porkjerky plogThe Case Of The Unexplained Pubes
I know I know. This is where you tell me ‘I told you so.’
It was a grandiose plan and I admit that. In hindsight I guess you could say my eyes were bigger than my asshole. In my heart I believed I could do it: Blog for one year about all my shit. I guess I just pinched off more than I could chew.
Today, my dream comes crashing down in a huge heap of failure.
You couldn’t get any further from shitting with today’s topic if you tried. That’s right; today’s post has absolutely nothing to do with crapping whatsoever. I am not going to even try and bridge the gap. There’s no creative way you can tie today’s topic with shitting: urinals.
I used one of them fancy flush themselves models today. The kind with a motion sensor so if you shuffle side to side while you piss it overfills itself. They’re like a dance-dance revolution game for poor kids.
Since I was pissing next to someone and I don’t want to be known as a dick looker or make eye contact. So, I intently tried to focus my eyes on top of the urinal. If you’re alone your fine to look at whatever you want, and I normally just gaze in awe of my magnificent prick, often times staring at it for minutes after I am done pissing lost in a daze of wonderment.
If you ever run into me, ask to see it, it’s quite impressive and well worth the $12.75 I charge ($5.75 for seniors and children under 10).
As I am trying to avoid being a pecker peeker I noticed the top of the urinal had a pubic hair on it. I was flabbergasted. It was an unanachornism.
2009 and we still live in a world where pubes are on top of urinals. Its like finding out you have polio or meeting a girl under 30 named Margaret or getting told to use the back entrance of Applebee’s because you’re on a date with a black girl or having to get your parents to kiss at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance so as not to create any time paradoxes that would prevent your own birth.
What I am saying is that it just doesn’t happen in this day and age. Technology has made pube topped urinals obsolete. Today, if a pube is on top of a urinal, someone had to go out of their way to put it there.
Prior to the age of enlightenment (before pissers flushed themselves), I was always dumbfounded about how they got there. Then one day, I caught myself putting one there and the mystery was solved. Back in the dark ages of beepers, America Online, Clear Pepsi and manual flush urinals you had to go from holding your junk to pressing the flush lever. That meant, possibly, a stray curly hair could taxi a ride on your hand from your cock to the top of the urinal.
Elementary my dear Nancy Drew. But that was pre-911 (before everything changed). Specifically, that’s when self-flushing urinals became mainstream. Coincidence, or is that what the jihad against the twin towers was really about? We may never know.
Whatever the case may be, today we no longer have to manually flush. So my theory won’t work anymore to explain pubes on urinals. The only other straw I can grasp at is that possibly, guys are smelling, maybe licking their fingers when they are done. Other than that, there really is no need for your hands to rise above the urinal top when you’re pissing in one.
This will haunt me until my grave. I knew I should just stick with shitting, it hurts my brain less.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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