• Home
• About
• Advertise
Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Where Art Thou, Billy Mays?

2 days ago we took a trip down memory lane, reminiscing about a much simpler time. A time when gasoline had lead, presidents were white, movies were either G, PG, R, or X and we were so ignorant and misinformed that we actually expected women to have hair on their cunts.

How young and naïve we were.

Luckily we as a society have evolved. To quote a group of poets of the time:

We can’t rewind we’ve gone too far

Pictures came and broke your heart


Put the blame on the VCR

As with the radio star, video killed the unkempt poon. Pornography became something that was easy to enjoy in the confines of your own home. Then, the more conscious we were of pussies and the more conscious women were of peoples consciousness about pussies, the more self-conscious women got about their pussies and groomed them accordingly.

Thus, bush fashion went mainstream.

The march of self-consciousness and grooming has kept up with the retarded pace the march of technology has set. First, as discussed earlier, somewhere it got legislated that all pussies not only be trimmed, but bald. If you’re cunt doesn’t look like a 9 year-old’s, then sister, it ain’t sexy. Second, plastic surgery is commonplace. Granted a snatchlift isn’t all that frequent, but in 2009 we all know someone who has had a boob job, tummy tuck, nose job and/or some other form of scalpel induced self-esteem placebo. It wasn’t like that 15 years ago. We all knew it existed, but hardly anyone actually knew someone who had done it.

And finally, the coup de gras of technology inspired vanity, people are actually bleaching their assholes. Don’t take my word for it, Wikipedia it. Then google some products you can buy to do it yourself.

Repeat it with me, just to help it sink in: People are putting chemicals on their assholes to lighten their appearance. God damn delicious.

At this point, I really think its time to close up shop. We have reached the pinnacle of humanity. We are the zenith of creation. I defy any species, earthly or extra-terrestrial to claim to be more advanced than us humans who have evolved so thoroughly, so perfectly that we allocate energy and resources to making our buttholes a shade lighter than what god gave us.

Oh, you will hear people talk about opposable thumbs, a sense of humor, the ability to communicate, be self-aware and a lot of other ultimately meaningless things humans do as proof that we are a higher species. Those are all well and good, but now we have definitive proof that we are God’s finest creatures.

He truly made us in his image. Of course his butthole is a little too dark for our tastes though. Good try, though god; and don’t worry, we can fix your mistake.

That’s too fucking awesome. People are actually whitening their buttholes. I am sure like silicone breast implants, Roux-en y obesity surgery, Phen-phen and Red Dye #5, this will end well without any health ramifications on down the line.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.