porkjerky plog
Best Almost Limerick Ever
I once wrote this great limerick not about shit,
Self referencing, self alluding and full of wit;
Something something something
Blah blah blah;
But then it fell apart in the middle and I noticed that the first two lines were neither the same nor the correct amount of syllables and the last line is way to god damn long and I’m pretty sure it won’t end up rhyming and now the writer is mixing tenses and narratives and I am too tired to go back and make it all work out, so I was like fuck it this will have to do
Blog Fraud
Just because you’re a blog doesn’t mean you can get away with such outright misleading of people. What a fucking rip off. I have a good mind to contact the FCC about this blatant fraud.
At first I thought I had finally found a community of like minded individuals. A place where I get stay up to date on information that affected me and the things I enjoy in life. But no. It’s just a scam. A farce. A pile of lies used only to cash in.
The Sex Offender Information Blog has absolutely zero information about how I can become a better sex offender. What a crock. In fact it has no real content of its own, its simply a news aggregator.
Let’s pretend your not a retard and you’ve been on this here internet before and know what Google News does. It aggregates news right? Google News sucks in stories from every news website out there and makes it easy for people to browse and search news stories. Some how, either Al Qada or Boris and Natasha or Tom Cruise or the Rosenbergs leaked that technology to people with less than honorable intentions. So now you have all these shitty blogs in the world leeching off news sites by sucking in their stories, filtering them on certain phrases (like ‘sex offender’) and spitting out the stories like they are a post on that blog.
Check out a couple posts on that fuck of a blog and you will see there’s nothing there but recycled stories. That’s all The Sex Offender Information Blog is. Well that and google ads of course. Can’t have a blog without those.
And that’s what saved them. There’s just something deliciously beautiful about making money on sex offenders. I am all advertising done under the guise of trying to help the community.
Congratulations, this Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award goes to you, Sex Offender Information Blog. Keep on leeching.
Karmic Poo
Where’s Bruce Willis when you need him?
Is my dead grandmother directing me somewhere? Is Carol Ann warning me of something? Does Patrick Swayze want me to get in contact with Whoopi Goldberg? Or is it just some some bored poltergeist fucking with me?
We may never know.
About a week and a half ago I crapped an arrow. Obviously, it was a message. Of what, I don’t know. That’s why I turned to the internet and found some experts on the subject to consult with about it.
Of the dozen or so psychics I contacted asking for some information for a poop reading, only one responded. Unfortunately while she was very adept at reading me, she was unable to give me any insight to my arrow shaped poop and what it meant.
While Kris Cahill, blogger, psychic and finger painter extraordinaire didn’t give me the reading I wanted, she did he the nail on the head:
I’d love to give you a real reading sometime, if you actually wanted it. What I can see from this photo is what an idiot you are.
Actually, My Shit Don’t Stink
Lee Greenwood, you need to get off your ass and add like 7 new verses to your song. This country just keeps getting better and better.
From: jason@porkjerky.com
I came across a page where you explained and sold Elimina. I was wondering if this is safe for human consumption and would it work on humans?
Thanks,
Jason
From: exoticdiet@verizon.net
Not formulated for human consumption.
From: jason@porkjerky.com
I figured that, my question is will there be any adverse effects of me taking it? Make me grow huge knockers? Give me a rash? Leave me bonerless? Give me kennel cough? Cause butt cancer? Or possibly, work as it is intended on animals?
From: exoticdiet@verizon.net
Harmless to animals …. I would think the same for humans, but not
registered with the FDA for human consumption.
So Elimina hasn’t been approved by the FDA for human consumption. Big deal. With our government’s track record that’s more of an endorsement than a detriment.
The bad news is I couldn’t weasel a free bottle to use on myself or any ad money, but the good news is Elimina is 98% successful in eliminating piss and shit odors from piss and shit. Respectively that is. It makes no claims about removing shit odors from your piss nor piss odors from your shit. However, if that’s your case it might be indicative of a problem a lot more serious than a spray bottle of snake oil can fix.
I’ve said I’ve said it before and I was going to say it again. And now I am. What a truly great time and enlightened society we are living in. 2009 and we are all literally an overnight shipment away from bleached assholes and odorless shit.
Who cares that they never put a man on the moon in my lifetime. My asshole is ghost white and my shit smells like nothing. And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. There ain’t no doubt I love this land. God bless the USA.
