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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

My Carbon Butt Print

If my calculations are correct, and they are, in the last 30 years I’ve shit 3.2 tons and 1.8 miles of poo in my life. Not too bad for a white guy.

In honor of Earth day (yeah, I have no fucking clue when it actually is, nor do I care. Feel free to send emails telling me when it actually is with the subject line ‘Earth Day’ so I can more easily ignore them), I decided to see how that effects the world I live in. As they say, you don’t shit in a vacuum.

I’m not trying to brag and show how affluent I am, but when I shit I also use toilet paper and have indoor plumbing that flushes away my feces. I know, I know it’s a pretty sweet setup. But at what cost? With that 3.2 tons/ 1.8 miles of poop, how much water and paper have I figuratively pissed away while literally shitting in the last 3 decades?

Ok, 30 years times 365 days gives us about 11,000 craps I’ve taken. Which I think is low. If you factor in all the wet farts I had to wipe my ass after, times I puked and used toilet paper to clean up the side of the pot where I missed, those tree stump turds that took 4 flushes to get to go down and all those times I just felt like flushing a wad of toilet paper soaked in used motor oil to counteract all you environmental do-gooders then I would say I have easily flushed the toilet 12,500 times in the last 30 years. Even that’s probably low.

Per flush a toilet uses about 4 gallons of water. Per shit I use about 12 squares of two-ply toilet paper. That gives us 50,000 gallons of water and 300,000 squares of toilet paper I’ve used while shitting in the last 30 years. And that’s not atypical. All you hippie, tree hugging tantric fuckers are doing that too. We are all slowly crapping away and literally wiping our asses with our precious natural resources .

Hopefully my work here will convince all you environmental bandwagon nut job pieces of shit that you need to either start crapping in a pot and composting it in your backyard or burn your assholes shut so no more poo comes out and harms our precious planet.

Either way, send me pics.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.