Sibling Rivalry

Let me tell you pricks something, I’m just as good a choice, if not a better one, to take, throw in your trunk, drive me across the border to a deserted barn and have your way with sexually. You’re really being shortsighted in your choice here.

I mean really, my 3 year old brother is a better potential victim than me? Come on look at me, don’t I just scream ‘Abduct me, bludgeon me to death and leave my corpse in a shallow grave?’ I don’t know how you guys don’t see it.

Frankly, I’m not mad, just disappointed in you. You call yourselves kidnappers and you pass me over for my 3 year old brother. Jesus Christ, you guys will never make it as kidnappers, that’s for damn sure. This is bush league kidnapper bullshit is what it is. Obviously you guys didn’t think this through entirely. Its fucking amateur hour kidnapper time.

Look at me; my face was made for a milk carton and an amber alert. Your messing with destiny on this one. I would have been an awesome abductee too. But now, I guess you’ll never find out. You know, fuck you. I can do better than you guys anyway. When I get kidnapped its gonna be by real kidnappers not you poser wannabees.

Seriously my brother and not me? I’m not gonna lie that hurts. All I am saying is before you roll him up in that carpet and throw him in your blue Hyundai, think this through and give me one good reason its not me. See look, I know the make and color of car, you can’t, in good conscious, leave me here. You’ve definitely have to immobilize me with duct tape, trhow me in your back seat and cover me with a blanket. Its just common sense.

Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to kidnap, but think this thing through. Give me a shot, you won’t be disappointed.

Please? Aww come one.