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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

The Case Of The Phantom Poo

Here’s a mystery for you Nancy Drew. Where’s my shit?

I swear to your favorite deity that I spent a good 90 seconds slowly coaxing a turd from my ass. I swear. Got the soiled toilet paper to prove it. I shit. I honestly shit.

Right?

Please tell me I didn’t hallucinate a crap. I mean I just don’t know if I could take that. How fucked in the head do you have to be to have a psychological episode where you convince yourself you pooped, but didn’t?

That truly is crazy, and not the good or clichéd kind. I mean, thinking you’re the king of the world or giving yourself a lobotomy to free the evil spirits that are living in your skull or believing you are Jesus Christ reincarnated or setting yourself on fire to kill all the spiders eating your body or thinking your neighbor’s dog is commanding you to kill for him: Now those are good delusions. I understand those—you want to be someone more important than you are or are trying to save yourself from imagined danger. Perfectly acceptable psychological episodes. But believing you crapped when you didn’t? That’s just the sad kind of crazy.

There’s no gain there. That’s neither a delusion of grandeur nor a manifestation of fear. Its really just a boring psychological episode. Taking a phantom crap is just crazy. What’s in that delusion for me?

Nothing. So, at this point I needed to find that turd for my own sanity.

I know I spent a good minute and a half with something coming out of my ass. Then I grabbed my camera, turn around and nothing. At first I thought this was 9/11 all over again–some big United Nations/Jew/National Arbor Day Foundation conspiracy to bring down America by dealing a blow to our collective psyches. Then I took a deep breath and stuck my head in my toilet, within drinking distance of the water, and found my turd and by proxy, my sanity.

It was like the perfect storm of shit. This turd was so long and so buoyant it got trapped in the J-bend of my crapper. As we all remember from 6th grade plumbing class, the J bend is a bend in the toilet design that allows it to flush and keeps vapors from backing up into your house. Your shit and piss don’t go immediately down your toilet—they go up a few inches then down—like an upside down j. Turn your monitor upside down and look at all the j’s on this page to see what I mean.

My crap was so long it went all the way from my ass to the bottom of my toilet, then it was redirect up the J-bend of my toilet. When it finally came all the way out my ass, it was so buoyant it just followed the rest of the shit which floated to the top of that J-bend. Because the J-bend is basically a tube, my shit was floating vertically, which meant the bottom of my turd was visible in the very bottom of my toilet, which meant I am not crazy.

Of course I am still not convinced the Jews, National Arbor Day people and United Nations didn’t have a hand in this somehow.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.