Gallery->Failed Pics->U.S. Supremecy: A Circular Proof

For someone who doesn't loiter outside Trade Towers or Federal buildings waiting for horrible things to happen so I can exploit people's agony to win a Pullitzer, I take a pretty good fucking picture. What a good god damn picture. It captures the spirit of America perfectly.

Just think, while some dumb twats actually pay thousands of dollars to go to school to be taught photo composition others just buy a digital camera, roll down their windows and take awesome pictures as they drive. Oh well, I guess every shit town newspaper needs someone to take a photo of the largest tomato at the county fair.

If nations where members of a family, America would be the alcoholic uncle who lacks a sense of shame. America would show up at Christmas married to a different woman than was his wife at Thanksgiving and be mad at you for not sending a carton of cigarettes as a gift for a wedding that you knew nothing of. America would bring presents wrapped in Crown Royal bags that turn out to be crumpled up, alcohol soaked one dollar bills that you are expected to be eternally grateful for. From the moment he got there, America would constantly be hitting on your 14 year old, blossoming cousin, by saying "sit on old uncle America's lap and tell me what you got for christmas while I smell your hair".

That's my America. And you better thank god for it. Because if you don't America will run you over with its El Camino (once we get the transmission to stop slipping), you motherless, Allah-loving, commie, athiest bastards.

There I was, minding my own business in a Japanese car that gets 45 miles per gallon. And what clunks past me, but this little slice of patriotism blaring "She's My Cherry Pie". Just as it passed, I saw old glory flapping majestically, held in place with duct tape. It was oil stained and tattered as hell. Frankie Key might have been inspiried to verse; I on the otherhad grabbed a Taiwanese digital camera.

Granted I did, mutter "Holy fuck, what a shitty truck", but decided that a picture, not a poem would let me best capture the moment. So, while Warrant sang about pedophilea at 140 decibels I dodged falling debris and tried to time it so the backfiring smoke billows wouldn't be in the frame. Just as I got the shot the driver and his babies' mama each flicked a cigarette out of their windows, sped up and pulled away.

What about the great aspects of America? Things like, caramel, and the Electoral College and Radio Shack and abortion (as long as it isn't partial-birth, the mandatory 24 hour waiting period has passed, the clinic hasn't burned down, compulsory counselling has been completed, and all other hoops have been jumped through without miscarrying), and Powerball and Africanized Bees and xenophobia. Occasionally, as I did, you find an item that encapsulates all of America's splendor: freedom, capitalism, and traffic control.

Behold, the pinnacle of a 350 year old culture. Freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and freedom to scare others into believing in your god by stapling signs on utility poles weren't unalienable rights in 17th century Europe. No sir, people escaped to America to worship as they pleased. And slaughter indians. Here today, thank the one and only good lord jesus christ almighty, everyone is still free to worship any religion they want, even the heretical ones.

Another thing right with America is capitalism. From the same socio-economic system that has a gas station on every corner of a major intersection selling fuel at the exact same price and a different burger joint just behind each one, comes good ole fashioned, home made advertisements. In the greatest country on earth, a multi-million dollar ad budget isn't needed to get a product or service known. Just some stencil, white paint, blue cardboard, a nail, stupid fat people and a promise of losing 30 lbs. in 30 days.

The Not So Rare, White, Upper-Middle Class Dumbfuck In Its Natural Habitat

Holy fuck cunt piss. I quit. I'm not even trying on this one. See my comments on America above. Sweet baby-raping Jesus, what a fucking idiot. I give up. Is Canada accepting applications?