porkjerky plogBand Of Idiots
They are everywhere.
You won’t find them discussed in history books, though. Or protesting a professional sports team whose mascot demeans them. And anthropologists haven’t found any of their ancient abodes to dig through to study. Nor are they are entitled to open a casino on their native lands because they aren’t listed as one of the 564 recognized tribal entities by the Department of the Interior.
But just like the one I found two Fridays ago, I keep seeing more and more of these indigenous people. The Tribal Arm Band Tattoo Tribe as I like to call them. I believe the males of the group are called Douchebags and the females, Whores.
While most of them are easily to spot having branded themselves with not so ornate bands between their biceps and armpits, their actions also give them away. Here’s some other ways to spot the Whores:
- Mechanized bull riding.
- Fears that her 3 year old son might be gay by some of the things he does/enjoys.
- Doesn’t believe that 50 pounds overweight and/or an enormous c-section scar disqualifies them from wearing a halter top.
- Innate need to prove their toughness by arm wrestling Douchebags.
And here are easy ways to quickly identify the Douchebags:
- Driving while smoking, but being careful to exhale and hold the cigarette outside the minivan. This helps hide their tribe affiliation from their non-tribal significant other who hates that smoking is part of their culture.
- References his penis by the name he has given it without the need to ever explain the reference because everyone around him knows it because he alludes to it so much.
- Faux hawk, frosted tips, tweezed eyebrows, Axe body spray, soul patch and a Hot Topic heavy wardrobe.
- Always telling no one in general to cowboy up, man up, get their ‘something’-on, how he rolls or whatever has just occurred is what he was talking about.
I truly believe this great tribe, both the Douchebags and the Whores, need to get the recognition they deserve. The recognition other tribes have had and take for granted.
That is why I’m volunteering my services. As soon as you want me to march the Tribal Arm Band Tattoo Tribe along the Second Trail of Tears to some shitty part of the country—Detroit, Memphis, shallow graves, off a cliff—just let me know and I am on it.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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