Opening Day

Oh yeah, it’s a good day to be pounding some porcelain. Let’s put in a good workout today team.

I know I know, I like to jump ass first onto the toilet like everyone else, but we need to properly warm up. I don’t want to see any prolapsed rectums or burst hemorrhoids out there today. So we’re taking a couple minutes and stretching out the right way.

Come on guys you got to want it to shit it.

When we really dig down, put our hearts into it and crap out the best turds we are all capable of, I know that nothing can stop us. So, let’s get in those Johns and show them how its done. Are you with me? Aww come on, I can’t hear you. Are you with me?

God damn it Tim, you’re just going through the motions in there. I need you to pull your head out of your ass and get your head into your ass. Focus damn it, really concentrate. Show me something.

One turd at a time guys. Focus on what’s at hand, don’t get ahead of yourselves. One turd at a time guys. One turd at a time.

Looking good in there Tony. Squat and fire my man. Squat and fire.

Come on guys, we are working on fundamentals today. I don’t want to see nothing fancy on those commodes. No Cincinnati swirls, no Double Pincher Rebounds, no fancy wiping, not even a two-finger flick—just solid fundamental shitting.

Shake it off Sally. Chin up. I know you had a bad day on the shitter today, but let’s use today’s crap as a learning experience and build on it for tomorrow.

Good job out there today, now lets hit the bidets.