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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

The Turd That Got Away

Oh man that pisses me off. Here I am working my duodenum off trying to expel this monstrous turd from my ass in one piece and it goes and does that.

We’ve all been there right? Slowly pushing, keeping your asshole loose and limber. Slowly pushing, slowly pushing, letting the turd gently glide out. Don’t rush it. Can’t force it. Just get it going and ride the wave. Let it glide out your asshole on its own. Don’t be a hero.

You can’t help it and glance at your watch and realize you have been working on this piece of shit for 4 minutes and 26 seconds. With all you’re might you resist the urge to freak out, clench your ass and cut it in two. Don’t want to do that. Stay calm, stay cool, act like you’ve been here before.

Slowly pushing, let the turd do the work and keeping your mind on your asshole. You take your eye of the prize for one second and your sphincter cuts your turd in two and then all this would be for naught. Gotta be patient.

So, I finally do it, after around 6 minutes and 12 seconds (but who was counting?) the last of that moby dick of a dookie splashes down—well it was so huge, it didn’t splash, it simply eased into the water. I quickly rummaged through the drawer to find the tape measure I keep for just this occasion, start to wipe, look down and realize I can’t measure it.

Unfortunatley, my aim was too good and my crap to huge. When I first started crapping my asshole must have been perfectly lined up with the drain hole at the bottom because my shit went straight down. As you will see in the photo, its like a sea monster living in a cave at the bottom of my toilet.

So while I am sure this set a new world record for length, there is no way to accurately measure it because its stuck in the bowels of my toilet. I try and dig it out to measure it and I probably break it. Its so huge its probably filled up the entire p-trap in the toilet. Cursed by my own hubris again.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.