The Turd’s Prayer

Dear lord in heaven,

Creator of all, provider of everything, giver of life and with whom I shall spend eternal bliss, I ask you to please hear my prayer today and allow this enormous turd to finally exit this vessel of a body that you have been kind of enough to bless me with.

Oh Father, with your infinite wisdom and boundless compassion, please do not allow it to rip my sphincter in two as I fear it is doing. Nor let my straining while I do thy bidding to prolapse my rectum or fissure my anus.

Finally, my Lord, if it is your will that this boulder of a turd stretch my hither parts to their limit to test my belief and commitment to you, I shall succeed. There is no feat too painful that would ever cause me to question my faith in you. All I ask is at the end of my gastrointestinal tribulation, once I have endured this pain to prove myself to you, that no permanent reaming of my posterior carry on with me as I continue to do your work with my life in the future.

In jesus’ name, amen.