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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Peek-A-Poo, I See You

I love seeing things that let me see how creatures really live.

Like nature documentaries. Well not love, but mesmerized is a better word. I don’t go out of my way, set the TIVO I don’t have to record certain ones, get my vagina all slimey in anticipation of shark week and plan my days around watching National Geographic. But when I flip around and one’s on, I’m there until it’s done. No matter how stupid the subject.

I love seeing things I have never seen before.

Hubble Telescope photos, Jackass, surgical photos, gay porn–Not a huge porn freak–Not a huge fag. But I am absolutely mesmerized by dudes banging each other. Its like looking at the stars and trying to comprehend the universe. Oh you can see all the celestial bodies, understand physics, but once you actually see a clear starry night or a guy getting rammed in his shitter you just stare in awe and can’t get your mind around it.

I love seeing things I am not suppose to see.

Car wrecks and domestic disputes are my favorite. Its my god given right to derive entertainment from anything that happens in a public place. And god damn it, I exert that right. The more awkward or taboo the situation, the better. Like the time the couple at Popeye’s were negotiating what to get for dinner and one adamantly wanted mashed potatoes and the other adamantly wanted red beans and rice. That was all the the catalyst their fragile relationship needed for a blow up. Him, her and me were the only ones not embarrassed by their huge and almost violent fight. Ever other customer silently backed away, exited and went to KFC. I stepped closer and learned how how little his dick was, how she needed to lose 25 pounds, how his mother was a nosy whore, how she was glad she fucked his best friend 4 years before they met and how they were both through with each others bullshit once and for all.

FYI: they each got their own side item.

So, it is with great joy and pride and a little shame, that I saw the ultimate sight in life. It was something that I wasn’t suppose to see, had never seen before and involved how creatures really live. I saw other humans shitting in public. It was awesome–better than a gay water buffalo porno where they stop in the middle and have a fight….Actually now that I write that, and actually envision it, I would pay top dollar to see 2 water buffalo buttfucking each other then fight it out. Work in images from outer space and Johny Knoxville and you’ve got my life savings.

Let’s not get distracted, the important thing is I saw the penultimate site when I saw people shitting in public. I hope you caught the part where I used the plural form of ‘person’. I didn’t just see one, I saw multiple people shitting.

In public.

Awesome.

2 weeks ago I ran the Boston Marathon (I know–I told you I wasn’t huge fag, just a little I guess). Prior to the race, whether it was from nerves, bad chowder or some sick fetish were people wanted to have me see them shit then run 26.2 miles, I saw multiple people go near a wooded area, drop their pants and pinch one off. I use ‘pinch’ one off as a figure of speech not a literal description. Because of the nerves or bad chowder, there was nothing to pinch, more accurately, they gooed one out.

So, long story short, I crossed 2 things off my life’s to-do list: Run a marathon and watch people I don’t know shit. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, until you have seen another human drop their pants, crouch real low to the ground in an misguided attempt for some privacy/dignity and then expel a turd from their body, you have lived a sheltered life.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.