porkjerky plogAuthor Archive
Eureka
As I was crapping today, racking my brain as to what I was going to write, inspiration about inspiration struck. When it comes to inspiration, sunsets on tropical islands and newborn babies have nothing on staring at the linoleum while pounding out last night’s dinner. How many revolutionary ideas have been first conceived while pooping? […]
A Winter Cleaning Ditty
My yard has a year’s worth of dog feces That’s why I love when the weather freezes Picking up turds Is for the birds I just stomp frozen dog shit to pieces.
Retardly Awesome
I love, absolutely love the BCS system and will stick you, your fat wife and your children with a prison shank if you even think of saying something remotely derogatory about it. Like most things I love, its because its so horrible. Those pro-life nuts may be crazy fucks, but they are right, abortion is […]
The Ouchy Pooper 3000
A couple days ago I became mystified at why Kohler would have about 150 different flavors of commodes. Obviously our collective shitting needs are so diverse, our crapping styles so distinguishable, our pooping so profitable that toilet companies are able to target their wares to each of us so specifically that they needed to offer […]
6 Degrees Of Smoke Up Your Ass
You ever Wikipedia surf? Just throw caution to the wind and start with one article on Wikipedia and just go where the links take you? Before you know it you’ve learned a little something about Mt. Kilimanjaro, oral sex, the Pythagorean thereom, ectopic pregnancies, Pete Rose, egg recipes, and the Legislature of Chile. Possibly, in […]
You Throw And Blog Like A Girl
Now, I’m not here to pass judgement on anyone, but jesus fucking christ almighty there are a lot of fucking idiots who should die painful deaths out there. Its December 2009, the regular season for baseball ended in early October. The World Series ended about a month ago. All the awards have been given out […]
Look Ma I Made It
Everyone dreams of somehow seeing their name in lights. Fuck that. After 334 days, I finally get to see my name in shit. I didn’t think I was going to make it. Sure, sure I crapped a trapezoid, pooped an arrow, but I thought my name in turds was just a pipe dream. Something only […]
More Toilets Than You Can Shake Your Ass At
3 tops right? Maybe 5. Well, there’s California and they probably have some hippie faggot rules to limit how much water they can use, so 7. That’s seems right. Then just for a margin of error, lets multiply that by 1.5 and round up. So 11. At most, in the United States I am guessing […]
The Secret Of My Excitebike Success
By my calculations, which are gospel by the way, people have been shitting for roughly 500,000 million years. That’s more than enough time to get good at something. In 1986 I played Excitebike for like 4 hours a day for 6 months. FYI, I got pretty fucking good. There wasn’t a trick or track I […]
This Is Not A Test
Wake the fuck up. There’s cheap worthless shit you need to buy. Wake the fuck up. Jesus Christ are you a communist? Why do you hate America? Don’t let the terrorist continue to win, get out there and rationalize buying shit you don’t need by its price compared to what it was and will be. […]
