porkjerky plogThe Secret Of My Excitebike Success
By my calculations, which are gospel by the way, people have been shitting for roughly 500,000 million years. That’s more than enough time to get good at something. In 1986 I played Excitebike for like 4 hours a day for 6 months. FYI, I got pretty fucking good. There wasn’t a trick or track I couldn’t handle. High scores, fastest course times, even the seldom seen mythical Golden Bike—I did it all. I logged so many hours on that god damn game that I could and did literally race the first few tracks with my eyes closed.
My point is, you would think that after, oh I don’t know, the first 5 millennia of shitting we would have perfected it right? A billion evolved monkeys throwing shit on the ground—something’s gotta stick right? At some point we would just close the book on it and go ‘Got the shitting thing mastered, lets move on to the wheel, making fire, ensuring a safe water supply and a written communication system.’
No, you couldn’t be more wrong. Hell, to this day we are continually fucking with the way we shit. As you read, some engineer or inventor hobbyist is working on tomorrow’s toilet.
And I’m not talking the pussied-down old Nintendo console Excitbike. I’m talking full on fucking arcade version, like real men play. A quarter a pop. Seriously, I was fucking good.
According to wikipidea, the flush toilet was around before Christ. I’m certain it wasn’t made by Kohler nor did it have an automatic sensor so it knew when to flush itself. However, 497,966 years after shitting was invented mankind was using the basic apparatus that people today would recognize and know how to operate.
Over the last 2,034 years though, we just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Throughout history some guy always went, ‘Hey, I think I can improve upon the device that we use to rid our homes of our feces. Sure it works like a charm for what we need it to do, but god damn, this sounds like a fun project to devote a lot of time and energy to‘.
There’s S-traps, J-traps, P-traps and U-traps. There’s jet-flush, flushometer and flush-out siphons. Years have been spent working on seals, grommets and casings. Millions have been invested in creating specific porcelain recipes, ingredients and curing methods.
Right now someone is working on some part of the toilet that will change the face of shitting in 10 years. Many times this year retirement parties were had for people who had devoted decades of their lives to improving toilets for the world to use. Children, who haven’t even been born yet, will grow up and improve on the shitting apparatus they have yet to be introduced to. For centuries to come, if history is any teacher, we as a species will still be fiddling with how we shit.
I can’t decide if all that’s scary, sad or amazing.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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