Butt Junkie

If I ever start to do drugs I’m jumping past all those pussy highs and going straight to heroin. It has to be awesome. Its transported via ass. I mean, if people go through that much trouble and ick to get some, that’s got to be good shit. Right?

Any drug a person would meticulously put in a balloon, cover in Crisco, swallow and shit out after they get through customs is the drug for me. Like a restaurant 2 hours out of town and with a 4 hour wait when you get there–the difficulty of it makes you want it even more.

Heroin, The Only Ass Couriered Drug

The barrier for getting pot is ridiculously low–in high school some of the stupider kids actually grew it. Getting prescription pills isn’t much harder–just walk into your great grandmother’s hospice and snag her pills as she writhes in pain. Ecstasy and acid are passed out in middle school now. Mushrooms literally grow in crap. But heroin, heroin is so good and exclusive people have to use their digestive track as a delivery vehicle.

I’m sold.

Who was the first drug mule? I mean that was beyond intelligent. Despite what Nancy Reagan may think, that guy was a genius.

Ok, how about we put it the smack in plastic bags tape it behind my knees, in my ass crack and in my arm pits? And I just walk through customs. What could go wrong?

I don’t know, suppose a bag tears, they have drug dogs, or the tape doesn’t hold? There’s so much that could go wrong.

Ok. Ok… Well, lets see. Let’s see…. Oh shit I got it. We will pack it into balloons and I will either swallow them or lube up my ass and stick them directly up there. Then when its safe I simply shit the balloons out and bam there’s our heroin. Easy peasy mac and cheesy.

People go through so much trouble to get high from it, its got to be good. Disregarding the asshole courier method, you still have to climb huge hurdles to get high off the shit. There’s spoons to boil it on. You have to tie off your arm to get a vein. You have to know how to use a needle. You have to know what and to cook it with.

It’s so difficult to do, it just has to be mind-fucking awesome. Nothing can come close to it, unless they invent a drug that requires addicts to crack open new born baby’s skulls, dig through their brains, use paint thinner to lace it with and then take a hypodermic needles to inject the shit directly into their pupils. Until then, heroin is the gold standard for me.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.

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If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then drown the motherfuckers in their own shit.