porkjerky plogMetafeces
Peek-A-Poo, I See You
I love seeing things that let me see how creatures really live. Like nature documentaries. Well not love, but mesmerized is a better word. I don’t go out of my way, set the TIVO I don’t have to record certain ones, get my vagina all slimey in anticipation of shark week and plan my days […]
Status Quo Poo
Good news, turns out not only was I wrong about my shit being a telltale sign that I have the pestilence du jour, but that shit wasn’t actually fresh. I forgot to immediately take a picture and ambled off to do whatever it is I do in that post-shitting, euphoria induced state we all get […]
Just My Luck
I thought that was just another of my grandfather’s boring WWII sayings. Like, ‘as the crow flies’ or ‘pert-near’ or ‘and if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass when it hops’ or ‘built like a brick shit house’ or ‘tell anyone what I made you do and I will fucking kill you. […]
Lyrics To A Simpler Time
In my teens, I once crapped in a paper bag The ingredients of a great prank I had Toss, burn, smear, and/or bake A choice I couldn’t make And, that’s why, today, my attic smells so bad.
The Poop Paradox
Not to get all metaphiloshitical on you, but what is a turd? Are there 4 pieces of crap in the toilet? Or just one? If 4, then who’s to stop me from breaking those turds down into further turds? Don’t fucking dare me. If you look closely you will see each of the four dooks […]
Revenge, Best Served Steaming
I went to the zoo to see the ape pit Chimp, I don’t like what your tossing one bit I crapped in my hand Took aim, wound up and In his mouth. Damn dirty Ape ate my shit.
The Case Of The Unexplained Pubes
I know I know. This is where you tell me ‘I told you so.’ It was a grandiose plan and I admit that. In hindsight I guess you could say my eyes were bigger than my asshole. In my heart I believed I could do it: Blog for one year about all my shit. I […]
Palette Pleasing Crap
Dogs’ senses of smell are estimated at about 1,000-10,000 times better than that of humans. It all depends on the dog, the human and what you define as a smell. Since we are the lesser species in this comparison, its really hard to specifically estimate how much better they are because we will never have […]
For My Own Good
An abusive turd was in my patootie A bad relationship, me and that doodie It scratched, scraped and clawed I grimaced and bawled It said it only did that cause it loved me.
I Ate That?
Whoa, holy shit when did I eat that? Look at that. Jesus Christ, how’d that get in there. I don’t remember that at all. That just doesn’t make sense. Wait a minute. Oh wait. Maybe…Ok Ok, now it makes sense. Yeah, that’s right. I had a midnight snack that consisted of turds. That’s why that’s […]
