• Home
• About
• Advertise
Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Confessions Of An Asswiper

I have a horrible, horrible confession to make. For the first 2 to 3 years of my life, I didn’t use toilet paper.

At all.

I was totally aloof. No clue. Didn’t even cross my mind.

In fact, I didn’t do much at all when it came to shitting, except the shitting part. When I had to drop a log, I did. And that’s all I did. Didn’t use a commode, didn’t pull down my pants to avoid crapping all over myself and I definitely didn’t wipe afterward.

I crapped like the world was going to take care of it. Boy was I naive. I wish someone would have clued me in sooner. Oh well, I guess its just one of those things like ‘don’t eat a hooker’s pussy’ that you have to pick up on the street and learn the hard way.

I’ve matured though. Since I finally did pick up the habit of wiping my ass with toilet paper I’ve probably burned through 75,000 square feet of the stuff. However, in all honesty, if it wasn’t for others shaming, goading and rewarding me to do it I might have never picked up on using toilet paper. Which made me wonder, when did it become vogue for humankind as a whole?

At some point along the evolutionary/creationary tract of our culture, before our assholes made the leap from unbleached to bleached, they had to have made the leap from unwiped to wiped. At what point did we start using paper for that purpose?

So I turned to my good friend Wikipedia and found out the first recorded reference to wiping a human ass with paper was in the 6th Century A.D.. While homo sapiens and their butts have been around for approximately 200,000 years, we have only been wiping them with toilet paper after shitting for .75% of our existence.

Let me aptly put that in perspective. If personal hygiene were analogous to written communication, wiping our asses would be Twitter.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.