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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

The Speed Of Shit

Good news boys and girls, its time for another edition of the shitty applications of science. Today’s subject: the speed of shit.

Is it faster than a speeding bullet? Quicker than a (insert your favorite ethnic slur here) in a (insert place that ethnicity doesn’t like to be)? More speedy than a bolt of lightning, clap of thunder or a blink of an eye?

Probably not, let’s do the math.

Now, don’t let my anomalistic cock and brain fool, nor depress you; physiologically, I am pretty average: 145lbs, 5’9 and I’m good for a crap a day (excluding the sabbath of course) like clock work.

Our old friend Wikipedia tells us that the average small intestines of humans are about 6.5 meters long. Which, since we aren’t snooty, socialistic gay Europeans, means we have about 21.3 feet of them. Meters? Give me a break. Get with the real world wikipedia. Real men who love jesus, don’t rape children and hate terrorist use feet.

It also says (sic) we have 5 feet of large intestines. Add another 2.5 feet for my mouth, esphogus, throat and stomach and then another 1.2 feet for my rectum, vulva, duodenum, prolapsed anus and Ursa minor.

That means all told, from food to turd, that material must travel about 25 feet. And it does it in 24 hours. That makes the speed of shit:

.002 miles per hour

Now for your homework: If my turd leaves New York at 12:00 am on 1/1/2000 and heads in a straight line path for Los Angeles, then I get on a plane, fly to Los Angles and crap out another one heading in a straight line path for New York exactly 24 hours later, how awesome would that be?

Be sure to show your work.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.