| | | |
It May Not Be Barely Legal Lesbo Porn
But Its On The Internet And Free
| | | | |
If you're like most people, you have a very real fear of meeting your demise in a place and situation that lends itself to someone trying to make sweet beautiful love to your corpse. If your will stipulates that only a select few are forwarded that privilege, or for whatever neurotic reason you may have, no one is allowed to phsyically bond with your body after your death, then this is the item for you. Express your post-mortem lovemaking wishes to anyone who may come upon your carcass with this handy and practical Anti-Necrophilia Card. Print it out on a business card, put it in your wallet or purse and feel safe knowing that heaven's gatekeeper is the only peter you will have to deal with after dying.
No matter if you're allowed to sing all the words in rap songs or not; we all can all agree that we would like to know where the good and bad parts of a city are. But we're forbidden from using the demographic composition (if you know what I mean) of an area to make that judgement. So, I developed a way to pass the same judgement on the people of an area using different, more socially acceptable criteria. Enter an address and my algorithm will determine how "urban" (wink wink) a location is.
Who cares that you only get 3 visitors a month to your shitty, insipid site? Nevermind that 2 of those 3 are spambots looking for servers to hijack, you still deserve, nay; are obligated to put ads on all your worthless web pages. This is bigger than you friend, this is about doing what's right for the internet. Let's all do our part to drown the fucking thing in ads together.
To quote myself, 'This thing is as awesome as four morbidly obese lesbians fucking in a boiling vat of pig shit on the first Thursday of Ramadan.' Jason, you smooth talking motherfucker; you had me at 'four morbidly obese lesbians'.
Whether your life is truly shitty or your just a pussy crying for attention, the above link will set you on your way to ending your miserable life. Fill in your name, click some buttons, and then print it out or post it on your own site to show that worthless ex of yours you weren't kidding. That'll show 'em. 
Polish that turd of a website you have by rubbing in some of me. In my continuing quest to make your sites a little less shitty, I am granting you the ability to display my personal ads. All I ask in return is that somewhere, somehow I get blown. That and the authorities don't find the 55 gallon drums of my successful dates.
Want to quit your worthless job, but that damn Brady Law prevents you from doing it like you want? Click above for an equally fulfilling, but less felonous way. Fill in some fields, select the reason, then print it out or copy and e-mail it to everyone in your company along with naked pictures of Scott Baio and your boss in a tender embrace.
Now, I am not saying they don't have their place in courtship, but maybe before you try the old standards of coercion, blackmail, Rohypnol, tire irons, pity or cash to get laid, how about you give one of my tried and true pickup lines a shot? 
Here's a good idea, send me mail telling me how much I suck and threatening me with violence unless I become more compassionate. 'Jason will definetely see my point, change his life and there will be no ramifications for me.' Oh you sad, sad fuck. Not only can you read the hatemail I have received, but you can send it on to reciepients of your own. That'll teach me.
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em and then drown the motherfuckers in their own piss. Since everyone is intent on littering every inch of our real highways with actual roadside crosses I decided to virtually help out. I'm giving the world the tool to junk up the information superhighway with those cocksuckers too. Fill in a name, add a message and accessorize your memorial with up to 4 beer bottles, 1 dumbass, and a variety of other crap. Take that world.
When you place my customizable fake banner ads on your site, I guaranteee that I will be 100% satisfied with the monetary compensation you receive for participating in The Porkjerky.com Banner Ad Network. Is your current banner ad network bold enough to make that claim? Those pussy eating faggots. 
Don't be a turdlicking, chylmidia-ridden cockbreath your whole life. Use this epithet generator and let it articulate how you feel about someone. Not only will it help you address christmas cards and resume cover letters, but you can even put the thing on your web site. Now get to it Captain Pig Fucker.
Spice up that yawn inducing business report you wrote. Add some profanity and racial epithets to the FCC's website. Turn that eulogy into 15 minutes of sage Chinese proverbs. It's already a figurative joke and now you can literally make the US Constitution a comedy routine. Onvertcay ethay iblebay otay igpay atinlay. Add some piss and fire to your resignation letters. Whatever text you want to improve, you can use the above page to make it up to 52.187% better. Translates text and web pages into Chinese, Tourette's, Christian Tourettes, Pig Latin, and Hack Comedian.
No good comes of voting, so tell the cocksuckers in charge that they can take your vote and shove it up Johnny Paycheck's ass. Use the above link to contact your state's official in charge of voting to tell them that you quit. I'm only half fucking around on this one--I actually did unregister to vote.
The web shoudn't be a global network to circulate bad jokes and dying children's requests. E-mail should be used to distribute pictures of your girlfriend's sister sucking off stray dogs, like god intended. Help the world reclaim e-mail by clicking above for spam of your own to send to all those cockfaces who forward you every crap message they get.
Ok, so maybe moving 1000 miles away to live with a person you only knew as LoVeSaNaL69@acf.dhhs.gov after 10 days of chatting with them wasn't that great of an idea. Fill in your info, click the button, get youur stuff together, bring Moses and drive real fast. Oh Jesse, you can always sell any dream to me.
|