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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Bob Sagetitis

I have an absolutely rational fear. My penultimate fear in life is that something I create will be universally loved.

Oh jesus, I don’t know if I could handle that.

I don’t like people and the thought of creating something that every single one of you sons a bitches likes all at the same time is just terrifying. Think about how banal that has to be. The lowest common denominator isn’t anything I want to be a part of.

Popular success is personal failure.

Who sells the most hamburgers in the world? McDonald’s. How many people do you know if given the chance to have a hamburger from any place in the world would choose McDonald’s? Nobody. Popular doesn’t mean good. I’d rather be that shitty bar in the bad part of town that people make a special trip to once a month because my hamburgers are so good.

I aim for a nice 10-90 love-hate relationship with everything I do. I prefer that only 1 in 10 people love whatever I do. Of course, that’s still a little high, for my taste, but makes it a simple fraction.

I once did a comedy show with about 100 people in the audience. This table of about a dozen 40 year old women got up and walked away 5 minutes into my act. Sitting 2 tables over and to the left was this family of 10 that I had never meet—parents, grandmother, daughter with a boyfriend, 3 sons, an aunt and an uncle. Everyone pissing themselves and laughing hysterically. And that was it. The other 78 people—silence.

Every now and then the 78 would chuckle or groan, but other than that all you heard was the family busting up laughing and far in the room you could hear the 40 year old cunts bitching to the manager about me.

That was the perfect show. I could live a happy life if everything I did was received like that. And would have to shoot myself in the brain stem if anything I ever produced was loved by all.

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