porkjerky plogArchive for October, 2009
Do You Like Pina Coladas?
Fuck you and your intellectual uppitiness. I unapologetically and without embarrassment love reality TV shows. Double fuck you to all you pretentious fucks who claim to not watch TV at all. I even love the obviously scripted reality shows—I can suspend my disbelief like nobody’s business. There’s something about knowing that people’s actions don’t exist […]
The Blogs No One Wanted Custody Of
In honor of my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary (no fucking shit—unfortunately this means I won’t be able to use the I-was-from-a-broken-so-go-easy-on-me speech when they are sentencing me), I am doing something they should have done a long time ago: Celebrate divorce. In my quest to find an award worthy shitty blog about divorce, I stumbled […]
Revenge, A Dish Best Served After 26 Of Suffering
Today’s winner of the Porkjerky.com Periodical Shitty Blog Award reminds me of that time I was using the pedestrian bridge to cross over the interstate on my bike and the cops had it and the interstate closed because some nutbag was threatening to commit suicide off of it. I did what any rational person who […]
The Reverse Singularity
What percentage of the population do you think, has worn a concert T-shirt bought at said concert? My initial thought was the low to mid teens: 1 in 8, 1 in 6 people, right? But then I remembered something very insightful I once heard: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! I JUST LOVE DAVID COOK. OH I […]
Crapnormous
Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Mohammed. That turd’s so huge I don’t know if its coming or going. A good 4 inches of it is dry docked up against the bowl. And god knows how many inches are snaked through the interior plumbing of my house. It took some creative lighting, a step stool, someone to […]
What A Load Of Tits
You know what I am tired of being made aware of? Breast cancer. Lord almighty, fuck. We get it. Breast cancer’s bad. Its caused more deaths than everything else combined. 13 out of 10 women over the age of 40 will die from it at least once in their lives. We need to give a […]
Fuck Empathy
What’s your blood type? Because I think I need an empathy transfusion. Maybe the gland in my body responsible for producing and regulating it is out of whack. Perhaps those years of violent sodomy at the abusive orphanage I was raised did effect me. Or maybe, just maybe, hear me out on this, maybe its […]
The Nomenclature Of Lovemaking
Kids today. They just throw out terms to be cool. Misusing them however they feel. For ‘shock value’ if you will. They have no regard for the historical context and underlying tomes of how and why certain phrases were introduced into the lexicon. Certain phrases were first coined so that specific feelings, ideas and actions […]
The Turkey Baster Tribulations
Oh my god I was so blind. They aren’t completely vapid. Blogs aren’t as worthless as tits on a retard. They are as fun as tits on a retard. It’s all about perspective. I couldn’t see the pussy for the vulva. Today though, I was able to take a step back and finally realize the […]
Not Retarded Enough
Can retards recognize one another? And do they size one another up to see whose retardeder? Now, I’ve unfortunately meet a few retards. And I am talking grade A, USDA certified, literal retard not the everyday cut me off in traffic, blue tooth ear piece wearing, clove cigarette smoking figurative retards that permeate life. I […]
