porkjerky plogMetafeces
Crapnormous
Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Mohammed. That turd’s so huge I don’t know if its coming or going. A good 4 inches of it is dry docked up against the bowl. And god knows how many inches are snaked through the interior plumbing of my house. It took some creative lighting, a step stool, someone to […]
Bitch Better Have My Money
Was watching my neice who’s still a crawler She found some coins and gave one a swaller Hoping for diarrhea To free Sacagawea If not, that bitch still owes me a dollar.
Confessions Of An Asswiper
I have a horrible, horrible confession to make. For the first 2 to 3 years of my life, I didn’t use toilet paper. At all. I was totally aloof. No clue. Didn’t even cross my mind. In fact, I didn’t do much at all when it came to shitting, except the shitting part. When I […]
Ballad Of The Lazy Bather
I was in the shower and couldn’t wait Getting out to use the toilet—I hate As I shampooed my hair I relieved myself there Then stomped and mashed that huge turd down the grate.
One Giant Crap For Mankind
You ever think as a young boy Neil Armstrong looked up into the night sky, held his thumb next to the moon, squinted and dreamed of being the first person to take a dump up there? I like to think so. Now it’s true the Russians beat us into shitting in space with Vostok 3 […]
Karmic Poo
Where’s Bruce Willis when you need him? Is my dead grandmother directing me somewhere? Is Carol Ann warning me of something? Does Patrick Swayze want me to get in contact with Whoopi Goldberg? Or is it just some some bored poltergeist fucking with me? We may never know. About a week and a half ago […]
Actually, My Shit Don’t Stink
Lee Greenwood, you need to get off your ass and add like 7 new verses to your song. This country just keeps getting better and better. From: jason@porkjerky.com I came across a page where you explained and sold Elimina. I was wondering if this is safe for human consumption and would it work on humans? […]
Extra Sensory Poo
I don’t believe in the occult: Ghosts, destiny, the holocaust, Ouija boards, human equality, telekinesis, dyslexia, horoscopes, democracy, poltergeists, chiropractors or any of that other mystical bullshit. But, I think my crap is trying to tell me something. I pooped an arrow. Not to get all high and mighty, Ace of Base on you; but […]
The Case Of The Phantom Poo
Here’s a mystery for you Nancy Drew. Where’s my shit? I swear to your favorite deity that I spent a good 90 seconds slowly coaxing a turd from my ass. I swear. Got the soiled toilet paper to prove it. I shit. I honestly shit. Right? Please tell me I didn’t hallucinate a crap. I […]
Poopus Maximus
This poo defies logic. It knows no bounds. It isn’t governed by the same laws of reason as we are. You can’t stop or control it; you can only hope to contain it. And my toilet just barely does. Using an officially sanctioned commode, I don’t think its physically possible to make a straight shit […]
