porkjerky plogThe World’s Most Beautiful Turd
I love people who complain about how things that have made life easier and better screwed up and worked just like they were suppose to. They get mad because a piece of technology that is programmed to respond in the exact same way every time, responded in the exact same way it does every time. This time though, they wanted it to read their mind and not do what’s always does. Stupid fucking technology.
For a bad example, smoke alarms. On multiple occasions I have seen them destroyed because they functioned perfectly. Dumbass burned something on the stove, the smoke made its way all through the house and triggered the smoke alarm. Dumbass goes over, waves the smoke away, turns the stove vent on high and takes a towel to fan the smoke to an open window. But when the smoke found the detector shortly after that, dumbass went crazy. ‘Stupid fucking thing, can’t you see there’s no god damn fire’. Then he tried for 30 seconds to pry the battery out of and smashed it to the ground when he couldn’t. That fixed the problem he was having with it of operating properly.
In that vein, all me to be the dumbass.
Stupid fucking automatic toilets. God damn self flushing pieces of shit. This is why I don’t use public restrooms. Fuck the nasty toilet seats, the misspelled witless poems on the walls, the dysentery patient in the next stall passing 4 gallons of the foulest poop soup out his ass, the perverts who pretend to not know the stall is occupied so they can peak in and see me shit. The worst god damn thing about them is those self flushing pieces of shit toilets.
There I am pounding out the most beautiful shit ever crapped. They were going to put that turd on a marble pedestal and display in the Louvre. The picture I was going to take of it was going to get me my Pulitzer. Children were going to sing folk songs in music classes for generations to come about my heavenly excrement. It was going to be the background image in its own insipid poster about teamwork or inspiration or unity or some other rhetoric heavy bullshit idea. People were going to pay $12.25 per adult, $7.75 per child under 12, $6.50 per senior on the first Thursday of the month and an additional $4.25 for the guided audio version for a tour of the stall I dropped it in. It truly was the most beautiful piece of shit ever pushed through a mortal’s anus. Then I wiped, reached into my pants pocket for the camera I always carry for such an occasion, but as I was turning after I stood and pulled up my pants, it happened. Out of the blue, that god damn automatic, self-flushing toilet automatically self flushed.
Mother fucker.
So no picture today, but I guarantee you that turd would have made you weep it was so beautiful. Venus herself would have painted pictures of it. Cherubs would wear t-shirts adorned with images of that turd. Compared to it, new born babies would be so hideous the sight of them would make people gag and throw up in their throats a little.
No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.
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