porkjerky plogHow Would Jesus Crap?
As much as I bitch, the web is still awesome for certain things that were eye-gougingly, ball stompingly, boring back in the day. For example, bible research. Suppose, oh I don’t know, maybe, perhaps you wanted to find out how the Bible dealt with certain subjects. Perhaps, maybe, oh I don’t know, lets pick one at random, how about — shit?
Back in the pre-computer dark ages, to find that information you would have had to either read the bible yourself or talk to someone who had. Neither were/are attractive solutions. Today though, thank the good lord Allah above, I just google ‘poop in the bible’ and get a listing of passages that reference shitting, then head over to one of the many bible passage lookup sites and I am soon marveling at how the good book is peppered with poo.
Eating it
Isaiah 36:12
But the commander replied, “Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the men sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own filth and drink their own urine?”
Using It To Cook With
Ezekiel 4:12-15
Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” The LORD said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.” Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign LORD! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No unclean meat has ever entered my mouth.”
“Very well,” he said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement.”
Using It To Punish
Malachi 2:3-5
“Because of you I will rebuke your descendants; I will spread on your faces the waste from your festival sacrifices, and you will be carried off with it.
Doing It Correctly So God Doesn’t Step In It
Deuteronomy 23:12-14
Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.
You get a few beers in him, and that god guy really tells some great stories. A little crass and overly preach in some places, but overall, a pretty good storyteller.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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I think you might even be a tad bit more warped than I am.