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, Asperger’s and child abuse all occur. Holy shit, […]
It’s Saying ‘It’s The Thought That Counts’ That Counts
Nothing says, ‘Our culture requires that I get you a gift, but I had no fucking idea and didn’t want to waste any of my precious time giving you a meaningful one’ like a gift card. I love them. They are so awesome. Now, you still need to know a little about the person. Whereas […]
The Ouchy Pooper 3000
A couple days ago I became mystified at why Kohler would have about 150 different flavors of commodes. Obviously our collective shitting needs are so diverse, our crapping styles so distinguishable, our pooping so profitable that toilet companies are able to target their wares to each of us so specifically that they needed to offer […]
More Toilets Than You Can Shake Your Ass At
3 tops right? Maybe 5. Well, there’s California and they probably have some hippie faggot rules to limit how much water they can use, so 7. That’s seems right. Then just for a margin of error, lets multiply that by 1.5 and round up. So 11. At most, in the United States I am guessing […]
Laziness Rewarded
Its finally here. Todays the day. Its that special time of year again. The time when lazy fucks all around the country stay in their recliners and give thanks for the holiday season that is upon us. Today is their favorite holiday. That’s right, Thanksgiving marks the day when their sloth and apathy finally get […]
Do It Yourself Fuck Video Tips
Homemade pornography videos are like car wrecks to me. I can’t turn away. Never, absolutely never are the people engaged in it attractive. The camera work sucks. Quality and lighting is abysmal. Often action occurs out of frame. It never gives me a boner, but for the life of me I am addicted to homemade […]
No Harm In Asking
Whenever I hear someone say ‘Well, there was no harm in asking.’, I immediately kick them in the balls, poke them in the eyes, steal their wallet, shit on them, decapitate their pets and sodomize to death everyone who claims to be their friend or family. Usually, as they are writhing in pain, begging me […]
