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Surprisingly, No, It Isn't that Great
To Always Be Right
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As evidenced by the mere fact that I can string together a webpage and get it on the internet, I am obviously a genius and the foremost authority on anything that I say. While I bide my time until you dumb fuckers crucify me and I ascend into heaven, I have decided to allow you in on a few secrets of life. Of course, just like a drooling retard who can't understand why his hand blisters each time he sticks it on the stove, I don't hold much hope for you cocksuckers learning anything no matter how many pictures I use. 
Hey honey. Tonight, shave that crooked cunt of yours because in a week I'm fucking you 13 ways to Albuquerque. And filming it. Your stubbly snatch, my puny prick, the cat's filled litter box in the background; stretch marks, gray hairs and ass pimples as far as the eye can see; our soon to be enormous audience is gonna love it all. Come on people. Let's start following a few tips and stop making the same mistakes our forefathers made while they taped themselves cornholing our foremothers.
The true story of how I saved a dude's life. Probably.
Think you've crapped more than a mile of turds this decade? Ever wonder how many basketballs worth of shit your grandmother filled in her lifetime? Would you wager the over or the under on Jesus crapping 3 tons during his time on earth? And most importantly, if you carefully stacked all the turds that ever came out your butt, how high up the Sears Tower eould they go?
At least 31 times every October I come 5 seconds away from ripping some cunt's tits off and shoving them down her throat to shut her up when she spouts off some incorrect, bullshit breast cancer awareness propaganda. Click above to learn everything you need to know about breast cancer over awareness, including this medical fact: Out of 100 women, only 2.8 more will die from breast cancer than testicular cancer.. Suck my balls you lying whores.
Our Fuck Anthology is nearing completion. Soon there will be no more porn left to make. Bald lesbians 69ing? Geriatric piss porn? Parapalegic hermaphrodite blowing a dog? Balding redhead with a shitty website jerking his micro-penis while crying? Oh, its probably out there. See for yourself.
Everything? Yes, everything you deaf cocksucker. Marijuana, homosexuality, not eating your vegetables, pre-marital sex. Whatever you want to learn about you can select it from a list, see what proven scientific studies have concluded about it and view a slideshow about what will occur if you don't follow my advice. And if a specific topic isn't covered, you can fill in a couple blanks and create your own truth.
How long are you going to let these parasitic angels called hunger programs suck money out of you in the name of 'Ending Hunger'? And how long do these opportunistic saints need to do it? You need to wise up and realize that these noble motherfuckers will never end it; lest they'd be out of jobs. Let's get started bringing these altruistic assholes down.
Remember that one election when you followed every candidate, analyzed every debate, poured over the fiscal implications of every ballot initiative, spent countless hours researching the correct decision for each and every item you got to vote on and then your one measely vote was cancelled out by some homeless drunk who accidentally submitted a ballot because he was mistook the polling place for a Hanoi whore house? Of course not, there are so many fundamental errors in that previous sentence that it barely makes sense. Click above to find out why you need to let those ass-sucking politicians and burn out pop stars know that you're not buying their bullshit about voting. 
I wasn't fucking kidding, you really can unregister to vote. And I did. The above link shows what I sent and received from my Secretary of State in my quest to fulfill my patriotic duty and become an unregistered voter. My actual, and our forefathers, are so proud.
Kick your fat ass's ass with this incredibly simple weight loss program. While it is a 100% effective and free, this program isn't for the faint of heart, fatted of ass or shit for brains. Included in it is a slide show of my battle, a calculator to determine if the program will work for you and the only online exercise machine that let's you burn calories while you surf the web.
With my guidance you will no longer have to whore yourself out at every truckstop, gun show or AA meeting just to make ends meet. With the Porkjerky.com Debt Reconcilliation Plan you will be able to whore yourself out at every truckstop, gun show and AA meeting for the right reasons--because its what you want to do. So get on board and gain your financial freedom today. |