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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

What Would Jesus Wipe With?

If some shady archaeologist offers to sell you a shit stained papyrus and tells you Jesus wiped his ass with it, it’s a scam. There is no T.P. of Turin.

In researching my latest doctoral thesis du jour, this one covering wiping our assholes, I came to learn that we didn’t always use toilet paper. The first documented instance of toilet paper was recorded in the 5th century A.D.. The first commercially available toilet paper wasn’t available in the United states until 1857.

That means people used a lot of other things to wipe their asses with, especially those born before 500 A.D. (I’m looking at you Christ). Things like wool, which makes sense, but shearing a sheep for every dump you took had to be a pain. Understandable as well are leaves. Also, animal furs, but how? Did they just have a cage full of rabbits next to the shitter and you snapped the neck of one after every crap? Wikipedia also says poor people used sand. Really? I got a grain of sand in my eye once and it scratched my cornea to shit. On accident, I once sand belted 7 of my finger tips off. I don’t imagine sand as something I want to rub on my sphincter.

The coup de grace though is corn cobs. Maybe that’s just some vandalism to the article, because I can’t imagine using a corn cob to clean my ass. Unless of course it was an uneaten cob of corn on my sister’s plate and she had just run to tell my parent’s I had given my meatloaf to the dog again. I still owe you bitch.

Other than that scenario, it’s got to be bullshit. It doesn’t even make sense. I live in the heartland of America, I’ve seen corn stalks. Of all the material that a stalk of corn produces the cob would be the last thing I would use to wipe my non-vengeful ass. There’s corn silk—soft, smooth. There’s the husk—paper-like, not too rough. The stalk itself is even probably a lot smoother and softer than the cob.

Plus, isn’t it unkosher to mix food like that? I mean a cheeseburger is unkempt because it mixes the meat of a cow with its milk. A chicken sandwich with mayonnaise is not kosher because it mixes eggs and chicken meat. Surely using a corn cob to clean your cornhole can’t be ok according to Judaic law?

Then again, fuck the jews, not only don’t they believe the son of god never wiped his ass with corn cobs, they don’t even believe his ass existed to be wiped. Blasphemers.

How would that even work. You put it in your ass and work it around in a clockwise motion (counter-clocwise for lefties) and just ground the shit into submission? A corn cob; even a quilted, 2-ply corn cob doesn’t seem to be the most absorbent material.

It so stupid it has to be true.

You know what? Its so stupid I think I’ve actually talked myself past the point of disgust and into intrigue. I am half-tempted to try and wipe my ass with a corn cob now.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.