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Current Mood: Shitty (sweet Jesus H. Fuck I am witty)

Don’t Order Yet, Here’s What Else You’ll Get

Ok, where was I? Oh yes. Affiliate marketing sucks shit.

Actually, doesn’t any type of marketing suck shit? I mean that’s it, that’s your life? Selling shit. And technically, marketing isn’t even selling shit, its ‘creating awareness’ about shit. At least sleazy salesmen talk to humans. Marketers sit in offices at computers and think of ways to trick people into shelling out money for shit they don’t need and don’t have the balls to be there when the people eventually fall for their scams. At least used car salesmen make physical contact with you by shaking your hand, looking you into your eyes and directly lying to you.

So in my quest of all things shitty on the internet, I found affiliate marketing. If you will direct your attention to the far right column of this page, you will find a section titled ‘Shitty Sites I Get Paid To Link To’. Those are all the programs I belong to.

Here’s how half the scam works: I sign up with a program to be their affiliate marketer, I get a user id and some code to create links to their products. I paste the code into my site and whenever someone clicks on them they go to some other site with products that no one wants to buy. Especially off the internet (“Oh, No Jason, you’re so wrong. I, all my friends, family, coworkers and passing acquaintances do our enema kit purchasing at enamakit.com.”). When the dumbasses click on those links my id gets passed so they know you came from that particular link and I (in theory) get a kickback when you actually purchase your enema kits.

And dumb motherfuckers with blogs buy that shit. Not the products—no one does that. I mean bloggers actually think that signing up and putting shitty links on their blogs that they will generate sales and get rich off this pyramid scheme. Many blogs are nothing but affiliate marketing cesspools, each post about a new, great product they are shilling.

The other half of the scam is that there’s tons of businesses who wedged into the middle of all this. Put your mouse over, but don’t click, the links that say ‘Constipation Cure’ and ‘NoMore Hemorrhoids.com’ you will see they both go to the same site—ClickBank.

They’re a middleman for middlemen. If you have a shitty product and want to scam those with shitty blogs into displaying links to your site in a misguided effort to find buyers for your shit, you sign up with ClickBank. If you have a shitty blog and want to display links to shitty products in a misguided effort to make a commission you sign up with ClickBank. Then ClickBank marries all the dumbfucks (bloggers and sellers) in a misguided matrimony where everyone is trying to get rich of this intertubes thing.

The moral of the story is, whether your teaching your cat to shit in a toilet, haven’t crapped in a while or need to flush out your tuckus, please use the links to the right so that I may become richer than my wildest affiliate marketing dreams.

No one gives a fourth of a cum covered turd what you think, but please don't let that stop you from spreading your insightful wit to the world by commenting below. Or fuck, you're such a pussy-eating faggot you're probably interested in the rss feed of this shitty site. Oy vey.