porkjerky plogAuthor Archive
Ballad Of The Lazy Bather
I was in the shower and couldn’t wait Getting out to use the toilet—I hate As I shampooed my hair I relieved myself there Then stomped and mashed that huge turd down the grate.
The Revolution Begins
After a long day of crying, cutting my arms, pushing down old ladies at the grocery store, setting out pools of anti-freeze at the dog park and just generally trying to console myself after finding out my ingenious idea of methodically hunting down and ritualistically killing every blogger on Blogger wouldn’t work to clean up […]
The Blogs That Wouldn’t Die
Motherfucker damn it shit cock piss whore. This is why I will never go on a horrendous mass killing spree. You can’t spend months and years, wondering if McDonald’s is the right hamburger joint to shoot up, planning what day to do it on, researching what caliber machine gun to use, contemplating if breakfast or […]
Award Winning Worthlessness
I’ve explained the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man Shitty Blog Theory before: if you can imagine a shitty blog—it’s already been created. Here’s a quick example off the top of my head: a blog about vegan pets. It’s so shitty I am certain something like it exists. And 15 seconds later, I found that it does: […]
Baby, I Know You Only Lie And Hit Me Because You Love Me
Now I know what a battered wife feels like. I’m hurt, pissed, vengeful and above all, I’ve fallen deeper in love with them the shittier they treat me. A few weeks ago I mailed (via the U.S. Post Office–we really need a better term than ‘snail mail’ for this) about 35 letters offering various educational […]
Happy Holidays
Site down for the holiday.
Happy 9/11 Eve
There’s no such thing as an innocent victim in America. It’s right there in the fine print of your social contract. Now notice I am using the phrase ’in theory’ in the next sentence, so don’t get your big, Liberterian hemp panties in a bunch. In theory, America is a democracy. ‘Of the people […]
One Giant Crap For Mankind
You ever think as a young boy Neil Armstrong looked up into the night sky, held his thumb next to the moon, squinted and dreamed of being the first person to take a dump up there? I like to think so. Now it’s true the Russians beat us into shitting in space with Vostok 3 […]
Teach Them Well And Let Them Lead The Way
Saw another member of the Tribal Arm Band Tattoo Tribe this weekend. Call me a romantic, but nothing, not even the most beautiful bride in the most beautiful wedding dress can ever come as close to being as attractive as a woman in a maternity cocktail waitress dress. I am certain ‘elastic’ is Latin for […]
The Death Of Capitalism
We are getting close to the commemoration of the travesty that happened to the American way of life in September 2001. No not that one, the real one. It was after the planes hit on September 11th, it was when every gas station jacked up their prices immediately and started charging 4 dollars more per […]
