porkjerky plogMBA Here I Come
My motivation in life to do something is a function of how retarded people will think I am for doing it, how easy it is and the satisfaction I would get from the range of outcomes it produces. The more stupid an idea, the less I have to work to achieve it and the more aweseome it could end, the more likely I am going to do it.
Mathematically speaking, the likelihood of me following through on an idea (and how you should start living your own life as well) is best represented like this:
Likelihood=(Retardedness + Results)/Work
Take college for instance. While it wasn’t that retarded, I got a degree out of it and I didn’t have to work that hard. So I did it. Last year I got an awesome idea to drag a microwave out to a field and nuke a bunch of crap (bottles of wine, soap, light bulbs, can of hairspray): a decent amount of work, super retarded idea and being able to watch crap blow up, melt down and light up was well worth it. Chronicling roadside crosses is 5 levels beyond the highest retardation level humans can perceive, a fuckton of work and christmaslike results. It was close, but I had to jump on that. Same with this poop blog.
Friday’s shit post gave me the idea to get an MBA. And not by the stupid way of paying for it, attending classes and reciting rhetoric back at my professors, but by requesting an honorary one from various illustrous and unillustrous educational organizations. I plugged in the retarded value (very high), the work component (fairly low) and the range of possible outcomes (sweet to extremely awesome), crunched the numbers and decided to go for it.
I drew up a letter, merged in a bunch of school data, printed them, hand addressed envelopes, included my shit chart from Friday and dropped them in the U.S. mail today. Here’s the schools that have been given the glorious opportunity of bestowing on me an honorary MBA:
And Heres the letter:
Dear –SCHOOLNAME–,
My name is Jason Curless and I would like to extend an invitation to your prestigious institution the opportunity to bestow upon me an honorary MBA. Such a designation would be mutually beneficial, nay universally beneficial. Obviously, I would benefit by receiving such an august acknowledgement from your renowned school; –SCHOOLNAME– would get the recognition that goes with having such a magnificent alumnus and the world in general would be a better place for the synergy our combined efficacies would yield.
Make no mistake; I am not looking for anything I do not deserve. An honorary MBA from your illustrious institution would merely be formal recognition of the skills, knowledge, intelligence and disciplined determination I already have. It would simply be the most expedient and efficient path to another of my many, inevitable achievements. An honorary MBA from –SCHOOLNAME– would prevent the squandering of our valuable resources (our time and energies) on an achievement that is for me, quite figuratively, ‘academic’.
To wit, I graduated Summa Cum Laude from Park University (nee Park College) while obtaining undergraduate degrees in both Mathematics and Communications as well as completing their Honors Program. I run a society improving website (porkjerky.com) that among other altruistic endeavors has successfully helped hundreds of people unregister to vote, brought attention to highway littering, provided concrete financial plans to help people out from under their debt and is a central resource people can use to do their part to help end hunger ending programs. Lastly, despite suffering from myopia since early childhood, I qualified for, ran in and finished the 2009 Boston Marathon.
To attest to my business administration acumen, I am attaching a recent project I completed and had published. Essentially it is a chart that tracks trends over time. This project demonstrates my ability to overuse Excel, my ability to reduce data to pretty graphical representations and my ability to aggrandize my importance through ostentatiously pretentious vocabulary while conveying vacuous ideas. The latter can be surmised from this self-referencing, self-fulfilling sentence which utilizes words like ‘utilizes’ and ‘behoove’ to behoove my demonstration of my ability to convey vacuous ideas with ostentatiously pretentious vocabulary. If neither that sentence nor the chart suffices, I would be more than happy to integrate both into an impressively exhilarating implementation of a spectacular multimedia showcase (a Power Point presentation).
As you can see, I am an excellent candidate for an honorary MBA from your resplendent institution and someone with whom –SCHOOLNAME– would benefit being associated. Further, I would be happy for any quid pro quo arrangement. Whether that be displaying my eloquence in a commencement speech, providing my likeness and endorsement in marketing materials or any manner that benefits –SCHOOLNAME–.
Please let me know how, when and where I may receive my honorary MBA.
Thank you,
Jason Curless, P. Db. W.L.A.M.N.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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Downright amazing; the most interesting/entertaining blog/study I have ever embarked upon…. Good luck on the M.B.A.