My Carbon Butt Print
If my calculations are correct, and they are, in the last 30 years I’ve shit 3.2 tons and 1.8 miles of poo in my life. Not too bad for a white guy.
In honor of Earth day (yeah, I have no fucking clue when it actually is, nor do I care. Feel free to send emails telling me when it actually is with the subject line ‘Earth Day’ so I can more easily ignore them), I decided to see how that effects the world I live in. As they say, you don’t shit in a vacuum.
I’m not trying to brag and show how affluent I am, but when I shit I also use toilet paper and have indoor plumbing that flushes away my feces. I know, I know it’s a pretty sweet setup. But at what cost? With that 3.2 tons/ 1.8 miles of poop, how much water and paper have I figuratively pissed away while literally shitting in the last 3 decades?
Ok, 30 years times 365 days gives us about 11,000 craps I’ve taken. Which I think is low. If you factor in all the wet farts I had to wipe my ass after, times I puked and used toilet paper to clean up the side of the pot where I missed, those tree stump turds that took 4 flushes to get to go down and all those times I just felt like flushing a wad of toilet paper soaked in used motor oil to counteract all you environmental do-gooders then I would say I have easily flushed the toilet 12,500 times in the last 30 years. Even that’s probably low.
Per flush a toilet uses about 4 gallons of water. Per shit I use about 12 squares of two-ply toilet paper. That gives us 50,000 gallons of water and 300,000 squares of toilet paper I’ve used while shitting in the last 30 years. And that’s not atypical. All you hippie, tree hugging tantric fuckers are doing that too. We are all slowly crapping away and literally wiping our asses with our precious natural resources .
Hopefully my work here will convince all you environmental bandwagon nut job pieces of shit that you need to either start crapping in a pot and composting it in your backyard or burn your assholes shut so no more poo comes out and harms our precious planet.
Either way, send me pics.
Free Shit For Sale
Remember 15 years ago when we all sat around making fun of those dumbfuck companies who were selling bottled water? God damn, we were so smart and prophetic.
Who in their right mind is going to pay money for something you can get free? What a retarded business. Bottled water. Those dumbfucks will be broke within 3 months. What idiots. Clear Pepsi. Now that’s the fucking future.
We didn’t underestimate dumbfuck companies selling bullshit products, we overestimated our fellow man’s ability to not buy bullshit products. Bottled water is a huge hit. It’s as close to doing nothing and getting paid for it that you can get. Read the bottle on a couple of them, often that fucking water comes from a municipal source.
I am hoping the same doesn’t play out for blogs, but I can see it happening. At any given time there are about 100 blogs on sale at Ebay. I googled ‘“blogs for sale”‘ and got almost three-quarters of a million results. A bunch of the results were forums which had tons of listings of blogs you could buy. And of course, true to my Stay Puff Marshmallow Man Shitty Blog Theory, a blog about buying blogs.
Who in their right mind is going to pay money for a blog? The barrier to entry is virtually zero. Hell, with all the shitty blogs I’ve seen I am fairly certain you don’t even need to be literate or have access to the internet to start a blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if some blogs just spontaneously come into existence when an electric current comes in contact with amino acids.
There’s no reason to buy a blog, because the god damn things are so easy to create from scratch. In fact, its’ too fucking easy to start a blog.
Which is why I am dead certain blog buying/selling is going to be huge. It’s too stupid to fail.
New Or Improved
I think part of the reason that human communication has turned into an unrehearsed play with lines we all need to speak and listen to without actually paying attention to, is bullshit marketing.
We are drowned in ads that we can’t afford to pay attention to. If we did we would spend our entire lives listening to sales pitches. On billboards, on T.V. on the web, in the year 2009 its still even on fax machines and god forbid we even get ads when we do yahoo searches for ‘god knows what’.
I refuse to encourage nonsensical, bullshit marketing messages. People think that if a sentence isn’t grammatically incorrect it must be a valid sentence. No need to apply logic, no need to see if the words contradict one another. As long as they sound good together, they must be—no matter how illogical or contradictory the message is itself.
For example, I will not go into, and have even walked out of restaurants that proclaim themselves famous. What kind of pretentious bullshit is that?
