porkjerky plogArchive for August, 2009
As Useful As Tits On A Corpse
What a great month for breast implant companies. You can’t buy this kind of marketing. But daddy, they will not only help me feel better about myself but if in case I get a quickie Vegas marriage to some violent Cannuck who bashes my head in, stabs me 75 times, rips my jaw bones out, […]
Existentialism At Its Finest
You ever look up into the night sky, with those thousands of stars, light that has traveled across galaxies spanning trillions of miles taking years to reach your puny pupil, and spend a moment trying to contemplate and comprehend how huge the universe is, how small you are in comparison and wonder if at that […]
Logical Destiny
It’s amazing the decisions people don’t know they make. Namely the decision they make to not explicitly make decisions. I think most people live their life in the Forrest Gump method—just floating through like a leaf in the wind. Wherever life takes them is where they go. No need to try and direct it, maybe […]
I Got Your Voir Dire Right Here
Oh thank you Al Gore. Ambulance chasing has entered the 21st century. Not with a whimper but with a blog. You can’t fart without hearing an ad for a parasitic attorney. They’re everywhere: telephone book covers, bus benches, every other ad during daytime T.V., all over the not-so-local alternative newsweekly that’s owned by a billion […]
Ad Bukkake
I am pretty sure humans can communicate via telepathy. Based on all the great things to come out of their extensive experimentation and dissection of Jews, the Germans had to have a good theoretical understanding and some limited implementations of it in the 1940’s. Then Bell Labs must have come along and perfected it in […]
Best Almost Limerick Ever
I once wrote this great limerick not about shit, Self referencing, self alluding and full of wit; Something something something Blah blah blah; But then it fell apart in the middle and I noticed that the first two lines were neither the same nor the correct amount of syllables and the […]
Blog Fraud
Just because you’re a blog doesn’t mean you can get away with such outright misleading of people. What a fucking rip off. I have a good mind to contact the FCC about this blatant fraud. At first I thought I had finally found a community of like minded individuals. A place where I get stay […]
Karmic Poo
Where’s Bruce Willis when you need him? Is my dead grandmother directing me somewhere? Is Carol Ann warning me of something? Does Patrick Swayze want me to get in contact with Whoopi Goldberg? Or is it just some some bored poltergeist fucking with me? We may never know. About a week and a half ago […]
Actually, My Shit Don’t Stink
Lee Greenwood, you need to get off your ass and add like 7 new verses to your song. This country just keeps getting better and better. From: jason@porkjerky.com I came across a page where you explained and sold Elimina. I was wondering if this is safe for human consumption and would it work on humans? […]
My Carbon Butt Print
If my calculations are correct, and they are, in the last 30 years I’ve shit 3.2 tons and 1.8 miles of poo in my life. Not too bad for a white guy. In honor of Earth day (yeah, I have no fucking clue when it actually is, nor do I care. Feel free to send […]