1. Famous doesn’t mean good. McDonalds is famous.
2. If you’re so fucking famous, why are you telling me? Fame precedes you. That’s its nature. You can’t just decide you’re famous and start telling everyone hoping one day your dreams of fame come true through your hard work of telling everyone you’re famous. Fuck you.
So, I will not have anything to do with self proclaimed famous products/services. Same with gourmet. Gourmet restaurants and food don’t say they are gourmet—they just are. You’re wishing and hoping doesn’t make it so.
You can’t claim you’re a great lay because you yourself have cum every time you’ve fucked. It doesn’t work like that. Same with gourmet.
Your homework tonight is to find self proclaimed ‘New and Improved’ products, realize why that statement is contradictory and mail a bag of your own shit to companies that use that to market their products.
As Creative As A Something Or Other
I was once on a job interview where the Human Resources Whore told me that in their organization creativity is a key to success and even in her position of being a Human Resources Whore, she often had to think outside the box to effectively do her job. She then asked me if I would describe my creative ability as ‘thinking outside the box’.
My exact answer was:
Oh dear jesus Christ, no. In fact, I openly mock and ridicule those who do. You do realize you just described you’re creative ability with a cliché? Right? A cliché—a hackneyed, uncreative recycled expression? And that’s what you used to describe your creative ability. So, no. No, I wouldn’t say I think outside the box.
I didn’t get the job.
I am a huge fan of human communication, in the same manner I am a huge fan of automobile fatalities, church fires, people getting hit in the balls and blogs. Human communication is no longer about conveying ideas between and among people. It’s about saying the right idioms, stringing together multi-syllabic words without regard for logic and saying what people expect you to. If you really pay attention to what people say you will notice its 95% gibberish. Sure its grammatically correct, uses actual words, but taken together there’s no message or there’s 8 messages all working against another.
‘Outside the box’. That just cracks me up every time I hear it. We developed a cliché to describe our creativity. Delicious. No one thinks twice about using it to brag about themselves, they actually think it’s a boast of their abilities. Better still is the listener usually accepts it as the speaker intended–as a testament to their creativity.
We all play our part in this charade of communication. I love it.
I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be disappointed if I googled it to see how often it has appeared in blog posts in 2009. And I wasn’t. Its been used about 80,000 times this year. 3,100 times in the last 24 hours.
We just can’t stop uncreatively raving about how creative we are.
Deadly Shit
On this very night, 22 years ago, on this same stretch of porcelain, in the dense fog, just like this. It was the worse crap ever shit. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building.
And when they finally pulled the crapper’s body from the twisted, burning toilet it looked like…
THIS!!!
Yes, sir, that was the worst crap ever taken.
Psychic Rotisserie Chicken
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to them. The Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award Number Something Or Other goes to the Free Psychic Sight Blog.
What a shitty fucking blog.
First and foremost its not really a blog, but a fucking spam garden. As in the site exists solely to sell something—psychic readings. Every post has been created to maximize keywords and hopefully have Google drive traffic to the site when people search for various, unpsychic related phrases. Which in turn they hope will get them enough traffic to have some dumbfucks request and pay for a psychic reading.
For example, today the Free Psychic Sight Blog has made posts for rotisserie chicken recipes, weight loss exercises, toddler finger food, and weight loss products. They aren’t idiots because they have so many non-psychic related posts: They are evil because of it. They purposely have those non-psychic related posts to get traffic—any kind of traffic–to their crap site.
They are like those fucks who buy up misspelled domains like yaho.com or gogle.com or eby.com in the hopes that they can get enough traffic via misspellings to sell shit once people accidentally land on their urls. By having all these posts about unrelated bullshit these psychic pukes hope to show up high in search engines when idiots search for things like ‘Rotisserie Chicken Recipes’. Then people click on their search results, get directed to that particular shitty blog post and get drowned in ads for psychic readings.
Did I mention when you go to the blog you get drowned in ads for psychic readings? Jesus fuck almighty. Left column ads. Right column ads. Underneath the post title in the center of the screen—huge fucking ad. The site exists solely to sell psychic services. Which isn’t inherently bad, until you start crapping up the internet with tons of pages that are unrelated to what you are doing in the hopes that you can trick someone searching for a lemon cheesecake recipe into a psychic reading.
Free Psychic Sight Blog, enjoy your Intermittently Given Porkjerky.com Shitty Blog Award and may you choke on The World’s Best Hamburger.
